Expert: Rabbi Barry Dov Lerner - 9/9/2011

Question
Both my brothers are of the Jewish faith. I am not.  My sister in law said to me, Jews do not go around and save people.  I am going through the death of my mother and they display no photos of her in their homes. When I speak of her, my brothers refer to her as 'your' mother. She was a lovely person and I miss every moment. I am struggling in life and my brothers shun me. When I am invited to their family events, I am left alone and they do not introduce me to their friends. I am treated like I am not there. They have no feelings for me. I tried talking to my older brother last night and he did not want to talk to me because he thinks I merely complain. They think I am constantly wrong when something comes up its not the other persons fault its mine. They both abused me as a child for many years. They find they did nothing wrong. They take no ownership for the things they say to me. It is not right for anyone to be treated this way. Does this have anything to do with Jewish religion or not? They say to me that I cannot speak to a Rabbi about my problems.  Why should I be turned away if I want help? I want help.

Answer
Dear Gwen,

Thank you for writing, and you've raised a fundamental question about Jewish belief and Jewish expectations of practice.

You seem to be describing a "blended family" in which there is re-marriage and the apparent unhappiness the siblings have had in becoming truly supportive of one another as if you were always one family.

That is an issue for professional support and counseling which obviously I cannot provide online and for which I am not sufficiently trained. There are various agencies in every community, including the Jewish Family and Children's Services.

Regarding the issue of speaking with a Rabbi, by all means reach out and speak with a Rabbi. Anyone may speak with a Rabbi, whether they are Jewish or not, and if they are in such a family turmoil perhaps the best way to begin resolution of the unhappiness is to begin with a Rabbi and guidance to professional resources if needed.

Judaism expects Jews to be sensitive to the feelings of others, to speak with concern and care in choosing our words and certainly not to abuse others - family or not.

Reach out and if you have difficulty in finding a Rabbi, when you tell me where you live I may have access to finding you some assistance. Perhaps not, depending upon the community, but I am here if you run into problems finding a local Rabbi.

Best wishes

Rabbi Dov