Expert: Rabbi Barry Dov Lerner - 3/30/2004

Question
DEAR RABBI LERNER, I WILL TRY TO EXPLAIN THIS AS QUICKLY AS I CAN, BUT PLEASE BARE WITH, FOR THERE IS A REAL "LIFE" REASON TO MY QUESTION. I WAS ADOPTED, BY A FAMILY WHO'S BELIEF IS CHRISTIAN. WHEN I WAS TWENTY-THREE, I BECAME ENGAGED TO A YOUNG JEWISH MAN AND I CHOSE TO CHANE MY FAITH. I TOOK LESSONS, FROM A VERY UNDERSTANDING RABBI FOR EIGHT MONTHS. IT WAS THEN THAT I FOUND THE YOUNG MAN WAS USING COCAINE AND WE PARTED WAYS. I DIDN'T FEEL I COULD CONTINUE MY CLASES WITH HIS FAMILIES RABBI AND THOUGH I HAD PLANNED TO CONTINUE, I BECAME QUITE ILL. WHEN I WAS ABLE TO RETURN TO WORK, AFTER THE REMOVAL OF MY RIGHT KIDNEY AND SIX WEEKS IN A COMA, I HAD TO WORK TWO JOBS, TO COVER MY MEDICAL BILLS. THEN I MET AND AFTER A YEAR OF DATING, I MARRIED A MAN FROM SCOTLAND AND TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS LATER, WE ARE STILL VERY MUCH IN LOVE, BUT NOT AS HAPPY, DUE TO MY MEDICAL CONDITION. BEFORE I EXPLAIN MY CONDITION, I WOULD LIKE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING I, ONLY FOUND OUT A FEW MONTHS AGO. YOU SEE I HAVE BEEN SEARCHING FOR MY BIOLOGICAL PARENTS AND SIBLINGS. I HAVE FOUND MOST OF THOSE WHO ARE STILL LIVING. I AM 53 YEARS OLD AND AS IT TURN OUT, I AM THE MIDDLE CHILD OF NINETEEN CHILDREN? IT WAS A SHOCK TO ME AS WELL. MY PARENT'S ONLY KEPT ONE CHILD, FROM BIRTH TO HER WEDDING DAY, WHEN SHE WAS FOURTEEN ANS WITH CHILD? SOME WERE SOLD, A FEW WERE TRADED FOR A CAR OR A TRUCK AND OTHERS JUST LEFT, IN A RESTURANT, A GAS STATION AND LISA, LINDA AND I [LAURA] IDENTICAL TRIPLETS, WERE LEFT ON THE STEPS OF A CHURCH. WE WERE ADOPTED BY THREE DIFFERENT FAMILIES, BUT I FOUND THEM BOTH AND THEN I LOST THEM BOTH, ONE DUE TO ILL HEALTH AND LINDA WAS MURDERED. LATER I FOUND OUR BIO FATHER, WHO WAS QUITE A CHEERY LITTLE FELLOW, WHO I CAME TO LOVE. FIVE OR SIX YEARS LATER, I FOUND MY BIRTH FEMALE PERSON, WHO WAS NOT LIKABLE OR ONE I COULD EVER LOVE. THIS IS A PERSON WHO ALWAYS LIES FIRST AND EVERY OTHER WORD, IS A CUSS WORD AND I THANK GOD FOR MY FAMILY, AS THEY ARE MY REAL PARENTS, AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED. STILL, I WANTED TO LOOK INTO BY BIRTH PARENT'S BACKGROUNDS. MY BIO FATHER WAS A QUARTER APACHE AND THE REST WAS SCOTTISH. THE MATERNAL SIDE, AS I FOUND OUT THROUGH SEARCHING THROUGH HER MOTHER AND GRAND MOTHER, I FOUND THAT BY BIRTH I AM JEWISH. THOUGH I FELT MY MEMORY HADN'T FULLY FAILED ME, I CALLED THE SAME RABBI, I TOOK LESSONS FROM, SO MANY YEARS AGO, THAT BEING JEWISH IS PASSED DOWN THROUGH THE FEMALE'S SIDE OF A FAMILY. NOW TO MY REASON FOR CONTACTING YOU. IN THE LAST EIGHT YEARS I HAVE HAD FORTY MAJOR AND TWENTY-SEVEN MINOR SURGERIES, DUE TO HAVING A BRAIN ANEURYSM, A STORKE AND ACCORDING TO MY DOCTORS, I HAVE TWO TO THREE MONTHS LEFT TO LIVE, BECAUSE I HAVE SEVERLY ADVANCED MUSCULAR SCLEROSES. I AM A PARAPLEGIC AND LOOSING THE USE OF MY RIGHT ARM NOW. I LIVE ON CLOSE TO A HUNDRED PILLS A DAY AND I AM STILL IN