About Martin M Expertise Concern matters. If you don`t feel happy the way you are put together, life looses a lot of it`s color. Sizes don`t matter. They vary, genitals are no different from feet in that respect. Genitals are very different from feet (among very many other things) in that they are hardly ever a topic of serious conversation. Most people have only their own experiences and a handful of dirty jokes to judge by. If this makes genitals a source of uncertainty and worry instead of a source of joy, it`s time to start looking for facts and advice. Ask away.
Experience I advised and helped hundreds of people who had problems and questions about sexuality and relationships. I manned a telephone at the NVSH (Dutch society for sexual reformation revaluation, emancipation ? it translates awkwardly) in a medium-large town in Holland. My core message was and is that any kind of sex is as good as it feels, thoughts are free, feelings are true and looks are on the outside only.
Question Dear Martin..
I am a 22 year old female from England and I have recently started seeing a man and we are completely smitten with one another. It is the first relationship I have had since breaking up with my ex-fiance, and only sexual partner, of three years and so in terms of sex I have wanted to take it slow. My worries have arisen since we have become more sexually involved. Although we have only done foreplay, which has all been fantastic as he is a completely generous man in that respect which is a total novelty for me, I am worried that my vagina is too big for the size of his penis and that neither of us will get any pleasure. My ex partner was extremely large and I dont know if this is the reason why, but I think that I am very large. My old hang up used to be the size of my labia but this is something else that is just adding to my sexual worries and insecurities. My new partner is very small in comparison to what I am used to and so I am holding back a lot and making up excuses about having sex because I dont want him to think I am big or feel a lack of pleasure if we were to have sex. One evening after a night of drinking, he enterred me for a few moments but then I pulled away because it felt like I was too big for him, although friends are saying this is possible to do with his alcohol consumption (which he has given up long term starting a couple of weeks ago). It is really becoming an issue for me now. I have told my partner that it is because I want to move slowly after my breakup and he says he totally doesnt mind that we have waited three months but I know he wants to become intimate as much as I am desperate to. I am falling for him and dont want this issue to ruin this fantastic and perfect relationship, please tell me there is something I can do. I have started doing pelvic floor muscle exercises but I dont really know how to do them/for how long/how many etc or if they work. Please can you help? I havent discussed this with him at all.
Martine x
Answer Dear Martine,
Try. THEN talk if you have to, THEN worry if you must. Not the other way around. The vagina is very elastic and ‘too big' is not a commonplace problem. (Neither, for that matter, is ‘too small'.) I think yours will do fine, even if it can accommodate a much bigger penis. Don't forget ANY vagina can accommodate a baby. So, before you start fretting about a problem and exercising muscles, first find out if there IS a problem. If there is one or might be one, then talk about it. It's not weird or abnormal to have certain measurements, anywhere in or on the body. And the important thing is that sex and relationships depend on and mutual trust, understanding and respect - hence: on good communication.
Another important thing: if you don't try and don't talk (read: if you don't do things TOGETHER) you will start to worry, temporize, lie, be untrue to yourself and the other, get unhappy, make the other unhappy, confuse everybody, create misunderstandings and – well, etcetera. Mayhem and disaster. Issues never ruin relationships, it's the way you deal with them that can do the ruining.
Lastly, pleasure is only partly a matter of genitals. Most of the pleasure is in the intimacy of sharing bodies. The actual amount of tension or friction isn't all that important.
Try. Just relax and love each other.
