Expert: Rabbi Barry Dov Lerner - 2/20/2011

Question
Am having difficulty figuring out what to have inscribed on Mother's headstone.   She lived a very very long time, and had three good marriages.  Can I include her maiden name and the three marriages' names on the monument? As an example, (using fictitious names) can it read, Here lies Betty Schwartz Gold Fein Weinstein, bat Avram v'Bayla   May 1910 - January 2011  Dear Wife and Beloved Mother, truly a woman of valor"  followed by the Hebrew dates of birth and death, followed by the Hebrew inscription or abbreviation for "May her soul be bound up in the bonds of eternal life."

Answer
Dear Tzviah,

Thanks for writing and my delay is because I was researching this item and consulting with others as well. Sorry for any delay, and I hope you will understand.

The consensus of all my questions in terms of Jewish law result in that there is no law on the wording and this circumstance of multiple names. In brief, you can do whatever the family decides to do and is comfortable for all of the people involved. It's all custom, not law.

If there is any question or disagreement, please contact the Rabbi who is officiating at the unveiling dedication of the stone and you should always consult your family's Rabbi for individual situations.

I received a variety of response suggesting that you could list all of the final last names in sequence of marriage and also still say "devoted and loving wife" for example. Remarriage is not considered a sign of disloyalty in Jewish law and custom.

In terms of the names you suggest hypothetically - I always urge that the English names be listed  Betty Schwartz Gold Fein Weinstein   but ALSO the Hebrew name of your mother Glada Chayah bat Avraham v'Sarah.

I hope that this is helpful. The monument makers may have suggestions but run them by your Rabbi for maximal agreement by all.

Best wishes

Rabbi Dov