Coping with Loss/How do I help him cope??
Alright, well, my name is Alison, and I am 24. I just recently got engaged to my fiancť, Christoph, who is 33. He is the sweetest man I have ever met, and he treats me so well. He is so charming, and he is such a gentleman. Well, he was very close to his father when he was younger, but he passed away when Christoph was only 15 years old. His father was a policeman, and I think that influenced Christoph a lot, because he is a bail enforcement agent now (basically a bounty hunter) and he takes great pride in what he does. Anyways, after his father passed, he became very close to his mother. He is an only child, so it was just him and his mom for a long time. Well, Sunday night, we went over her place to visit her, and found that she had killed herself. Christoph was completely distraught (understandably) and inconsolable. She never showed any sign of depression, and now Christoph says he feels like heís responsible for her death because he never did anything to help her. He insists that this is his fault and that he was a bad son. Every Sunday morning, he would buy both his mother and I flowers and we would bring them over to her when she came back from church, and he spent loads of time with her so she wouldnít get lonely. I have never seen such a good son.
Anyway, he was given some time off of work, since performing a job like his in such a state could be dangerous for him. He has spent a lot of time just laying on the couch staring off into space. I donít know what to do for him. I suggested to him that we go for a walk or do something and he just told me he didnít feel up to it. Again, understandable. I made him his favorite foods and spent a lot of time just sitting with him. Last night he refused to come to bed, and he fell asleep on the couch at around 3 am and he was up by 6 am. Iím just worried about him, and I want to help, but I donít want to pester him. What can I do? Itís killing me seeing him like thisÖ How can I help him through this?
Hello Alison... I apologise for the delay in anwering your question... I am having major computer issues but hopefully it will last long enough so I can send a reply... Christoph is feeling major guilt even though he is not too blame.. many people that lose a loved one to suicide have a huge problem coming to terms with their loss... HE working through the feeling of wondering how he could have missed that his mom was so sad she wanted to end her life... the thoughts that go through his mind might be.. I should have known there was something wrong... why did I not see this??? It is going to take time for him to accept that he DID NOT cause the problem and he could not know what was in his moms mind.. In time he might consider going to a grievance counsellor or join a group that has lost someone to suicide... you may want to check into where these groups meet and get the information for him so when he is ready it is there for him.. At this time you cannot do more than you are... it is just a very helpless feeling to have to stand by and not be able to do more... Giving him space is the best thing you can do... Let him know you are there and will support him through this very trying time.. possibly you might want to go to the group and see how others managed ... When you have the information let Christoph know what you have and tell him you are going to go and would like for him to join you if he feels up to it... if he declines then you go... you also need help in understanding how to deal with this upheaval... I am always here for you if you need to contact someone just to talk... my thoughts are with you ..