Expert: Rabbi Barry Dov Lerner - 3/31/2010

Question
My son, who is a baptized, confirmed Presbyterian, wants to marry a Conservative Jewish woman.  Must he convert in order to have a Jewish wedding?  He is willing to attend her services (already does) and to raise any children in the Jewish faith, but is not quite sure about his own beliefs at this point.  He is not ruling out conversion down the road, but is it required in order to marry?  Is it not a fair compromise to get married by a Reform rabbi, if not by a Conservative one?

Answer
Dear Dana,

Thank you for writing, and this is a most personal situation for your families.

Conversion from a Jewish point of view can only be for a personal faith reason. In fact, many Rabbis disqualify a potential convert especially if there is an impending marriage. Conversion must be a completely independent, objective personal decision without any other possible motivation, e.g. marriage.

Secondly, please speak with the Rabbi of the young lady's congregation about this matter. S/he may be able to advise the couple and each individual more appropriately through discussion, especially with your son.

Next, Judaism approaches the marriage of two people differently from Christianity. In our tradition, marriage is a communal, legal relationship, to protect the bride and the children from all points of view. The ceremony is based upon "vows" swearing fidelity and responsibility according to Jewish law and tradition. The role of the Rabbi is to guide the couple within the community through the appropriate legal steps, not to consecrate or bless or validate the marriage.

Clearly, if one is not Jewish then they cannot swear to a relationship of marriage by their belief in Jewish law, faith, practices and tradition.

Do some Rabbis - Reform, Reconstructionist, and others - perform a ceremony with Jewish rituals and customs - Yes. But it is not a Jewish marriage that is recognized as such within the traditional Jewish community.

Thus it is not a compromise I would ever recommend. Instead, when a couple is inter-faith and they wish to be married, why not admit the reality and be marriage by a justice of the peace, a Judge or a captain at sea. When and if there is a conversion and it is no longer a dual-faith marriage, then they can have a Jewish wedding ceremony.

I wish your son and his fiance well and also your families.

Sincerely,

Rabbi Dov