AboutPam Dyson, MA, PLPC Expertise I specialize in working with children and families. I can address issues and problematic behaviors related to anxiety, depression, grief, abandonment, divorce, blended families, abuse, ADHD, peer difficulties, bullying, aggression and low self-esteem.
Experience I am a provisionally licensed professional counselor with extensive training in play therapy.
Organizations American Mental Health Counselors Association, Board Eligible National Certified Counselor, Association for Play Therapy, Chi Sigma Iota,(Counseling Academic & Professional Honor Society International).
Education/Credentials BS in Family and Child Development, MA in Professional Counseling, Provisional Licensed Professional Counselor (PLPC)
Question QUESTION: I have never told her that the father who brought her up is not her biological dad. Her bio dad didn't was to acknowledge her, so I asked the father (we had just gotten a divorce)of my other 2 kids to become her dad. He did, even when I was absent from my children's life during bouts of bi-polar pshchosis. I kept his request that my daughter not be told about her bio dad, although my kids father has maintained an acrimonious attitude toward me and expressed this to our children.Now my daughter is 40 and pregnant through DI. I will be her child's caretaker (During the last 10 years I have been a successful teacher, am now on Lexapro, and enjoying mental health. Nonetheless, my daughter's not bio dad refuses to be in the same space as I. He says seeing me triggers his alcoholism. (For the last 39 years we have been able to talk amiably and I have expressed my appreciation for his fathering.) I believe it's right for my daughter to know the truth of her biological heritage but I also don't want to cause upset to her pregnancy. To tell her may also cause her to have take sides, again. How do I handle this? Thank you for your time.
ANSWER: Hi Paula,
I am wondering why you now feel, after forty years, that your daughter needs to know the truth about her biological father?
I agree with you that telling her while she is pregnant might not be a good time. She may be angry with you for keeping this from her for so many years. She may also wonder if you have been keeping other secrets from her. Are your prepared to deal with that?
There is no easy way to handle this situation. I wish you the best of luck.
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QUESTION: Hi, Thank you for your answer and the excellent question - why now? Previous to my agreement with her not-bio dad to keep the secret (a therapist st the time also advised me to do this)- his contingency to acting as her father. Just before that, when my daughter was 2, I had started to tell my daughter, even changing her last name to mine. Recently I have have been advised by two therapists that she has the right to know, a feeling I had had all along along. This feeling diverged with my wanting her to have the same father as her siblings. Now that I and her dad are old and her bio-dad is a widower also along in age - I feel perhaps my daughter should have the opportunity to meet her bio-dad before he dies. However, as much as I feel she should know the truth I also wonder of keeping this truth to myself is best for all involved. Telling her seems sometimes more like confession than "truth." I am so torn.
Thank you so much for any illumination you can give me on this problem.
Answer Paula,
Your last statement says a lot:
Telling her seems sometimes more like confession than "truth."
You're getting older and looking back at your life and one of the things you feel left unattended is telling your daughter the truth about her biological father. You may be harboring guilt and by telling her you will feel a sense of relief.
Your daughter does deserve to know the truth but after forty years there will be a cost. You can't know what her reaction will be and how it will effect her relationship with you and other family members.
I can understand why you are torn over knowing what to do. It's not my policy to suggest what should be done. I simply offer insights into possible scenarios so that people can feel they've investigated everything before deciding what to do.