EXTREAM, CONSTANT PAIN. MY DOCTORS DON'T SEEM TO CARE AND ARE OF NO HELP WHAT SO EVER, ALL SEVEN OF THEM. I'VE TRIED EVERY FORM OF PAIN CONTROL, FROM HOMOPATHIC TO PAIN MANAGEMENT CLINICS, WHERE I ALWAYS CAME OUT WORCE, THAN WHEN I WENT IN. DURING MY LAST TRY, THE GOOD DOCTOR FRIED MY RIGHT EYE AND AS I DON'T WISH TO ADD TOTALLY BLIND TO MY MEDICAL LIST, I WON'T TRY THAT AGAIN. MY HUSBAND AND I, LIVED ABROAD FOR OUR FIRST TEN YEARS AND WE HAVE TRAVELED ALL OVER THE WORLD, SO I KNOW QUITE A LOT ABOUT OTHER COUNTRIES. MY HUSBAND'S OFFICE [NOW] IS IN CARIO, EGYPT. WE LIVED IN SIX COUNTRIES IN THE MID AND FAR EAST. I KNOW THAT IF I WERE ABLE TO TRAVEL, I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SPEND MY LAST WEEKS, IN CONSTANT PAIN, BUT I AM TOO CRIPPLED TO TRAVEL ANY LONGER. I HAVE REACHED THE POINT WHERE I AM NOT GETTING WORSE, WEEK BY WEEK OR EVEN DAY BY DAY? RABBI, I AM IN SCREAMIMG PAIN THAT INCREASES HOUR BY HOUR. I ONLY SLEEP WHEN I PASS OUT, WHICH MAY TAKE FOUR OR FIVE DAYS, IF I'M LUCKY. MY HUSBAND IS STILL RECOVERING FROM TWO MAJOR STROKES, SO I TELL HIM NOTHING, WHEN HE'S HOME FOR A WEEK TO TEN DAYS, EVERY FIVE TO SIX WEEKS. HE KNOWS I WON'T LIVE MUCH LONGER, BUT I HAVEN'T TOLD HIM THE NUMBERS, MY DOCTORS HAVE GIVEN ME, FOR I FEAR THE PRESSURE WOULD CAUSE HIM SO MUCH STRESS, HE'LL HAVE ANOTHER STROKE AND NOT RECOVER, BECAUSE HIS DOCTORS SAID HE'D NEVER RECOVER FROM THE TWO THAT WERE BACK TO BACK. ROBERT PROVED THEM WRONG, BUT HIS CHANCES OF DOING SO AGAIN ARE EXTREAMLY LOW. HIS DOCTORS HAVE WARNED ME TO KEEP AS MUCH STRESS OFF HIM, AS I CAN. HIS FATHER IS AN INVALID, IN SCOTLAND, FROM HAVING STROKES, SO IT RUNS IN HIS FAMILY, STROKES ARE GENETIC? I AM QUICKLY REACHING THE POINT WHERE I DON'T THINK I CAN HANDLE ANY MORE PAIN AND AS MY DOCTORS WON'T HELP ME? WELL, YOUR A VERY EDUCATED MAN, I DON'T THINK I HAVE TO EXPLAIN, TO YOU, WHAT I FEEL I AM FORCED TO STRONGLY CONSIDER DOING? I AM ALONE, MY INSURANCE WON'T COVER THE COST OF AN AID, I GO DAYS AT A TIME, UNABLE TO PREPARE FOOD, SO I DON'T EAT, I DON'T DRINK MUCH WATER, OTHER THAN WHEN I NEED TO TAKE MEDICATION. MY LIVER HAS SHUT DOWN, MY RIGHT KIDNEY HAS ALREADY BEEN REMOVED AND MY LEFT ONE IS WORKING AT LESS THAN FIFTY PERCENT. I CAN AT LEAST WASH, WHEN MY PAIN LEVEL ALLOWS ME TO, WITH BABY TOWETTES. I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT, OVERDOSED MYSELF ON PAIN MEDICATION, ACCORDING TO MY DOCTORS, TO TYPE THIS LETTER TO YOU. SO HERE'S MY QUESTION RABBI, I HAVE LIVED MY LIFE AS A GOOD PERSON AND SHOULD I FALL OVER DEAD THIS MINUTE, I HAVE NO DOUBTS, THAT OTHER THAN MY THOUGHTS, KEEPING ME OUT, I WILL BE OR WOULD HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO ENTER THE GATES OF HEAVEN. I DON'T KNOW OF GOD WOULD KEEP ME OUTT, FOR MY THOUGHTS BECAUSE I AM NOT JUST THINKING OF ME, MY PAIN ECT. MY THOUGHTS ARE ALSO FOR MY HUSBAND. WE HAVE A 23 YEAR OLD SON, ADOPTED, AS I COULDN'T HAVE CHILDREN, BUT HE CARES FOR HIMSELF ALONE. WHICH LEAVES ME