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Coping with Loss/55 yr old mother dying of esophageal cancer

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I just put my mom in a palliative care unit of a long term care facility. I though she was going to die very soon. It seems like she is hanging on. She does not want anyone to worry about her. The nurses are great and look after her ( if she ever asks). My mom is a very strong independent women. She is still pushing herself in a wheel chair outside to smoke. On cold windy days it seems as if it is more important for her to get outside to smoke than to visit with me. Even when I bring my kids ( age 2&4) , I have to drag her out of the smoking area. I feel very angry with her, for this. My mom and me are very close. I quit smoking 6 mos ago. I hate that she supported my habit for so many years. I ammadthat she did not try to set a good example and take care of herself. I believe she choose smoking over my dad ( her divorced husband). And she continues to choose smoking instead of dealing with the sadness of her soon to come death. I am off work now till she passes. I ammissingtime from my kids and my life to spend time with someone who ( it seems) would rather smoke. I do not want to be angry with her. It is not worth it at this point but I wish she realized what she was doing:(. I just don't know how to cope.... Sometimes I feel like I should just go back to work like my brother and call me when she dies .... But I can't she always did everything for me. I guess I just noticed this now because I aman ex smoker. What do u think? Any copying tips?

Answer
pink rose
pink rose  
Hi Melaine,   You are having a very difficult time... it is good of you to reach out and get some help... Do you remember when you were a smoker  and how much you craved a cigarette??  How that seemed to rule you???   I commend you on being able to quit smoking... that  must have been a very difficult time for  you ... Did your mom support your smoking or did she let you make the decision on what you wanted to do????  Some people are not strong enough to quit smoking... You are fortunate that your were able to quit smoking.. For you it is difficult to see her smoking   knowing that this could be what caused her cancer... it is not an easy thing to watch a loved one dying   and they are still doing what is not good for them... but would it matter at this time   if she quit smoking???   Her days are limited. possibly she thinks why bother to quit... it does not matter... Don't be angry with her... just love her   and let her know how much she means to  you ... When she is no longer here... you will have the memories of the last days you spent with her... it must mean a lot to her that you are willing to spend time with her   even if she spends a ot of time smoking... How would you like to see her deal with dying????  Would changing her life style do anything to change that???  People cope with dying in different ways... Your mom is coping in the way that is best for her... I wish you all the best   and if you need to contact me again... please feel free to do so...  

Coping with Loss

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Edith Ziegler

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I can answer questions about how to move on with your life, what sort of things to do to help you move forward, how to deal with offhand remarks such as it will get better with time, you may meet someone new in time I am not sure what I cannot answer because usually something occurs to me that will suffice as a satisfactory answer

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I took a course through the VON for couselling and am also doing grief counselling

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