Expert: Graig Yarbrough - 11/13/2011

Question
Hi, I am an 18 year old Female in my first year at a large state university.

Recently my roommate, who has also become my good friend has been thinking of transferring to a college back in her hometown because she wants to be by her old High School buddies. It upsets me, because I never had many friends in High School...and now that I have a really good one in College, I don't want to let her go. She has tons of friends here, and likes the school....but she can't move out of the high school frame of mind, she just wants to hang out by her old high school and be by kids who are trying to move on with their lives.

I try to convince her to stay, but I don't think she is taking it to heart. Am I holding her back from moving on? Or am I doing the right thing by trying to convince her it is time to move on from High School? I'm not sure if you have any advice, but I just feel lost and don't want to loose a friend; but maybe I am being the bad friend by forcing her to stay here. Not having many friends in life, I really don't know how to handle myself.  If you have any general advice on how to handle myself in this situation, it would be most appreciated.

Answer
Hi Shelly,

First, a reality check.

We do not control others and others cannot control us.

We can react to how others behave and we do that all the time.

Sounds like you are feeling some grief at the loss of someone you care about.

Shelly, it’s Important to understand that feelings are just the body telling us how we are seeing our world.  The positive feelings are natural and part of whom we are. The negative ones are telling us the direction we are going in is not helping us.

When you feel bad, for any reason, it is probably a program you have stored in your sub-conscious.
When you think of certain things, it is triggered and out comes the feelings again.

Your relationship to your friend is motivated by your feelings.  Those feelings are not what is happening right now. They are what has happened in the past and is now coming out because of a trigger.  However, those feelings are telling you how to react to your friend leaving.

When you can learn to let go of those feelings, you are more at ease and are better able to perceive what is really going on in these situations.

Your friend leaving is not about you. It is about her; what she wants, what she sees, and what is motivating her.  Your feelings are not allowing you to see that.

The truth is there are thousands of people out there who would want to be friends with you.  You have to see that and behave accordingly.  Feelings can get in the way of doing that.

Another aspect of this is that when you want something you are expressing not having it.   Therefore, learning to let go of wanting, you release the stress associated with it.  The wanting keeps you from the having. When you let go of the wanting, you are free to have. Does that make sense?

You can’t want and have at the same time.

Wanting approval, wanting control, and wanting security is holding you back from having all three.

I can help you to learn to let go of these things.  You can see for yourself how this works.
Just let me know.

Graig 