AboutDanielle Spence Expertise I can answer questions on anxiety, depression, homosexuality, suicide, family problems, friend problems, school problems and general problems (parenting, personal problems).
I can`t answer:
Population questions, Why do innocent people suffer?, Questions about the future, drugs, alcohol and politics. (I just have my opinions)
Experience I've been involved in many organizations and have general knowledge in counseling. I have one counseling course and several psychology courses. I am use to counseling friends and people who I don't know. I will keep everything confidential.
Organizations that I've been involved in the past are: Its Teens
Teen Central
Big Brothers Big Sisters
Girl Guides
Vera Perlin Association (disabilities)
The organizations that I'm currently involved in are:
Girl Guides
Vera Perlin Association
I have also been "there" as well in most cases.
I am planning to pursue counseling/ministry.
I recently had a non-question post, which was rather rude along the lines of "do you really think one counseling course makes you feel qualified. I have been reading your responses and you are WAY off. You have to stop this, this is a profession not a lonely hearts club to make you feel good about yourself." They were creative and used name as questioner. Well, a polite answer to this is a simple no. I am doing this to help others, gain more knowledge, etc and I plan on pursuing this field. There is a notice in the disclaimer that not all volunteers are "certified". I am not "running a lonely hearts club to make myself feel good." Everyone has their own opinions and interprets things differently. Some may not like it while others will appreciate it.
I have a very interesting mind situation at the moment, I am 19, and have
dated many guys, slept with quite a few, and fell in love with one and been
close to doing so with a few others. I was brought up very christian, but have
always been extremely open-minded with people's beliefs, views, and
lifestyles, except for heterosexual sex before marriage. My mom has
enforced that for years and years and still to this day (I'm almost 20) does so
in very infantilizing ways. Contrary to my upbringing, I have always done
exactly what I wanted to do as far as dating etc. and have in many ways
unbeknownst to them, led a double life of who I am and what they know. I
came clean with them about a lot of things when I was 16 and the situation
has been much more accepting, and to a degree I really think that they owe to
accept me no matter what. But my mother is so strongly against sex before
marriage that it has become like a bane of my existence. I have had sex with
quite a few partners, but have not been able to orgasm yet with someone else
in the room, as compared to when by myself, I can do so in a few minutes.
I think a lot of it may also have to do with the fact that my family has always
tried to enforce that men cannot be trusted because all they want is sex and
that I need to be independent and never vulnerable around a man. Sex is the
most vulnerable situation in which a woman can be with a man. So maybe
that has something to do with it, but regardless, I have lately been wondering
if maybe I am not as heterosexual as I feel I am.
I have liked men and male genitalia for all of my life, but have always been
intrigued by women, and am trying to understand the reason for that because
I don't think that i am gay. The concept of the vagina on some level repulses
me, but it's so strange that I do think about women's bodies sometimes and
have wondered what an experience with a woman would be like.
It's very scary and nerve-racking for me and I feel like it makes me feel like
WHAT IF I am lying to myself, although I DO know in my heart that I'm not,
the fear and disgust clouds out all of that. --This has happened to a lesser
extent when I have watched documentaries on serial
killers/pedophiles/rapists/cannibals/sex with relatives or inappropriate
authority figures etc. also, although I honestly feel that I have never done
anything in my life with those types of intentions and almost can't even
CONCEIVE the concept, I feel like what if I just lost control someday.. even
though I DO KNOW I won't, and the whole thing is far-fetched, the fear
causes a lot of anxiety because what makes me so different than them, we're
all human... and when bad psychological things happens, who knows... even
though that's absurd, that is how the fear reasons in my head.
I am wondering if perhaps I have some sort of disorder, perhaps OCD, which
runs in my family, or some other sort of psychological issue.
But recently for the first time ever I have been obsessing about my sexuality.
I got into a battle of wits with my boyfriend and long time close friend, about
the idea that I wanted to someday have an oral sexual experience with
another woman, to see what it would be like and just because I think that
maybe I would be more comfortable with a girl because there's not any
butterflies or nervousness, and he tried to convince me (joking) that I was
bisexual.
