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Coping with Loss/Is staying close to deceased boyfriend's family wrong?


I knew Kevin since I was about 10 years old.  We grew up around each other and went to school together.  When went seperate ways after high school.  Later at age 44 he and I met up again started dating seriously and were discussing getting engaged.  He was killed in an auto accident after our dating only 5 months.  We had not gotten offically engaged but discussed getting marrired the next year.  He has been gone for 7 months now.  I at first had no plans to move on in dating at all.

About two months ago I reunited with another man with whom I went to high school with and we have have started seriously seeing one another.  I remain in contact with Kevin's family and talk with them occasionally.  Usually about once a month.  Especially Kevin's mom.  When family and I talk or get together Kevin's name comes up, but it is not the only reason for the get together nor is it the only topic of discussion and this new man is not left out of the get together or the conversation.  

This new man is jealous of my continued relationship with Kevin's family.  I have done everything I can think of to show this new man that I am ready to move on.  I took down most of the pictures and gave away or put up the things from that relationship.  When the new man talked to me and let me know that he was bothered by the pictures/things that remained I put those away and took care of the things.

Now, because I continually on a month to month basis stil talk to Kevin's mother and again it isn't just about Kevin it is about the mother and things she is currently doing this new man is suggesting that I am not truly ready to move on.  I am not understanding his need for me to cut all ties with a family that I love and one that I knew and was close to even before Kevin and I dated.  We do not talk/see each other but maybe once a month and like I said the new man is not excluded.  This is causing a lot of pressure on me and I do not know what else to do that will make the new man see I am moving on and help me to not lose out on good friends just because of the new man's jealousy.  What do I do?

Dear Christy:

I guess there are a couple of ways in which to look at this problem.  

Your new man seems to be saying that in order to live peacefully with him, you must give up a relationship with a family you have grown to love.   You must ask yourself if this new man is actually asking you to give up this deceased man's family or is this a matter of him controlling you?  I, personally, do not see where this family is a threat to your new man.  And it doesn't seem to be making the statement that 'you're not ready to move on'.  If you weren't ready to move on, you wouldn't have become engaged with this gentleman.

I'm assuming that you have introduced the new guy to Kevin's family.  If you have, that should prove to him that you can be trusted.  And if you and Kevin's family are including the new guy when he is around, he should not feel threatened.

The second way you can view this is, and I'm sure this is what new guy wants, to give in, break off all contact with Kevins' family and give all your being to the new guy.  But, what happens when you're married and you two are out and you meet some of your old friends, who were friends of yours prior to your marriage?  Is your new husband going to demand that you not see them because they knew Kevin or knew you when you were dating Kevin?

Suppose, after you and new guy are married, he decides that your mother or a sibling was too close to Kevin or his family and tells you it bothers him when you're around them?   

I would think this through very carefully.  A man that really, truly loves you wants you to be happy and he would not ask you to give up innocent friendships.  He would want to be a part of your life, including your friendships with others.  

The decision in the end is yours, Christy.  But in an outsider's opinion, his demands or jealously is unwarranted  and could be a strong indication of what your married life could be like unless you and he come to some acceptable understanding.

Please feel free to contact me.  I would love to hear from you and to know what progress you make concerning this problem.


Coping with Loss

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Joanne Flint


Dealing with the death of close family members and loss of a friend. Dealing with betrayal; how to accept it, deal with it and move on.


I lost my parents, who died less than eight months apart and a newborn son three months following the death of my mother. A year following this, my brother died suddenly and a 19 year old cousin was crushed to death in a car accident on his birthday. Now I am facing the impending death of a very good friend. I have also dealt with the death of a husband. I have found that talking with people with similiar experiences has helped me and I have been told that it has also helped them greatly.

A licensed nurse for twenty four years with several years working on a Psych ward as well as being the Executive Director and Director of Nursing Services for a Group Home for mentally ill and mentally retarded.

Awards and Honors
Awarded top clinical and top academic grade at my nursing graduation. Also was a member of the English Honors' Class while attending a local college.

Past/Present Clients
I don't share information about people with whom I talk, unless given permission. I am not a doctor, but I have given insight and hope to people just like myself.

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