Expert: Laura Giles, MSW - 12/30/2011

Question
This relates to my two adult sons. This past holiday season one of my sons visited with me. I had gifts and a card for him.  He opened his gifts and said thank you, but did not have a gift or card to reciprocate.  I felt very hurt that he did not have at least an inexpensive card to give me.  Later that evening I told him that I was disappointed that I didn't at least receive a card from him.  He told me that he was sorry and that he had intended to get me a gift and card the next day.  I wanted to say, that's okay, but in my heart was I was very hurt.  This happens from time to time with my birthday as well.  The same thing happens with my oldest son.  This is the first time that I verbalized my disappointment.  I felt really guilty laying this on them.  Was I wrong to share my disappointment with them?

Answer
Dear Patty,

No, it's not wrong to share the honesty of your heart with others. You stated your disappointment. Now I would let it go. Don't feel guilty about it. Don't feel hurt that you didn't get something in return.

Gifts are things that are given freely from the heart without any expectation of receiving in return. If you are giving in expectation of getting something back, that's not a gift. It's manipulation that has backfired on you. The work for you is to accept your sons as they are. If you let go of your expectation, I think you will be more peaceful inside and find other things about them that delight you.

Happy New Year,

Laura Giles
http://lauragiles.net