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Question QUESTION: I was in a relationship with a younger woman. 10+ years. We were both grad students and had similiar lifestyles. At 1st my relationship w/ her family was good. We got engaged, which the parents didn't approve. The parents heavily influenced her decisions and (a long story, but was mainly in rxn to her parents) but we ended up living apart for half a year. I realized it was a mistake and was set to move back to where she was, but I was pretty down because I wasted half a year being apart, and came to realize how much interference there had been... her parents gave her a hard time demanding she leave me... she endured though. I first spoke with the mom who accused me of using their daughter, ruining their lives, amongst other horrible judgements. Then the dad called me a day before I was moving back (and this is halfway around the world)... they said their daughter was better of w/o me and I was risking her goals, that i was lost, broke and selfish... I deferred to them, did not argue ...I tried to block it all out and told her I would be there.. but i broke down the day of my flight... I told her I just couldn't do, that i loved her, that her parents will be happy, that she is better off... she was so hurt, saying how could i do this to her, that she gave me everything.. We didn't communicate for a few days and her only thought was that deep down I wanted to be alone, not give myself... I felt so down I accepted her judgement... another week went by, I asked if she wanted to talk, she said no, I said I'd go away. I contacted her again and she said she never said to go away.. and I got emotional and said that I didn't want to do it, it was the position her parents put me in. She thinks the fight she had with her parents is the same for me. I tried to reconcile. After 4 months, we talked, she couldn't answer yes or no if she loved me. There were still feelings there, but she still sees what I did as coldblooded, as too uncaring and hurtful, and doesn't associate her parents influence with what I did.
How wrong was my reaction? To give up as I did...? Should she have taken it the way she did? I have been unable to move on, still affected by hurting her, her parents words and history of interference, by missing her, by leaving someone I was completely in love with...
ANSWER: not a question of right/wrong...your decision is understandable when viewed objectively; it was partially her responsibility to get her parents to be supportive--she not only didn't do it, she then failed to understand your decision wasn't self-centered at all..now after all this time she STILL holds it over you, rather than trying to recapture what once was...my advice would be to consider this HER loss, stop blaming yourself, stop communicating, focus on YOUR life, meeting/dating others NEARBY, especially those far more considerate...
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QUESTION: To keep the original note condensed, I didn’t include all the details… one.. is that I am back where she is… as a fellow student, this is where I wanted to be, and I’m back in the program I wanted to be in… two, is that about a week after my leaving her, when I texted her and she didn’t want to communicate, and I said I’d go away, of which she didn’t reply… I felt all my options were gone, and I wrote a pretty spiteful letter to her father.. basically judging her parents as they judged me, and for how they treated her, and I did say some ugly things to him… about a week later I sent it and I told her about it. That is when she said she never said to go away. She didn’t protest my sending a letter to her dad though… and her dad never mentioned to her what I said to him. In further exchanges with the dad I told I was just being spiteful, in response for what they said to me. And he and ended on a more cordial note. And I mentioned he should dispose of the letter. With her and I, our communications continued as in the original note I wrote… but once she told me she wanted nothing to do with me… we stopped communicating. I didn’t tell her I was coming back here. About 4 months went by… I contacted her when I got here, just to let her know that I was here, but didn’t expect much communication… For a period of a few weeks, we met a few times, talked quite a bit…. Mainly about how I broke down and about
This is the time where when I asked if she loved still me, she wouldn’t answer… or she said why does it matter. But also during this time, her father told her about what I said in the letter to him. It seems obvious that he did this once he found out I was back here… When she saw the letter she again said do not communicate. During the semester, we mainly looked away from one another, then an occasional hi and smile… but I get this outcast feeling here… like people look at me like some jerk with commitment issues who broke a girls heart… and we exchanged a few emails, but with the same results… well, worse.. as now she thinks I led her on, like what we had was just a facade, and I left her in a heartbeat… but that has been about it for the past 5 months that I’ve been back here.
I know there is a lot of challenge, a lot of risk, a dirtied history. From all appearances it has been an unhealthy relationship with the interference. But I still love her for who she is.. and I know that she is just deeply sensitive and black and white, and felt pure loss, not any context to my leaving her. She is not inconsiderate. That is just who she is… and I know it is unhealthy, but the truth is… I love this girl, religiously. Where she opened up true love …and what was free and uninfluenced about her is who I love. That is what fit perfect. It was the outside world that got between us, that didn’t fit. I have been in serious relationships before, and have always been able to move on … but I really gave my heart to this girl. I am such a different person now, I used to be a rock… and now I’m pudding. I know this stuff only works out in Hollywood and fairy tales …but I feel like anything less is giving up… and I already did that once.
I guess I am just looking for how this looks, objectively, from an outside perspective. Your thoughts…?
Answer it looks like you're hanging on to pieces of april when it's a morning in may; you have a choice--a) accept the reality that it's over, realize that in this world the are MANY you can love, overcome your dependence on this, refocus on a new beginning, new females, get counseling to help, or, you can waste more precious time refusing to let go of this dream...sometimes "giving up" is the first necessary step to freedom--once you release yourself from the emotions that imprison you, you will be still able to love her for who she is, yet accept that it's ok she's not with you...
