AboutRabbi Barry Dov Lerner Expertise Write to me with questions about Jewish customs and law, history,
philosophy and tradition for answers from a Conservative perspective or conversion. I am a graduate of The Jewish Theological Seminary and a member of the Conservative Rabbinical Assembly. Having served in congregational pulpits since 1970, I now am President of the Foundation For Family Education, Inc. a non-profit educational endeavor. I established it to create new formats of hands-on programs and provide free educational downloads at www.jewishfreeware.org. In addition to general informational questions I welcome your questions about programs for social action, outreach to dual-faith families, inter-faith clergy projects, healing services, education for conversion, adult education for the congregation and the community. If you have questions about Informal and Formal Education I am ready to share my extensive experience with Youth Activities, Camping and Religious School/Hebrew High School on a congregational, community and national/international level.
Experience I have served on the National Youth Commission for more than 25 years and serve on the Boards of the Conservative Zionist movement MERCAZ and the World Council of Synagogues. I have always dual-families and taught candidates for conversion with a great sense of fulfillment. I am very proud of 25 years on the Jewish camping staff of Camps Ramah. My greatest source of pride is my family! Ask me about them, please!:-)
Question Ok I know this seems far fetched here. I have recently had an in depth
conversation with my boyfriend who is Jewish about raising our hypothetical
children to be Jewish. I have grown up Catholic yet I am open to the idea of
raising my children Jewish considering it is so important to my boyfriend to
keep the Jewish tradition going. However, would I have to convert for my
children to be Jewish? I'm not quite sure how it works. No offense, but it's
hard being brought up and taught one thing, and then to 'make' yourself
believe something going completely against what you were taught. I'm not
sure if I could convert at this point. But I'm still thinking about it. His mother
was Christian, but converted to Judaism and married a Jewish man, and raised
jewish children. BUT, technically the children are not Jewish since this is
passed on through the mother? I'm sorry. I'm a bit torn. Just looking for some
guidance
Answer Dear Aimee,
Thanks for writing.
Let's take the easier items first. A Jew is someone who is born to a Jewish mother [ by birth or conversion ] or who converts to Judaism.
If your boyfriend's mother converted, then she is considered a Jew and he is a Jew by birth.
If you marry and you wish for your children to be Jewish, then they would have to be converted formally in a traditional fashion to be considered Jewish. They would have to be raised uniquely as Jews and in no way participate in any form on non-Jewish education, ritual, worship, etc.
Next, the more complicated elements.
If you are Catholic and don't wish to convert with a full heart -not for the sake of the children or for a wedding - then you should not. Judaism only encourages conversion when it is a sincere adoption of Jewish religious views and it is also a rejection of Christian beliefs and practices; no Rabbi I know would support such a conversion for convenience. We respect the religious beliefs of others and don't claim that our beliefs are superior - we just don't accept them for ourselves.
Can a Catholic mother who truly believes in Christianity raise Jewish children? I know of many who would feel that it has been done. But, I feel that either (1) the children are short-changed when both parents don't share a religious faith and consistently engage in building a Jewish home or (2) the children are torn internally when parents follow two different traditions - and Judaism and Christianity are very dissimilar religions. While we share a number of western values and the Ten Commandments, Judaism does not accept the teachings of the NT and the roles of Jesus, Mary, the saints, the Vatican and so forth.
I would urge you both to meet with a priest and a rabbi, at the least, to clarify the teachings of both traditions. Don't depend on lay views. Secondly, I would urge that you meet with a marital counselor before you proceed too far in your plans to be sure that you both are on the same page intellectually, emotionally, in respect of families and with a shared view for the future.
Best wishes and good luck
Rabbi Dov
ADDITIONAL FOLLOW-UP COMMENT
Dear Aimee
You have hit upon a major issue - relationship with your family and friends on major Christian celebrations. As someone who has taught hundreds of candidates for conversion, I have always taught that one does not abandon one's family and your childrens' grandparents and family on the mother's side. If anything, it is an educational potential for emphasizing "we are Jewish and don't celebrate these holidays, but we love our family and come together as they celebrate their holiday."
I certainly advocate the dietary laws, and I have found regularly that parents of the Jew by choice are very respectful of their child and grandchildren, and they also want to maintain a relationship. They don't push a ham dinner with bread pudding during Passover, for example, and where possible you choose as a family when and where and how the family will get together. OTOH when the Jewish family doesn't observe dietary laws out of the house, then it would be hypocritical to demand that one's Christian family serve a kosher dinner. I would still hope that out of the house one would not eat clearly forbidden foods such as pork, shellfish, etc. although I would educate and urge kosher in and out of the house. One can also visit for a holiday and not have a meal but still participate in a family get-together.
I also know of dozens of families where the Christian spouse didn't convert - and made it clear to their Jewish family especially the children why - until after the parents either accept that decision or die.
Just remember that truly observant Catholics and Christians in general sustain the belief that those who are not Christian may not be with the family in the world-to-come. Clarify that with your priest and rabbi meetings. Occasionally we have horrible circumstances where the Christian grandparents or aunt or someone - with the best of intentions - has the children quietly baptized, which would be contrary to every Jewish position. I understand their love and concern, but they also need to be educated before children arrive on the scene.
