Expert: Patricia A. Schafer, Ph.D. - 10/28/2011

Question
QUESTION: Almost 2 years ago I cut ties with my mother after long and deep thought on my part. Growing up our relationship was never great, she was a single parent who moved in with my grandparents who in turn helped to raise me, without them I probably would today be much worse off. Depending on what kind of man my mother was dating determined whether she had a daughter and she would disappear for days sometimes weeks at a time leaving me with my grandparents or with my Aunt. She found herself in abusive relationships and that translated into me being verbally and emotionally abused. Shes attempted suicide over a dozen times being hospitalized off and on and was diagnosed with depression and bipolar. We would have our fights and so forth as I grew older but could still communicate for the most part. My grandmother passed away in 2000 and things between my mother and I went downhill fast, my mother became intolerable to be around, putting me down constantly, throwing punches at me at times, she attempted to control every aspect of my life and as a 21 year old in college at the time I couldn't bend over backwards for her anymore. I went to my grandfather first for help but he pushed everything on to my shoulders by saying things like she's your mother it's your responsibility to take care of her, and that I should be willing to live my life for her. I tried my best to handle things but being around her caused more tension. I can describe her behavior at times as if she were a child, throwing fits when I wouldn't do what she wanted. I started ignoring her phone calls and living my life the best way I could. My wedding was an awful experience she attempted to buy my wedding gown for herself to wear because she said it was her day not mine, she fought with me at my reception because I wouldn't let her come stay the night with my husband and I on our wedding night. I could go on and on. Anyways the last few years have been the worst, she attempted to get a credit card in my name, she tried moving in with my husband and I, she even made comments about when I do decide to have a baby that only she is allowed to be in the delivery room with me not my husband. She became more and more irrational even threatening to kill my aunt because she has a good relationship with me. I decided 2 years ago that enough was enough being around her was like the life was being sucked out of me, I've even been diagnosed with stress induced hair loss. After cutting ties with her I felt great, liberated even until the harassment began, calling, texting, messages on Facebook. I had to block numbers and block her from my facebook friends list. Ive even had to threaten legal action. When she cannot get through to me she has others do it for her. I've been cyber bullied, phone bullied by individuals who have nothing to do with the situation. They call me a horrible daughter, the worst person that's ever walked the face of the earth, a worthless piece of *hit. I find having to defend myself has become a daily event. Some of these individuals are family as well. Instead of admitting that my mother has problems and needs help they throw all the blame onto me. If my mother was a friend of my mine instead of being my mother these people would be saying things like you don't need to be friends with someone like that. I don't know what to do anymore. I do have supportive people in my life and I do my best to cut out anyone who isn't but the bullying is too much. I cant have her back in my life I just can't but I want these people to leave me alone as well.

ANSWER: Hi Larien,

You have been doing the right thing by cutting ties from a very sick woman who will not get help.  You did not cause her to be that way, you cannot control her, and neither can you cure her.  Now it sounds like she is convincing others to think like her.

If you don't have one, get a phone in your home that has an answering machine.  Then you can just sit back and here or see (it can run their name across the tv screen when the phone rings if you have cable hooked up for tv and phone).  You then do NOT have to answer the phone. If they call you on your cell, call the cell phone company to see if you can get those numbers blocked. If you can, go through your previous cell phone calls and give the phone company a list of numbers.

She may play the suicide game and threaten to kill herself unless you do this or do that. So, you then call 911 and give them the name and address of where she lives and that she just threatened suicide.

Next, call the police and see if you can get a restraining order on your mom.  Let them know she is verbally harassing you, how sick she is, has threatened to kill your aunt and if she is using foul language at you. Also, when she tried to get a credit card in your name, she could go to jail for that. Let the police know those are things she does and if they have any other ideas how they can keep her away from you. I think I'd rather talk to a police women, they are more empathetic.

Do not feel obligated to invite her to any parties or anything.  Don't even tell her when you are pregnant.  Her illness is very, very, serious, and she refuses help. There is nothing you can do for her and you are NOT obligated to do anything for a sick person.  You are not professional qualified to help this ill person. Only psychiatrists can help if she every goes for help.

You did not mention your husband in your letter.  Is he backing you up in all your decisions because you are doing the right thing.

I hope my comments help you.  Take care,

Dr. Pat



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your kind words. My husband does support me (he's not a very talkative man). I try not to let the words of others get to me but sometimes it does become too much because they refuse to see things from the other side of the fence. Their words hurt but I am trying to ignore them the best that I can.

Answer
Hi Larien:

It is wise to ignore them because they do not know how it feels to be in your position. They do not have or have had your past and present experiences.  If you can   cut ties with people who tend to bring you down, do it.  You need to save your sanity and also to make your sanity stronger by also avoiding people who are "toxic" to you (those who bring you down.

Also, to get more support for you, look up Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings and also Al-Anon meetings. Those meetings have people who grew up in an abusive home and any form of a dysfunctional home.  Type in the search engine: Al-Anon meetings in (your city's name) or type in Al-Anon Family Groups or afg.com.
Next type in the search engine Adult Children of Alcoholics in (city's name).  Sometimes you have to be a detective to find the meeting schedules by typing various things in the search engines. You will get a lot of good support of people who have had very similar experiences as you have had.

Hope this helps.

Dr. Pat