Communication Skills/Cant move on
QUESTION: Hi Phil, am a 25 yrs software fresher.
Theres this tragedy with me..
I can't give up the sinking feeling that I have when people leave...
I just can't handle it!
I seldom let people into my trust group n I am not a person who would get carried away with them..
But I have this habit of personally getting attached to some of them.
Some of them do really get a part of my heart very quickly , n these are the persons I would like to have in my life for ever.
I felt gelling up with this more when there was this trainer (28yrs) , who was training us freshers!
Now she was a very kind person.
Apt to be friends with, she had this aura and sense of confidence in her that maybe were the things that I really liked about her.
We all shared a good relation with each other.
But this was to last just for 5 days.
She completed her portion n vanished.
now there is this next guy who is teaching us.
He too is very excellent.
But I keep on getting back to wish, she returned again.
I wish there was some medium that I could end up being friends with her.
N I understand this isn't love.
either do I have any feelings of lust or anything of that kind
Moreover there is this astonishment in my mind that how can it be so easy for her to not even take the time to say a reassuring good by.
She was like - after we gave away her a formal thankyou, cut the cake, (I myself fed it to her)
Gave us her number, gave us best wishes for our future n just walked of....... :O
Now I just can't understand why ,only I keep on recalling her.
The other classmates are fine with all this and have moved on!
I wish if I could just stand up n say that, I want to know you more hang on stay back more for some days.
Even when I have a number ,have her profile on Facebook,Can see her on watsapp, how fair would it look on her side if I texted her or sent her a friend request? Confused!!!!
My mind also gets scared of losing my other batch mates. Once we finish up with this training thing!!
We'll be working in the same building but different projects.
We'll not even have time to realize each other.
I just wish I could hold on to these special people in my life.
Know them better.
Spend time with them.
N dont lose them.
can't even express how I feel in such situations. Its like losing a train that you wanted to board.
really going through mixed , confused state of mind!
N its not like I am a person living in isolation!! I have many friends!!
but I think people must consider giving such sweet things a second thought!!
Than being so formal!! :(
ANSWER: Hello Anonymous,
I get that this has really hit you, and I'm going to give you some feedback; but I want you to take in that I don't believe that one email from me is going to fix this. If you are willing to take this into consideration then I will attempt to point you in the right direction.
I will take you at your word that your feelings are not associated with romance, or lust. You feel that your feelings are related specifically to people leaving; so I'll go with that.
You are targeting this one trainer, but it is clear from your text that this isn't an isolated incident; that she is merely the 'latest' person to leave your life. The pattern that seems to be popping up is a feeling of abandonment. That is what your are describing with your 'potential' fear of losing your batchmates.
You said: "I just wish I could hold on to these special people in my life."
Realize, anonymous, that most people don't class all the people around them as special people in their lives. Yes, sure, we can like some, get along well with some, but to treat them all as special, that speaks more of fulfilling a need or loss that you feel within yourself by which you are using these people to fulfill.
In our lives we have acquaintances, colleagues, casual friends, and if we are lucky, a couple of real good associations that we truly can classify as 'special friends'. It feels to me as if you are placing everyone in the latter category and are mystified that they don't do the same with you. In actual fact, anonymous, they are doing what most humans do; creating groups and subgroups with different layers of intimacy. In this aspect we are the same as all primates.
We don't have the time or space in a reply to speak of where or when the feeling of abandonment has come from, nor is it absolutely necessary. All I can suggest is that you consider that, your feelings about this woman, (and the others) is not about them, but about a sense that you are being left behind.
What can you do about this?
Before you can change your feelings, which is real hard, you can change your thinking, which is a choice. I suggest that first you acknowledge, (yes, say it to yourself) that they are not abandoning you, they are simply behaving in 'colleague' mode. Next; rather than trying to make everyone special, identify the few (one or two) that you could consider to be close, or potentially close friends, and cultivate that friendship. But remember that friendship is a give and take, so be there for them as much as you want them to be there for you. Also remember that even friends sometimes want to be alone or do something with others, so don't take that personally.
People are attracted to people who 'feed' them somehow. By giving them confidence, true compliments, by listening to them rather than doing all the talking, asking their opinion, etc. When your actions tells people that THEY are important, they are more inclined to see you the same way. NOT EVERYONE, and it doesn't have to be everyone, just enough of them.
Therefore, be to a chosen few, what you want them to be for you, and let nature take it's course.
I hope that this gives you something to think about. Please rate the reply honestly.
All the best,
Phil L. Méthot
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Yes Phil I do agree with you!!
You have understood me correctly!
Maybe am unnecessarily feeling these things on my part, but I just wonder if it would have been easy to make new friends.
And you pointed out the feeling of abandonment!!
Well I do have many people with which I do share a warm camaraderie with.......Maybe I wished there were more!!
Sincerely talking about the trainer I liked her personality, her composure, way of delivering things!!
Hence, picking up my interest!!
Well now that there has been quite a time that this had happened.
I feel more moved on ... maybe because of getting engrossed with other things to learn assignments etc. but I have made up friends with many of my colleges now..... N hopefully we will find time to catch up after the trainings!!!
Maybe this is what life is all about..
I feel like writing a book on this now or maybe develop a film :p
But still people on earth should mingle a bit more.. Be more open to each other!!
"But still people on earth should mingle a bit more.. Be more open to each other!!"
'Should' - maybe a judgement, but I understand without judgement that my life is better, and my world is friendlier precisely because I do 'mingle a bit more'.
A number of years ago I travelled thousands of miles throughout India. Everywhere I went I was invited into people's home, made an official guest of a city, and was fed, followed, and greeted wherever I went. Upon returning to New Delhi, where I started from, I met up with other travellers that I had met the first time in New Delhi. I discovered that some of them went to the same identical places that I went to, but were shunned and even chased out of the towns and villages. Further questioning revealed that how I looked and thought about these people was very different than the negative pre-judged ideas of those other travellers.
It seems that the world you live in is the world you create. If you wish to live in a world of friendly, mingling types, being one is the key.
I believe that you have a good heart, and a person whose ardent wish is for good friends has a lot to offer. Whether or not you write a book or make a film, you will probably continue to publish your feelings for all to see, and if they are lucky, they will respond to you favorably.
All the best,