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Communication Skills/Should I even continue this?

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I recently got over feelings I had for a friend of mine.  It took me a while (at least seven months or so), but I finally accepted the fact that he and I couldn't be together because he lives in a different state due to work.  He knew how I felt, but he said he couldn't be there for me the way he wanted to be, and I tried my hardest to accept that.  I then found out that he had a girlfriend, and then a few other things happened ( like him coming home to visit and barely making time for myself and our other friends) that solidified the fact that he is not the person I thought he was, nor is he the type of person I want to be with.

Fast forward to this past October.  I'm fine being single.  I'm enjoying myself, focusing on me, and hanging out with friends.  I meet a cool guy online and we start chatting every day.  He lives in a different country, so I didn't imagine anything becoming of it. We started engaging in a sexual relationship (sexting, photos, etc.).  Neither of us had never done anything like that before (I'm a virgin and so is he), and I sort of became addicted to it.  We'd do it all the time and I loved it, but I developed feelings and having these emotional outbursts.  Eventually he said he couldn't do it with me anymore because he didn't want to use me, and he said the circumstances (us talking online and not being near each other) made it impossible for anything to happen between us, and he didn't want to lead me on. It hurt, but I tried to accept that as well.  We still talk, but not nearly as much, and I miss him a lot.

My friend from before comes back into my life and all of a sudden he's ready for me to be his girlfriend.  I was conflicted because I was dealing with feelings of rejection from this new guy, mourning the loss of a relationship I was never in, and all of a sudden someone I really wanted to be with is ready to be with me.  I convinced myself that the Muslim guy was right…and that even if we were closer to each other, we could never work due to our cultural differences, so I decided to tell my friend I'd give him a chance, but that I didn't want to rush into anything.  He asked me out on a date (he's coming home soon), and I said that'd be fine.  I figured it wouldn't hurt to see where it goes.  But then he too started saying really sexual things, and I fed into it because I was still craving it after the "relations" I'd had with the Muslim guy.  I've since stopped and we have normal, clean conversations…but the closer we get to this date, the more and more disappointed I become.  

We've been friends for years, but I'm starting to realize yet AGAIN that he may not be the kind of guy I want or need, and I'm afraid I've damaged our relationship permanently.  He normally has a car when he's visiting but he says this time he won't, so he needs me to pick him up, etc.  It's fine…but then when I suggest cool stuff for us to do, he wants to do the most boring, basic things.  At first we were going to see a movie and eat dinner, but I suggested something a little more fun and exciting and he said he'd rather stick with the first.  Also, writing is my preferred medium of communication, so sometimes I do text people (friends) if I'm going through a tough time.  Whenever I text him, he's very short, and if I am upset, he makes a joke or says something like "Oh."  If this is going to work as a relationship (long distance), we should be able to communicate effectively, right?  Especially if he's not going to be able to talk on the phone a lot.  

Sometimes I wonder if I'm using him to get past this other situation, because I do tend to compare them a lot.  It's just that the other guy…he has so many qualities that I love, and my friend…well, he just doesn't seem to try at all.  I have asked him if he just doesn't know how to respond to me sometimes, and he says yes, and I told him that he doesn't have to be Dr. Phil or know exactly what to say, but that making a joke when someone is really down is not cool.  He says he will try harder.  I just don't want to feel like I am forcing anything, let alone using him.  I apologize for the length.  

Is there any advice you can give?

Answer
Hi Sadie,

I think you answered your own question when you said this: "...he is not the person I thought he was, nor is he the type of person I want to be with."

Stick to your intuition on this guy. Being with him to ease the wounds from your other long-distance relationship will not work and in the long run will probably make you feel worse.

It sounds like he's willing to take advantage of someone who is emotionally in not a great place. He's willing to have you be his taxi and possibly hook up at a later date, but is unwilling to be there emotionally for you. When you need good communication and emotional support from him, it's not there. He's an emotional abandoner. You can't make him do better. He has to want to do that on his own. At this point I suspect he will do the bare minimum to keep himself in your good graces.

I suggest that you pull yourself out of the dating pool for a while (including long distance sexting/emails...etc), disconnect yourself from him and the other long-distance guy and focus on yourself, your needs, and what makes you happy. Be your own best friend and create a life you love.

If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact me.

Good luck!

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Expertise

Can answer any questions about communicating with friends, family, children, spouses. How to set proper boundaries, how to recognize when your boundaries are being crossed. How to communicate effectively, respectfully, and honestly. I can help you communicate in a healthy manner and give guidance on how to talk to your children (from birth and up). Good communication with your children also helps with disciplinary problems as well, so I can also help with child discipline. I can try to answer questions about work place communication, but it's not my specialty. I have a deep understanding of trying to have a relationship with people who suffer from OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), people who suffer from fear-based decision making and families with a history of mental/psychological, physical, emotional and sexual abuse.

Experience

Worked as a Kindergarten teacher for 3 years. I have over 10 years of experience in how to effectively communicate with friends, family, spouses, children. I've worked with a wide range of people (from children, to adolescents, to adults) on creating healthy boundaries and relationships with loved ones.

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National Wildlife Federation Audubon Society CHE (Creative Home Educators)

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BA in Literature with Concentration in Creative Writing and a Minor in Education. Certified Reiki Master

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Most Compassionate Award Olympiad of the Arts Award in Poetry

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