AboutMichael Wahlen Expertise Don't know until such is posed to me, that I feel uncomfortable answering or attempt to answer.
Experience I have been widowed twice (my last two wives in succession). The first time widowed was the week before Christmas 1994 (18 December 1994) and the second time was during the month of August 2007 (11 August 2007).
Education/Credentials I am retired military (21 years active duty with the US Army, and hold a Bachelor of Science Degree in Business Administation.
Awards and Honors Defense Meritorious Service Medal upon retirement from active duty (US Army) on 31 August 1992
Expert: Michael Wahlen Date: 6/24/2008 Subject: Dying brother lashes out at me
Question Hello....(my family name is WAHL, btw). My brother, who is 51 and two years younger than I, is certified terminally ill, and he has always been very secretive and paranoid, so I'm not exactly sure which illness he is dying from. We live in different states so we talk by phone every day. He is having trouble getting decent medical care due to his insurance (Medicaid) and living in a remote place. he lost both testicles to cancer. He has COPD, three failed operations for sleep apnea, an open hernia in his intestines, and right now, severe venous insufficiency. His feet are swollen huge and purple, he says. He sounds absolutely miserable lately. One day he is nice to me and the next he is lashing out at me, saying horrible things to me so that I have to hang up on him.
He wants total privacy because of his paranoia, and I can't make him understand that I won't interfere in his life; I just need to know if he's ok.
I believe he turned down In Home Care, and now he can't walk to the store to buy his food. I don't know how far this will go until he calls for help from someone there, but I'm not allowed to intervene at all.
Is it normal for a dying person to lash out so abusively at someone they love?
Also, I have not dealt with a death of someone close to me since my mother died in 1993 but we were not close. My brother means everything to me; I used to take care of him while we were growing up; when he would get into trouble I would cover for him. (I am the oldest).
My dog just died this past spring, and I have times where I dont want to go on without her. But I now am having times where I don't think I can go on when my brother goes. I am trying to find him a place where he can move closer to me, if he ever gets well enough to travel on a bus here (he would do it if I found the right circumstances, which I'm working on).
If he dies up there in that damp, unpleasant town (Port Angeles, Washington) all alone, I don't know how I will live with myself. I don't know how I will get past the grief when I can barely get past losing my dog. If he won't let me help him, I know there is nothing I can do, but I can't stand the way he suffers for his stubborness! He refuses any anti-depressants or medication that might help his depression.
P.S. I do see a psychiatrist and take medication for depression.
Thank you.
Answer Dear Melody,
Have you given any thought to going to him personally, especially now, given the circumstances? Perhaps you are already aware of this fact, but quite often, people who are in severe pain or are being treated for such, become incoherent at times, and this may explain your brother's lashing out at you. I do not know your circumstances, but if it were me, I would think seriously of making a trip to Port Angeles, WA to see him one more time -- if you don't, and he dies, which he could very well do shortly, given his physical condition, you will set yourself up for untold grief and heartache because you didn't go see him during his last hours of life.
Tomorrow, my wife and I are driving back to West Virginia for the 3rd time in 2 weeks, to pay our respects to his wife and attend her brother Joey's Memorial Service. He too lashed out at her two weeks ago, but just this past Saturday, when she told him that we were leaving to go back home, because she had to work the next day, he wrote out on his writing pad, "I knew you would come. Thank you." He died the following morning at 9am.
This is not a profession for me, rather, having experienced the death of both of my parents, two wives, an uncle, and now a brother-in-law all within the span of the past 10 years, I have become somewhat of an expert in coping and dealing with death. Despite all that I have seen, I can tell you this -- none of us are ever ready when it comes, so be prepared for that, and simply do whatever it takes for you to at least make an attempt to see him one last time before he dies.
In closing, Melody, I would like to refer you to a wonderful website, that is owned and operated by two very close friends of mine, by the name of Ron and Pat Goss. Their website is simply: www.projectrestore.com
Visit their website, and under the button of free materials/magazines, click on two magazines in particular, that I truly believe will be a blessing to you in this difficult hour of your life. The two that I highly recommend are:
1) Peace Above the Storm, and
2) A Love Stronger than Death
May you be blessed as you read both of those magazines, and may God's Holy Spirit descend upon you and give you the wonderful and peaceful reassurances that there is nothing that God can't do. Most often He does some of His very best work, when we are in situations beyond our control, and we simply ask Him for His presence at this very point in our lives. The choice is yours and you have everything to gain and nothing to lose. God is always at home waiting to take our calls, and when we do make that call, we can rest assured of never having to contend with a busy signal. So, go ahead and make that call -- you won't be sorry.
