Expert: Rabbi Barry Dov Lerner - 9/13/2011

Question
QUESTION: I am a 58 year old woman with inoperable Stage IV cancer, and despite having undergone chemotherapy and radiation treatments, my prognosis is currently very poor.  I converted to Judaism in a Reform temple 28 years ago, 14 years before I married my Jewish husband.  My desire to convert was based upon my own decision that I could no longer pretend to accept the doctrine of vicarious atonement of my childhood Protestant faith, and I could not reconcile my deep belief that the Messiah has not yet arrived and the world has not yet been redeemed with declaring the opposite in prayers and worship.  There was not a sudden or impulsive deciding factor that led me to conversion.  I had considered it for a long time, and there was a subtle element of feeling that I had "come home" when I reached out to a rabbi and began attending services in his Reform temple.  The rabbi who performed my conversion duly dissuaded me not once, but twice, even though he knew my wish to convert was not connected to a current planned marriage to a Jewish man. After he was certain that I was a sincere proselyte, he required me to attend an intensive nine month course of study at an accredited college of Jewish studies which encompassed all aspects of Jewish theology and daily life, as well as to continue to attend services and meet with him on a regular basis to discuss my spiritual feelings.  After my conversion I joined my rabbi's temple.  I eventually met my husband and began attending his family's Sephardic congregation.  He and I have moved to a new state a few years ago in which the nearest Sephardic temple is hundreds of miles away, and he is uncomfortable with some Ashkenazi practices. Therefore, we have not become members of a temple in our new state.  I have participated in Jewish life here by volunteering as a nursing home para-chaplain through our local Jewish family service organization, and my husband and I observe all Jewish holidays.  I personally pray on a daily basis and humbly strive for goodness and righteousness and to perform mitzvot constantly.  My question has to do with my burial in a Jewish cemetery.  The only Jewish cemetery in our local area is owned by a Conservative temple (egalitarian, affiliated with  USCJ).  Burial in this cemetery is available to non-member Jews in the community and my husband and I are ready to call the cemetery coordinator so that we may make funeral and burial arrangements. I understand that only the designated authority at this temple can make the decision as to whether or not to accept my long ago Reform conversion for burial in this cemetery, but I would like to know how you would view my situation if I were a member of your congregation.  Would pre-burial immersion be a requirement with no exception? At the time of my conversion I asked about but did not pressure my rabbi about the mikva, which he told me was an option, but he would have had to schedule it at an Orthodox center.  He said that the Orthodox do not recognize Reform or Conservative conversions anyway, so why give bigots the satisfaction of mocking a sincere Reform convert.  It had not occurred to me that I might have a problem with burial in a Conservative cemetery until I recently began to search online for funeral/burial arrangements and found that there is a grey area regarding the acceptance of Reform conversions among Conservative rabbis.  I am now experiencing anxiety and dread that I might be told that my conversion was "not complete". I have been a devout Jew for almost 30 years.  I would very much appreciate your perspective.

ANSWER: Dear Lily,

Thank you for writing, and I hurt for your situation. I'm not a kid myself and  I've struggled with various terminal illnesses in my own family. I truly appreciate your anxiety and concerns.

Let me answer firstly for myself: you are Jewish and if you were a member and I were still in the pulpit you would be welcomed - preferably alive and well. But you and your husband would be respected.

Secondly, if you wish for me to put you in touch with this Conservative Rabbi, just let me know the community and I would be honored to do so.

I would urge your to reach out yourself to the Conservative congregation of which you speak and make an appointment to speak with the Rabbi. I would be very surprised if you were not received respectfully, honorably and completely. BTW I would doubt that anyone would even ask if you are Jewish!

At the very "worst," immersion is possible in Florida, thank Gd, in the ocean! :-) although a mikveh is private.

Above all, I would hope that you connect with the Jewish community for the sake of support and caring in these days of illness. Attitude and the caring environment also are sources of healing and strength as well as encouragement. Being alone is not the Jewish way at the its best.

Please let me know if in any way you are rejected or made to feel unwelcome.

May it be as sweet and good a New Year as possible.

Rabbi Dov



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Rabbi Dov,

Your response was tremendously helpful to me because it prompted me to bring to the surface and evaluate some feelings of insecurity I have kept suppressed, about not only my own situation in microcosm but about the conversion issue in macrocosm.  Although my life span here on earth has been unexpectedly shortened (and about that I trust in the will of the Almighty), I believe that I might still help others on this forum by sharing these feelings, others who may be burdened by tsuris of some sort in relation to their conversions to Judaism.   I have concluded that my insecurity was based upon the following:

1. I know that conversion is viewed by many in the Jewish community as a facile thing these days, especially in areas of the country in which there is not a large Jewish population and temples are in dire need to boost their memberships.  As a result, I was being ungenerous not to give this Conservative rabbi credit for having the discernment to know that requirements for conversion would have been likely more stringent in the early 1980s in my rabbi's large downtown temple in a major Northeastern city.  I was only thinking about the undeniable trend in the intervening years of relative laxity in requirements for conversion in many Reform temples, especially those in smaller cities in which membership has decreased due to intermarriage.  No doubt many, if not most, of these Reform rabbis have been well-meaning in their attempt to retain members out of concern for how appealingly welcoming churches may be with no membership dues and a conversion requirement of only a one sentence affirmation in the belief that the Jewish prophet was/is the Messiah.  However I personally do not believe that extreme leniency in conversion requirements furthers the strength and cohesiveness of the Jewish people. Jewish identity is not frivolous; it needs to be felt deeply within the soul.  I realized that I had made the assumption that "Reform conversion" might have a negative connotation for this Conservative rabbi without knowing whether it would or not!  

