Expert: Rabbi Barry Dov Lerner - 2/14/2011

Question
My daughter is married and has 2 very young children. She enjoys going to her Conservative synagogue with her chidren on Shabbat and holidays. However, there is an active woman who makes her life miserable over her insistence that my daughter must wear a kippah or other head covering at services. This woman aways wears pants, which is rather interesting. My daughter has discussed the situation with this woman, but to no avail. From the bimah, she will signal my daughter to get a kippah. She tells my dayughter that the synagogue is "egalitarian" and therefore she must wear a kippah. This makes no sense to my daughter or to me.
What is the rule and what can be said to this woman?
Thanks.

Answer
Dear David,

Thanks for writing, and this sounds as though it could be rather easily resolved.

First of all, we are all grateful when our children attend schul with our grandchildren! Dayenu. That it is a Conservative schul - Dayenu.

That she is made to feel uncomfortable - unacceptable.

I would urge you to urge her to speak with the Rabbi.

First of all, is it synagogue policy that  woman must cover her head in services? Some egalitarian synagogue services do require women to take synagogue honors on the bimah to cover their head - kipah, hat or sheitel! -  and for men to wear a kipah. On Shabbat a man is similarly expected to wear a tallit as well, although it's varying whether a woman on the bimah "must" wear a tallit.

Secondly, to signal anyone from the bimah in this fashion would appear not to be helpful. No one enjoys being singled out in public and "corrected" even if it is incorrect application of policy.

Thirdly, many synagogues understand that for a woman to wear a kipah and/or tallit and/or to accept a ritual role in services is a personal decision. If a woman wishes to attend services and participate as a congregant but not take an honor, they should be permitted to do so in my opinion. Welcome them - don't chase them away.

Fourthly, there is an important message that your grandchildren are watching - is this a welcoming schul and service for everyone.

I would urge your daughter to speak with the Rabbi and/or the President, firstly to determine what are indeed the rules and policies of this synagogue, and secondly to request that they deal with this woman.

Let me on say very clearly that I supported egalitarian privileges and rights from the get-go, but I never would have insisted on any policy that demands all women to observe the same rules as men.

Sorry for the rudeness which it is in my opinion. I'm anxious to hear what is the official synagogue policy and how they resolve this bullying behavior.

NOTE THAT THIS IS A PS TO YOUR QUESTION AND MY ANSWER:
At the next Rabbinical Assembly convention to be held in about a month, consider how seriously we all regard the mitzvah of "hospitality" and welcoming everyone to our spiritual homes. Here is a piece that was literally just released a few moments ago to our membership regarding the convention. I thought you would find it interesting:

Both Elaine Wynn, director of Wynn Resorts and Dr. Ron Wolfson will join us on Monday for "The Zen of Welcoming."

Other session throughout convention include:

   * "How to Provide Service without Compromising Standards" - This should be a familiar issue for all of us.
   * "Getting Them at Hello: " with Dan Entenberg, executive director of operations at the Palms Casino Resort
   * Dr. Ron Wolfson on "The Engagement Rabbinate - What we can learn from Chabad, and the Saddleback Church"

Best wishes

Rabbi Dov