Expert: Rabbi Barry Dov Lerner - 5/6/2010

Question
i was wondering if arranged marriage is the norm in judaism? i saw a movie called "keeping the faith" which displays the love lives of both a christian priest and a jewish rabbi. in the film, which seemed to be informed on the religion (though the rabbi didnt always have his head covered...maybe his hair was dyed?) the rabbi dates some women. jewish mothers from the synagogue even try to set him up with their daughters because he is quite an eligible bachelor, and a passionate rabbi. i was assuming therefore that maybe it was permissable to engage in premarital relations (albeit responsibly) with women, in the pursuit of hoping to fall in love have a relationship, and eventually get married. is this deemed a sin?
i do like the way abraham did it. when the torah says that abraham and sarah saw that their son was "in need of a wife" i like to think that perhaps they caught him masturbating by accident (poor chap) and abraham, knowing full well the complications of love and well versed in it due to his relationship with sarah, decided to overgo the uncomfortable pains that come with pursuing and wooing a wife and went ahead and did it for him and simply got him a deeply beautiful woman from good stock to come back and give him what he needed! problem solved!
however, are premarital relations demonized in the same way as they are in christianity?
from what i have read of the torah, god rebukes "harlotry" and "fornication." harlotry, in my dictionary, is defined as prostitution. and fornication is defined as "sexual immorality." are responsible sexual relations that aren't casual orgies deemed as sexually immoral?

i've had someone tell me "we don't discuss sex with gentiles" but i was hoping perhaps you could make an exception for me? because i don't really want to engage in sexual relations that would completely offend G-d.

Answer
Dear Han,

Thanks for writing.

Arranged marriages are not the norm for the vast majority of modern Judaism. There are some selected denominations within Orthodoxy who still favor arranged marriages, and the manner of arrangement will vary across a broad spectrum.

I would differ with you on Abraham's motivation - there is nothing to suggest masturbation! Abraham wanted his son to marry someone from his own cultural background, one of the earliest reflections of favoring in-marriage as opposed to intermarriage.

While Judaism in general treats inter-personal relations as subject to holiness and accordingly encourages sexual relations only between a husband and wife, there is a recognition that inter-human relationships can have sanctity in what modern law would regard as a common-law relationship, and in Judaism could require a religious bill of divorce upon separation and remarriage.children born outside of marriage are not stigmatized. Divorce is accepted although considered a disappointment for all.

BUT sexual promiscuity is not approved by most, from antiquity to the present, even as adultery and violation of marital fidelity is entirely disapproved.

We do not read the Bible as you describe your reading - if only because we study it in Hebrew and not rely on translations.  

I urge you to read the writings of Rabbi Dr. Elliot Dorff - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elliot_N._Dorff -

http://www.myjewishlearning.com/life/Sex_and_Sexuality/Premarital_Sex.shtml also provides a Jewish introduction to sexual behavior in and out of marriage.

How you choose to behave will ultimately be your own choice. My own suggestion and guideline is that if another human being is a sacred individual, in Martin Buber's term an "I" and not an "it", then I should relate to them as a sacred entity and not just a "tool to meet my physical wants." The relationship built on sanctity brings holiness into the relationship, a partnership of the couple with the divine. Those relationships can built a world and society that would be worthy of our highest hopes and ideals. No?

Best wishes

Rabbi Dov