AboutAzure Expertise expertise: over 6000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work; technical editor, "dating for dummies", by dr joy browne; thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available uponrequest...life experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t enough...it`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and enlightenment...so tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks
Question I was in a relationship with a younger woman. 10+ years. We were both grad students and had similiar lifestyles. At 1st my relationship w/ her family was good. We got engaged, which the parents didn't approve. The parents heavily influenced her decisions and (a long story, but was mainly in rxn to her parents) but we ended up living apart for half a year. I realized it was a mistake and was set to move back to where she was, but I was pretty down because I wasted half a year being apart, and came to realize how much interference there had been... her parents gave her a hard time demanding she leave me... she endured though. I first spoke with the mom who accused me of using their daughter, ruining their lives, amongst other horrible judgements. Then the dad called me a day before I was moving back (and this is halfway around the world)... they said their daughter was better of w/o me and I was risking her goals, that i was lost, broke and selfish... I deferred to them, did not argue ...I tried to block it all out and told her I would be there.. but i broke down the day of my flight... I told her I just couldn't do, that i loved her, that her parents will be happy, that she is better off... she was so hurt, saying how could i do this to her, that she gave me everything.. We didn't communicate for a few days and her only thought was that deep down I wanted to be alone, not give myself... I felt so down I accepted her judgement... another week went by, I asked if she wanted to talk, she said no, I said I'd go away. I contacted her again and she said she never said to go away.. and I got emotional and said that I didn't want to do it, it was the position her parents put me in. She thinks the fight she had with her parents is the same for me. I tried to reconcile. After 4 months, we talked, she couldn't answer yes or no if she loved me. There were still feelings there, but she still sees what I did as coldblooded, as too uncaring and hurtful, and doesn't associate her parents influence with what I did.
How wrong was my reaction? To give up as I did...? Should she have taken it the way she did? I have been unable to move on, still affected by hurting her, her parents words and history of interference, by missing her, by leaving someone I was completely in love with...
Answer not a question of right/wrong...your decision is understandable when viewed objectively; it was partially her responsibility to get her parents to be supportive--she not only didn't do it, she then failed to understand your decision wasn't self-centered at all..now after all this time she STILL holds it over you, rather than trying to recapture what once was...my advice would be to consider this HER loss, stop blaming yourself, stop communicating, focus on YOUR life, meeting/dating others NEARBY, especially those far more considerate...