And I don't feel like I am at all bisexual at all because I have never felt
attracted to a woman, I just think that some are very beautiful short of their
genitalia. But because I respect his opinion so much it actually created a
'what-if' reevaluation in my mind that had been very clear that I am straight
and never had doubted that. What's even more scary is that when I think
about it, I am not as much afraid of being bisexual as I am of being lesbian,
the idea of not having another man terrifies me on some level, and obviously
I have really been attracted to men and only men for my entire life. Never
have I even had a crush on a woman in the most innocent way at all. So I have
that personal proof in addition to what my heart tells me, that I am not a full
out lesbian. But the fear is still there, and not even the fear of acceptance, but
rather the fear of the concept. AND I cannot imagine that I am homophobic, I
love gay people, and I totally respect their choices and I am not at all afraid to
be close to someone gay, except that the idea of me being gay repulses me
as does all the aforementioned intrusive thoughts pass through. Not even the
idea of a woman going down on me, but rather the idea of anything else, like
me sexually pleasing her or her pleasing me in other ways not involving oral.
It's all very bizarre and specific ha.
I would just like to understand why this would happen! It's so strange, I live a
very normal life, I am a social butterfly, am intelligent, and am attractive, so
there is not a social outcast situation, do I have some sort of psychological
issue? Is there a complex that causes this?
Maybe having to do with my upbringing, childhood, or being hurt by the
opposite sex?
My parents tried to make me feel like men could not be trusted and that I
need to be independent at all times, and isolated me to only girls when I was
under the age of 12 and a ironically, a lot of them tried to make moves on
me, and I remember at first feeling ok with them making me feel good (I was
a horny little girl and masturbated from a young age), but the longer it went
on, the more grossed out I got, and if it came to me returning it, I was so
disgusted and weirded out. The more I think about it, there were 2 situations
where I hung out with boys, and had sexual experiences with each, both of
which I did not feel grossed out, only kind of bad because I knew our parents
would be upset were they to find out.
So I can sort of track my thoughts a little bit, a lot of people have
subconscious things like this that may be worth understanding, but maybe
it's even just better to let go of the thoughts and understand:
Gay, Bi, and Straight are just labels, if you fall in love with a woman, a man, or
both, then enjoy it, because that is what matters.
I've also done some research and found that there is also some scientific
evidence of the potential of bisexuality in women. The study consisted of
presenting straight women, straight men, gay men and gay women with
images of attractive men and women and then measuring if there was any
sexual response to the images. They found that in men, most gay men
responded only to men, most straight men responded only to women, I don't
remember what they said about lesbian women, but straight women
responded to both close to equally. They concluded that the tendency of
women's brains to be more open to sexual experiences with other women
was inherent. Strangely enough, most men are also very attracted to the idea
of two women. Who knows what all that means!
The big problem with all of this, is that on some level I think it very much so
has now become an issue with my boyfriend. I am irritated that he could get
into my head to make me question something like that with his stupid jokes.
Now I have trouble seeing him the same way and am almost less attracted to
him. There is a little bit of negative history there also that plays into that, as
we dated before and he was having personal issues where I ended up feeling
sort of abandoned and more hurt than almost ever before. I almost feel like if
I was not dating him now, I would not be so obsessed with this issue but like
I almost feel like I have something to prove.. It's all very strange to me!
If you could let me know your professional opinion with all this, that would
be great, thanks!
Erica
Answer Dear Erica,
How are you? I hope you are doing well. I do understand where you are coming from and I am going to do my best to provide assistance to you.
Based on what you have told me, you certainly have a very interesting situation on your hands right now. Your family and friends should accept you for who you are and I think they will.
If you like, maybe you can entertain the idea of trying things with another woman. Then that may or may not solve your situation.
With regards to why this is happening to you, it can happen to anyone and it is important to test your turf. I dont think that you have a psychological issue. I think that anything can cause anything. For example, when it comes to homosexuality/bisexuality it is either in the genes (born with it), sometimes it might be due to other circumstances like being in a bad relationship with the opposite gender. Also, what you said it can perhaps have to do with your upbringing or being hurt by the opp sex. I agree with you when you said Gay, Bi, and Straight are just labels, if you fall in love with a woman, a man, or both, then enjoy it, because that is what matters. That is very true.
The study that you found is very intersesting! Sorry to hear that there is an issue with your boyfriend and I understand how you feel. Sorry to hear that when he was going through a lot that he kinda abandoned you.
I hope this gives you some piece of mind. If you want to talk again, please never hesitate to contact me. Personally, I would like to talk with you this is my e-mail therose_dds@hotmal.com
Take care and hope to hear from you. Have a great day!
