Coping with Loss/Grief.



I lost my mother last year on August 12th 2012, she live in Brazil and I live with my husband and daughters in England. She had been ill in hospital since may 2012 when I found out she had some chronic respiratory disease. Last time I saw her alive was on the 28th of July 2012 (her birthday) via video call.
I cannot get over her death, she was only 59 when she died. It's such a senseless death. She had never even met her granddaughters's. I cry most days and I don't think my family can take anymore, I feel lost and alone. Please help me.


Dear Cris:

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.  I can certainly relate to your grief.

My mom was in a hospital in another town from me and because I was pregnant and experiencing complications, I was unable to even ride in a car.  We had no cell phones then so I had no  
opportunity to even talk to her.   The doctors' discovered a large lung tumor but it wasn't malignant so she was given the option to return home, build herself up since she had been sick for six months, and then have the surgery.  She chose to have the surgery and did not survive it.  When my dad told me about the option, I begged him to encourage her to recuperate before undertaking the surgery.  He told me I was being 'silly'.   When she died that morning, my dad or brothers did not call me until late that evening because they didn't want to 'face me'.  I  was devastated.   It took me a year to move on.

I think both you and I suffer from, not only the grief of losing our mother, but a certain amount of guilt because we were unable to visit her.  

I found myself able to cope better, Cris, when I started getting out of the house more; I got a job.  I also faced the fact that I could not change what had happened and I knew my mother understood why I couldn't get to her side.  I reminded myself that our Lord decides when it's time for our soul to return to HIM and knew her passing was the Lord's will.  Who am I to question His will?   I changed my way of thinking from dwelling on the past that I couldn't change to making the decision to concentrate on what would make my mother proud of me.  What would she want me to do?  She loved me and wouldn't want me sitting around drowning in my own pity.  She would expect me to grow each day and proceed with my life.   I enrolled in a Business College and  graduated and found a better job.  Thereafter I tried to achieve something new each year of my life.  After all, our mothers gave us life; they would not be proud to see us wasting it or sitting around being depressed.

You are  a strong, determined person and I know your mother is probably somewhere smiling proudly.  Some people don't share my belief in Angels or spirits but the Bible mentions them over 305 times.  If you weren't a determined person, you would not be seeking the opinions of other people.  You probably inherited this trait from your mother, so be proud.  

Take time to grieve because it is such an important part of the process of moving on.  But don't allow yourself to be 'stagnant'.   The most important thing you can do for your mother and yourself is to move on, take life by the horns (so to speak) and live.  Share your memories of your childhood with your co-workers and friends.  It keeps you close to your mom and allows your inner self to heal and move on.  Moving on doesn't mean  you're leaving your mother behind; it means you're living your life which is exactly why your mother and our Saviour gave you life!   Sharing childhood stories and memories keeps us close to our mother and in us, she lives on in us.

I don't think there is any 'right' answer to surviving the death of the most important person in our life; however, the things I have shared with you served as helpful tools for me.  Everyone is different.  Some people find comfort in visiting their mom's grave each day.  I, myself, found more comfort from looking at my albums of pictures.  I hope you will find comfort in a way that brings you peace and allows you to continue showing the love that she taught you.  May God bless you, my friend.

I would love hearing from you and how you are dealing with this great loss.  

Coping with Loss

All Answers

Answers by Expert:

Ask Experts


Joanne Flint


Dealing with the death of close family members and loss of a friend. Dealing with betrayal; how to accept it, deal with it and move on.


I lost my parents, who died less than eight months apart and a newborn son three months following the death of my mother. A year following this, my brother died suddenly and a 19 year old cousin was crushed to death in a car accident on his birthday. Now I am facing the impending death of a very good friend. I have also dealt with the death of a husband. I have found that talking with people with similiar experiences has helped me and I have been told that it has also helped them greatly.

A licensed nurse for twenty four years with several years working on a Psych ward as well as being the Executive Director and Director of Nursing Services for a Group Home for mentally ill and mentally retarded.

Awards and Honors
Awarded top clinical and top academic grade at my nursing graduation. Also was a member of the English Honors' Class while attending a local college.

Past/Present Clients
I don't share information about people with whom I talk, unless given permission. I am not a doctor, but I have given insight and hope to people just like myself.

©2016 All rights reserved.