Expert: Rabbi Barry Dov Lerner - 7/13/2010

Question
Dear Rabbi,
I have a conservative Christian acquaintance who says he had a bad experience with Jews years ago and who verges on antisemitism. He claims that some 30 years ago a car-load of Orthodox Jews hit a car-load of Christians and most everyone involved in the crash died. His anger stems from the fact that no Jews attended the Christians funeral even though they were at fault in the accident. I have tried explaining to him that most Orthodox Jews would not enter a church regardless of the reason due to the prohibition of taking part in other faith's services, etc., but he doesn't seem willing or able to accept this. Is there another perspective or do you have any other ideas how to answer him? I'm not sure that his 'scars' run as deep as his ego, but I would still like to be able to answer him rationally (even if rationality is not his forte). Thanks and shalom!

Answer
Dear Ovadiah,

Thank you for writing.

Unfortunately, there is no simple and direct way to resolve the "anger" of another person which is  - as you put it yourself - irrational.

It is possible that he is just angry with Jews and he found an event which supports his anger, which could be an anti-semitism from an earlier age. I suspect that your efforts to try and explain - and your explanation or explanations will not succeed - even though you make sense to me, of course, knowing that Orthodox Jews will not enter a church [ and many will not enter a synagogue which is not Orthodox ].


I wish that there were a way to help him see the reality of the situation about which he is focussed.

By the way - just for you and me - what is not clear is whether the event he cites really occurred. I am curious - do you know for a fact when, how, who, etc. were involved, whether the police cited anyone for the accident. Consider, just for a moment, you and I, what if the Christian car-load was cited as responsible for the accident. Would that affect who came to the funerals?

And, did the Christian families "turn the other cheek" and attend the funerals of the Jews who died?

It's sad, and many of us should learn a lesson about "moving on" in our lives. Carrying "baggage" can make us the kind of people we really don't want to be-  not to those around us and not to ourselves.

I think that the best answer is to accept and confirm his feeling that he is disappointed that other human beings didn't reach out in human compassion to other human families suffering loss. But, it is not a reason for holding all Jews or even Orthodox Jews in contempt - at least I don't think it is appropriate.

Alternatively, if I were confronted with this situation, I would ask "your acquaintance" to agree that in future discussions this one subject not arise again.


Best wishes and good luck with this person. May you only have joys to share with all of your friends and family.

Rabbi Dov