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Conservative Judaism/Importance of attending shiva for relative

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Expert: - 4/23/2007


Question
We live in Atlanta, GA and my husband has a first cousin who lives in Toronto,
Canada. Her long-time live-in boyfriend (might as well have been married)
suddenly died and it would be extremely expensive to fly up on such short
notice to attend for the 7-day shiva. However, I am concerned that if we don't
attend shiva it will be considered extremely rude and uncaring. His family is
orthodox, so I'm sure they take shiva very seriously, too. In addition, the
cousin and her partner had driven to Atlanta, twice, to attend both my kids'
bnai mitzvah. My husband feels that it's okay not to be there during shiva
because the greater time of need may be afterwards, when her home is
empty. However, since they made such an effort to come see us on the two
occasions I'm feeling a little guilty (the Jewish way, I know!). Any insight to
resolve this issue would be most helpful.  

Answer
Dear Ellen,

Thanks for writing and I am sorry for your family's loss.

I can't offer you any advice. Clearly when and if it is "convenient" - distance and time - attendance at a shiva minyan is a mitzvah. Whether, however, you should incur the cost, inconvenience, issue of children and school, etc. for only a day or two - that's a personal call.

I would urge you to speak with them, at the least, daily by phone and perhaps they will understand. In addition, a contribution to a cause of their interest would be acceptable.

Best wishes

Rabbi Dov

Conservative Judaism

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Rabbi Barry Dov Lerner

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Write to me with questions about Jewish customs and law, history, philosophy and tradition for answers from a Conservative perspective or conversion. I am a graduate of The Jewish Theological Seminary and a member of the Conservative Rabbinical Assembly. Having served in congregational pulpits since 1970, I now am President of the Foundation For Family Education, Inc. a non-profit educational endeavor. I established it to create new formats of hands-on programs and provide free educational downloads at www.jewishfreeware.org. In addition to general informational questions I welcome your questions about programs for social action, outreach to dual-faith families, inter-faith clergy projects, healing services, education for conversion, adult education for the congregation and the community. If you have questions about Informal and Formal Education I am ready to share my extensive experience with Youth Activities, Camping and Religious School/Hebrew High School on a congregational, community and national/international level.

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I have served on the National Youth Commission for more than 25 years and serve on the Boards of the Conservative Zionist movement MERCAZ and the World Council of Synagogues. I have always dual-families and taught candidates for conversion with a great sense of fulfillment. I am very proud of 25 years on the Jewish camping staff of Camps Ramah. My greatest source of pride is my family! Ask me about them, please!:-)

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