Coping with Loneliness/am i doing the right thing

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Question
hello

i have felt lonely in the past few months and wanted to meet someone, so I tried online dating. I met a man and we talked and hit it off straight away. The conversation via email and text was so light hearted and fun, that I felt alive.

We text and now seem to meet to be intimate which takes my mind off things and we talk, but it is so casual. It is so good to just be with him. Sometimes i feel that what i'm doing is wrong, and I have told him and we had some time apart. But i feel so lonely without the contact from him, whether it be texting or intimacy. I've lacked intimacy all my life, and for the first time i feel like this is okay.

But then after we part ways, i become frustrated and confused.

Am i doing the right thing and am i using this as a way of alleviating my loneliness?
I sometimes feel attraction to him, but not all the time

I don't want to hurt him, but it seems that I just become so emotional at times and say the wrong thing to him. He is very forgiving.

I don't know what to do

thanks

Answer

Hello to you -


I certainly appreciate your desire to reach out to me and ask for feedback.  Asking questions tells me you are sincerely interested in figuring out what is distressing to you and growing to become a better human being.

First of all I would realize there is nothing wrong with you.  As human beings we are social animals and need connection to thrive.  It makes total sense to me that you'd feel frustrated or confused.  Maybe what you're feeling isn't frustration rather you've been lonely so long that you it's difficult when the time with your sweetie ends because you want more of that??  That isn't a problem, that essentially means you are human.

Perhaps in the most basest of forms we all use one another to feel better. As long as it is reciprocal it's okay..  It doesn't sound like your friend feels exploited and that he understands you're new to this.  Here's what I would do: I would write down on a piece of paper what you would like from him and what you would like to hear from him.  Ask him to do the same thing.  Also, make sure both of you agree that you can agree not to do any of the stuff on the list at any time.  Make sense?

As human beings we need to teach other people how we want to be treated.  

You noted that you say the "wrong thing" to him.  Perhaps you could tell him that you want to be mindful of how you communicate to him and ask him how you could do a better job of communicating so that you apologize less and so you feel better about how you behave.  


As long as you are sincere and strive to do better every day, I suspect you will be fine.  Just remember to enjoy the experience more.  You don't always need to try and figure everything out.


Be well

Todd  

Coping with Loneliness

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Todd

Expertise

I`m open and available to answer questions regarding loneliness, disconnection, and increasing support. I want to share my experience, strength and hope. I`m aware that it takes effort to overcome the habit of isolation

Experience

I know what it's like to be lonely, disconnected and feel isolated. I moved a lot when I was a kid and never had the chance to develop roots. I'd like to share what has helped, and perhaps some solutions that might help you.

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