Communication Skills/Disabled family

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Question
Hello. I have been having problems with m mom who is handicaped. Last year she was perscribedthe drug valium which she claims made her have anger and rage. She threatened, belittled, and physically hurt me more than once. After coming off the drug she has not done these things again but when i told her what shedid she tells ,e not to mention it because it hurts her feelings. This angers me. She hurt me badly but i cant even confront her about it.

Answer
Hello Ashtyn,

I would have liked to know your age because it would have helped me in this answer; however, I will tell you something that is important at whatever age you are.

First of all it is important that you wrote to me and said what you did. You are talking about physical, mental, and emotional abuse, and far too often children who are quite young tend to take the blame for it and feel that they themselves must have done something wrong.  You haven't done this and that is a good sign.

Your anger is justified and is a valid reaction to the situation. Your mother by asking you not to mention it because it hurts her feelings, is placing her feelings above yours. This is not right. She needs to take responsibility for her actions. If the meds really provoked her behaviour, than okay, that's the cause, but she still needs to acknowledge what she did and acknowledge that it hurt you.

There are two problems here, Ashtyn, yours and hers.  You need to be able to get past your hurting, and your mother needs to take responsibility for her actions. Since this is your question, lets deal with you and try to help you whether your mother "grows up" or not.

People in your situation often seek counselling to get past this, and all we can do in this letter is give you direction.  While it is true that you were victimized by your mother's behaviour, the decision to stay a victim is up to you.

The key to stop hurting is forgiveness. You won't soon forget what happened, but letting go of the anger and hurt is what you need to do for your own sake. Hopefully at some point you will be able to confront your mother and get her to acknowlege her actions, but in the meantime, you need to somehow say to yourself that your mother is doing the best she can within her capacities,know that she loves you, and that her behaviour is not a reflection of you.

People sometimes do things to us that are hurtful, but we should never judge ourselves by what others do, only by our own actions. I believe that you are quite strong. Writing to me is a good sign of that. In the end, Ashtyn, it's important to be able to recognize within yourself that you are bigger than the hurt, and that you can choose to let it go. Forgive your mother, know that of course you didn't deserve to be treated like that, but sometimes life throws stuff at us we don't like.  A victim keeps the 'stuff' and fights with it, the non-victim lets and go and moves on.

I hope this helps, Ashtyn. Please rate the response honestly.

Phil L. Méthot

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Phil L. Méthot

Expertise

For individuals wanting help with public speaking, I can answer most questions dealing with skills, memory,and body language. Essentially the tools required to become a great speaker. For individuals having trouble communicating one on one, or getting their voice heard, or their message across, I can help you with that too. Listening is an important part of communication, so we can work on improving your listening skills as well. If you feel you are not being understood, that is a deeper issue, but we can start here to steer you in the right direction

Experience

I have successfully worked with corporations as a motivational management consultant across Canada. I have twice been President of a Toastmasters group, as an Advanced Toastmaster Gold. I wrote the multimedia ebook: "10 Steps to Becoming A Great Public Speaker." My book "Through the Door!" :A Journey to the Self, dealt with self-image and Will Power. Self Image plays a key role in our ability to communicate and listen effectively.

Organizations
Toastmasters - Currently President of Pointe-Claire Toastmasters (club 9750)

Publications
Book: "Through the Door!" :A Journey to the Self by Phil L. Méthot Book: The Weight is Over - A revolution in Thin Thinking by Phil L. Méthot Multimedia Book: 10 Steps to Becoming A Great Public speaker by Phil L. Méthot Articles in SelfGrowth.com, http://www.uncommonforum.com/

Education/Credentials
Canadian Training and Development Group, success Motivation International

Awards and Honors
Three times recipient of the Presidents club award through the Canadian Training and Development Group and Success Motivation International.

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