AboutPam Dyson, MA, PLPC Expertise I specialize in working with children and families. I can address issues and problematic behaviors related to anxiety, depression, grief, abandonment, divorce, blended families, abuse, ADHD, peer difficulties, bullying, aggression and low self-esteem.
Experience I am a provisional licensed professional counselor with extensive training in play therapy.
Organizations American Mental Health Counselors Association, Board Eligible National Certified Counselor, Association for Play Therapy, Chi Sigma Iota,(Counseling Academic & Professional Honor Society International).
Education/Credentials BS in Family and Child Development, MA in Professional Counseling, Provisional Licensed Professional Counselor (PLPC)
Question When is the right time to tell my daughter that her daddy is not her biological father? My daughter turned 12 in February; she has never known her biological father. It is a very long story, but he had his parental rights relinquished when she was merely 1 year old. He is not allowed to have any contact with her or myself. Shortly after, I began a relationship with my boyfriend. We have never married legally, however been together as married for the last 11 years. Over the last year or so, my daughter has begun to ask strange questions; like, why her eye color is different and saying that she wants to see her birth certificate. I have asked family and friends if I should tell her, and I get a mixed response. Some tell me, that if she is asking questions, then I should tell her. Others tell me that I should wait as long as possible because she will be coming into a difficult age and use it against me. It takes someone special to be daddy to a child, and for that reason, I feel loyalty to my boyfriend. He does not want me to tell her yet either. I’m trapped between my love, loyalty, and trying to provide normality and stability for my daughter; and the increasing guilt and weight of caring this secret.
Answer Hi Sissy,
The longer you put off telling her the truth the more difficult it will be for her to process all of this. She may get angry because you didn't tell her sooner. She may begin to wonder if you have kept other secrets from her over the years and she may lose some trust in you and the man she's known as father.
Adolescence is a challenging phase and a time of self-discovery which may be why she is now questioning you so I do not agree with your well-meaning friends and family that you should put this off even longer.
Be factual with her. Don't make her biological father out to be a terrible person (even if he was). She is a part of him, like she is a part of you, and she may think that she took will be seen as a terrible person. Tell her she has two fathers. A biological one and the one who has loved her for the past eleven years.
I can understand why your husband does not want her to know. He probably feels that she will no longer see him as her father and will want to search out her biological father.
There is never a perfect time to tell her but the sooner the better. Secrets can cause a lot of emotional damage.