2. I also realized that part of my defensiveness about this issue is related to the times that I have been treated in an insensitive manner by members of the Jewish community who do not understand that when a person converts to Judaism it is as if that person had been Jewish all of his or her life.  I have been called a "converted Jew" many times, a hurtful qualifier indeed. Some people just don't understand that there are no categories, no degrees of Jewish status, much similar to how referring to a naturalized US citizen as a "foreign born, immigrant American" would be hurtful and offensive.  Other examples are: My husband and I have sometimes been treated as if we were an intermarried couple, even though it has been known that I have undergone a conversion.  People have asked us if we celebrate Christmas in addition to Jewish holidays, and when I gently have reminded them that Christmas is a Christian observance and I am Jewish, I have even been met with rebuttals, such as how some churches hold seder dinners!  I believe that the whole matter of "root and branch" is unnecessarily misunderstood between Jews and Christians in general, by the way.  A Christian person who attends a seder is participating in observing his or her own biblical heritage, but a Jewish person who participates in an Easter Sunday church service is not. The branch (Christianity) has its source in the root (Judaism), but not vice versa. I have also experienced the sting of certain Jewish friends/acquaintances who think they are being cute and clever by telling me that anyone would think that my husband had married a "shiksa" by looking at me, not realizing that this word means "abomination".  Nothing funny about that. Perhaps those who need to learn meanings of Yiddish words might also read Deuteronomy 10:19!

Rabbi Dov, I hope that my sharing of some of my feelings that were uncovered by our exchange can cause at least one person (or maybe more) to achieve inner healing of similar repressed anxieties.  As for the Conservative rabbi vis a vis the burial issue, if he feels strongly about the mikva issue I will listen to what he has to say in a non-defensive, non-judgemental manner, which I probably would not have done without your positive reinforcement. In any event, I would not view the mikva experience as a diminishment of my Jewish identity, but as an enhancement to my having been immersed in the living waters of Torah all along!

May you have sweet and good New Year also.

Lily (bat Avraham and Sarai)

Answer
Dear Lily,

Thank you now for two inspiring letters. Your letters are among the high-points of this month if not year. It reminds me of how important it is that Jews share their message and potential, but even more so to truly "knock down the doors of Jericho" and especially for those who have chosen to be part of our People.

I loved your comment about mikveh, and it is a healthy approach. Sometimes we do "extra" rituals for our own sake, not to "satisfy" others who could or even should know better.

You've lived as a Jew, and clearly your faith has continued to deepen. Now is when it is our turn to be supportive, healing and helpful to you and your family.

Keep me in the loop if you encounter any challenges which "threaten" your feelings. I don't know the name of your Rabbi - perhaps better I don't :-)  - but I can always make a call.

Lastly, please don't blame Judaism for Jews who should know better. I teach a course on Jewish humor and one of the issues is to teach that three words should be dropped from our language, even when Jews by choice use them in an unknowing or perhaps subconsciously self-deprecating fashion: sheigetz, shicksa and goy. The first two - you are right - are derived from the Hebrew meaning a "creepy-crawly unkosher insect." It was used apparently in Yiddish in Europe to reflect the incredible conflicts with the host culture and the fear they had of any Jew converting "out" or of inter-marrying. BTW it is a legal misunderstanding based on my research to uphold a custom of sitting shivah for marrying out or even converting out!!! Goy originally simply meant a "nation" and only in time became a euphemism for a non-Jewish nation or individual - it avoided naming anyone as a neutral "them" and took on all of the negative qualities that now exist. Words we should outlaw and abandon, but certainly teach in order that they not become part of our vocabulary of causing pain, hurt and division.

Most Jews today have a first-grade education to make a simile, if you count up the ideal number of hours of 6 hours weekly, five years to qualify for a BMitzvah, ignoring completely all the sick days, doctor visits, clarinet lessons, orthodontist, vacation, family trips, etc. for the hours and days missed - that's about first grade. Who would expect the product of a secular first-grade to be able to do most anything involving reading, writing, math, history, etc.? But that is how we have allowed Jewish education to falter and then collapse.

Pardon my cynicism but I've seen too much in too many cities and locations and have taught Jewish teenagers for more than 45 years. It's been a fast slide downhill over those years! I can only try to inspire and encourage my students to not become the kind of Jewish community that unfortunately too often you have encountered. OK?

Best wishes for a more fulfilling and meaningful New Year 5772. Stay in touch as you feel or need.

Rabbi Dov