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Coping with Older/Younger Relationships/Should I give up on relationships?


QUESTION: Please forgive the long post. I live in the USA. This is my situation and I need advice. I am in a relationship with a man who is 66. I am 52. He has led a full, productive and successful life. A war hero- 2 tours in Vietnam and in civilian life, retired after 48 years of service at a high level(government, police force, airport). Has been married 3 times; 5 children, 30 grandchildren, 2 great grandchildren. I am not married, no children (cannot have them), no career, graduated from college in 1983, but unsuccessful in a career. Unsuccessful in relationships- can have a boyfriend, but never been asked to marry. 3 serious boyfriends. One for 15 years, one for 20 years one for 6 months (he died). The boyfriends always say "something" is wrong with me when I press for where the relationship is going. Then they find an argument and move on. Longest job I have held has been 4 years. Currently in school for nursing (RN) scheduled to graduate this May. When I met this guy in church, we hit it off immediately. After about 4 months, he made an offer for me to move in his house so I would not have the stress of paying rent and bills while studying. Since I have been with him, he has not hesitated to let me know e-v-e-r-y-s-i-n-g-l-e-t-h-i-n-g- and I do mean EVERYTHING that bothers him about me. I am overweight by about 90 pounds (5'4" size 16), thighs too big; I am uncomfortable sitting in social situations with his 1st ex-wife; I take too long to get to the point-(like now); I should just "get over" the internal pain of not being able to get married or have kids [because it's not God's fault--it's YOUR (my) fault! "Everybody is not meant to be married"]. He also says I am rushing him into the marriage thing. I do not want to wait 20 years to be tossed to the side by this one too. Figured one year and we should talk. He said- "I won't stand in your way so you can get what you want. Maybe you should think about getting your own place." My question is, what can I do to get along better to become marriage material for this guy? Or any guy? Men don't seem to like me. I have tried all different types, young & old; lotsa money & little money. Is there just too much wrong with me? Am I just too old/ugly/fat/stupid/crazy? Should I just give up on the whole dating/relationship experience? Please help!!!

ANSWER: first, you need to realize that this guy doesn't love you, and make plan to get out of there and away from him; as for becoming more "marketable", that's a more involved topic that would take more than a short answer here; if you're interested in "dating coach" advise, let me first advice would be to lose the weight--it signals that you don't care about you so why should they...?

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for the quick answer... how did you come to it (that he does not love me)? Because it would be hard to believe that someone could give you the keys to his house in 4 months with absolutely no intentions.

having you move in doesn't necessarily mean love..maybe he felt sorry for you, or wanted someone to abuse; you haven't mentioned anything that shows "real" love..all i see are verbally abusive criticisms, and saying that maybe you should get your own place; sometimes reality is hard to accept, and we hang on to a"she" is a he...

Coping with Older/Younger Relationships

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expertise: over 6000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work; technical editor, "dating for dummies", by dr joy browne; thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks


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