Coping with Loss/I lost my son! He left me here !!!!!!!
QUESTION: KRIS WAS MY BEST FRIEND I hate life. It means nothing to me now. I have a DAUGHTER WHO IS NOW A twinless twin WHOM I watch STRUGGLING JUST TO MAKE ENDS MEET, MY OLDEST SON NEVER CALLS ME OR COMES OVER. WHAT DID I DO WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Someone PLEASE TELL ME NOW WHAT DO I DO NOWWW WWWWWWWWWW Is this all there is to life. I am suffering sooooooooo deeply. I struggle from day 2 day to keep my head up . but I know my tears of sorrow shows though. If help is out there i need help. If god loves me so much why am i in soooooooo much pain. Heart cannot take to much more.
ANSWER: Dear Jayna:
Even though I know it will be almost impossible for my words to penetrate your broken heart, I want to say how sorry I am for your suffering. I do, however, admire your strength to reach out for help. You've suffered a pain that no parent should ever face and the one thing every parent dreads. My heart goes out to your daughter as well, as we all know the agony of losing a sibling, the pain seems to be much deeper when it is a twin.
If this was a sudden, unexpected death I know the road ahead of you, but please don't tell yourself that you hate life. Your daughter needs your love now more then ever. There are many scriptures in the Bible that are meant to offer strength but I know at this moment you don't really feel like sifting through the Bible, so I'd like to suggest talking to a clergyman that you feel you can trust. You're probably saying, "oh, what good would that do?" I have felt the same way and I reluctantly went forward with giving the time to talk with my Minister. To my surprise, I felt as if I had had a heavy burden lifted from me afterwards. Oh the hurt of missing my loved one was still there, but I felt that I had a better understanding of things and I realized that God had taken this special person because he was so special in His eyes. He was ready to be God's own and God was ready to receive him in his kingdom. It would have been selfish of me to feel resentment for him leaving me. Once a month, in his honor, I burn a white candle for a full day. That's my way of paying tribute to a person who earned God's love as well as ours.
Another suggestion that will probably be of some benefit to you, my friend, is for you and your daughter to join a support group. You'll find that knowing that you're not alone and hearing others' stories as well as the freedom to talk freely will help ease your pain. Plus you'll be doing something special with your daughter.
As for your son who doesn't call: I, too, have an older daughter that does me the same way. Trying to be a good parent, I talked with several doctors to evaluate my own worth. I realize that I have raised four girls and all love me as daughters should..so even though I miss the oldest, there is just so much I can do and I've done it all...for over thirty years now. I'm always here to love her when she 'needs' it..otherwise, I refuse to torture myself because of something I don't understand. You haven't done anything wrong. Please don't torture yourself. There are just some people who don't 'need family' the way we do and for those, I pray very hard.
There are probably no words that can comfort you at this time, but I hope you will pray hard for strength and understanding and give it some time and I believe you will come to realize that God has a plan for you as well. Your son will live on in yours and your daughters' hearts, memory and actions.
I hope you will keep me up to date as to how things progress for you. I have faith in you and I will be praying for you and your children. My best, Joanne
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QUESTION: My son and his dad (My 1st husband) passed with the same DX cardiomyopathy. I feel so alone everybody new he came home from the hospital to die but me. I cannot stop my tears. I cannot understand why is god letting me suffer, why can't he come for me too. I'm no good to anyone since my baby left. I don't pray for money, fame, I PRAY DAILY TO BE REUNITED WITH MY SON. WHAT HAPPENED TO ASK AN YOU SHALL RECEIVE? I'm asking, begging
and i'm still here. I thought god wouldn't forsake me. I need kris so bad PLEASE GOD REUNITE HIM WITH ME PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. I don't belong here without my baby-boy.
God's will is very hard to understand especially when we don't receive the answer that we want to our prayers. When a parent loses a child the parent most always has a feeling of guilt and wants to 'go' too. I've asked that same question that you asked, "what happened to 'Ask and ye shall receive'. The only answer I can think of is that when we're grieving we're not looking at things with a broad perspective; we only see and feel our pain. I know that feeling; waking up in the morning and feeling angry because I lived through another night when I would have rather passed on quietly. When the reality occurs that I, once again, am facing another empty day with only my loved one on my mind, my thinking narrows again to my own pain. In a sense, Jayna, we're attempting to escape from reality.
God has not forgotten you but has a plan for you; it is not your time yet. One day you will join your son and the reunion will be a joyful one, but you will be glad that you chose to trust God in His choices.
I am at a distance but speaking personally I can tell you that what pulled me out of the depths of depression was talking to others, getting out and trying new things and socializing. It helped me to pull out of the darkness when I started reaching out to help others. When you see someone who is completely alone and you reach out to them and they tell you how much you are appreciated, you feel like you made the right decision...there was, indeed, unfinished work for you to do.
Keep all the precious memories but please make plans to get out and do things with your daughter. You will probably find that most of your conversations are about your son, but slowly you two will find other things to talk about and you will discover that you and she didn't go when your son went because it wasn't your time...your hurt will never completely go away but it will become tolerable and you'll be happy to have the memories.
Talking to a trusted Minister or a professional is a great help because they are good listeners and they've counseled people in your situation before. The main thing is to reach out. I can tell from how you write you are feeling like the weakest person alive right now but, in fact, you are very strong and I know you can pull through this. Pray often and remember others' in your prayers. I wish you the best..stay strong..you're too good of a person and mother to give up now. Best wishes, Joanne