STILL ALONE AND I HAVE TRIED TO GET ISIBILITY, S.S. AND MEDICARE. I'VE GONE THROUGH EVERY BRANCH OF SOCIAL SERVICES'(S), IN THE CITY, COUNTY, STATE AND ALL RELIGIOUS AID GROUP AS WELL. MY HUSBAND LOST HIS POSITION WITH ONE COMPANY, DUE TO HIS STROKES. HIS NEW POSITION HAS NO HEALTH INSURANCE, IT'S AN EGYPTIAN COMPANY. MY HUSBAND IS EARNING 30% LESS A YEAR AND WE GO TO COURT THE SIXTH OF APRIL, FOR CHAPTER SEVEN BANKRUPTCY. THANK GOD, WE LIVE IN TEXAS, SO WE WON'T LOSE OUR HOME, BUT MY PRESCRIPTIONS ALONE COST OVE TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS A MONTH, WITH ROBERT'S, WE ARE KNOCKING ON THE THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS A MONTH, BACK DOOR. I KNOW MY HUSBAND WOULD BE HAPPY FOR ME, KNOWING I'D BE OUT OF PAIN, IF I WERE NO LONGER HERE. SO, WOULD IT BE SUCH A GREAT SIN, IF I PUSHED MY DUE DATE UP A BIT? THAT'S MY QUESTION AND WHY I HAD TO EXPLAIN, OR FELT I NEEDED TO, SO YOU COULD SEE THE WHOLE PICTURE OR UNDERSTAND ALL THE FACTS, TO REPLY WITH YOUR HONERT FEELINGS, WHAT IT SAYS IN THE BIBLE I GREW UP READING AND I SURE NEVER GOT TO THIS SUBJECT IN MY STUDIES WITH THE RABBI? I WILL BE LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR REPLY. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR TIME IN READING THIS, WHICH I TRULY DO APPRECIATE. I KNOW YOUR REPLY MAY NOT BE WHAT I WANT IT TO BE, BUT I WILL PRAY THAT GOD ALLOWS SOME LEEWAY, IN CERTAIN CONDITIONS, FOR I DON'T KNOW, IF I CAN WAIT MUCH LONGER, I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN HANDLE, BUT I AM STILL TRYING. THANK YOU AGAIN, SINCERELY, LAURA

Answer
Dear Laura,

Thank you for writing, and thank you for the honesty with which you have described your situation.

Judaism - if indeed that is the religious tradition with which you wish to identify by bloodline or emotion or educational instruction - does not approve of human beings shortening their own lives or the lives of others, even by a minute.

Having said that, I also feel that much of our law fails to take into consideration how modern medicine, while helping to keep us alive, sometimes prolongs the inevitable to our own harm.

I would urge you to call a local Rabbi or priest, and even better a counselor - someone who can help you work through the reality of your situation such that you can come to a conclusion that meets your standards of logic, of religious conviction, of emotional caring for family and their response to whatever you might choose to do, and ultimately what compassion God would have for you.

Personally, I would understand almost any decision you might choose to make, but that is my human instinct, my own compassion for your pain and suffering, and my own belief that God is sufficiently removed from the minutia of our lives that we have freedom to choose our own destiny.

Just remember your family and their wishes and needs, and thereafter may God grant you the wisdom to choose wisely.

God bless you and keep you eternally

Rabbi Dov