Expert: Rabbi Barry Dov Lerner - 6/11/2010

Question
What is the meaning of this ceremony and the importance for relatives like a sister of a son of a sister that has passed , to be at the Dedication ceremony

Answer
Dear Randi,

Thanks for writing albeit on a sad occasion of a loss of family.

Generally, speaking for American Jewry although there is some overlap with other Western European Jewish communities, the end of a period of mourning is marked with the dedication of the headstone.

Since the headstone is covered generally with a cloth, when it is removed the headstone is "unveiled."

The dedication takes place no earlier than 30 days after burial and approximately 12 months after the death. Sometimes this date is altered for various circumstances, eg. time of the year, vacation from school, etc.

This is generally an opportunity for the family and/or the officiant to pay tribute to the deceased, to recall how the memories of him/her continue to live in the lives of family members and for all to affirm their belief in the goodness of life and the potential for all of us to contribute to creating a world of justice, equity, and peace.

Some families send out invitations. Others just place telephone calls or emails. Some publicize the dedication with newspaper announcements. It's always a matter of family choice.

Now, as to the latter part of your question, how important is this dedication:

My experience as a pulpit Rabbi involved extensively with the life cycle has led me to understand that for those who were in mourning for a year, this is a very important moment, for it marks the conclusion of mourning and a return to a normal life style, eg. attending concerts, entertainment, etc. Now, the mourners are customarily obliged to attend services on the yahrzeit=anniversary of the death and for the four Yizkor services a year to recite Kaddish and remember their loved one, even as they light a candle on those same dates according to the Hebrew=Jewish calendar in their homes.

For the supporting family members, it is an opportunity for everyone to come together, share in the good memories that remain and assure each other that life is good and worthwhile, and confirm that family is especially important.

When there are particular reasons for someone not to be able to attend, eg. extensive expense to someone living on a very limited budget, we would hope that everyone will understand.

If there were strained relationships within the family, perhaps this would be an ideal opportunity to rebuild the bridges between family members for future sharing and being part of each others' lives.

It's not a law to attend, but it is a strong custom to share in the joys and the sorrows of one's family if at all possible.

I hope that this is helpful, and may your family enjoy happy occasions for gathering together for many more years.

Rabbi Dov