Expert: Marc Storr - 12/9/2011

Question
Recently a good friend of mine and I got into a bit of an argument about computer tech.  Usually if we disagree it is a VERY mild kind of thing and no big deal.  I guess it scared me because we actually got a little mad at each other.  I'm a pretty good communicator, so arguments like this are very rare between friends and I.   

This kind of thing can really scare me because of past issues where I have had arguments with friends that ultimately resulted in the friendship ending.  Like the friends I lost when it came out that I'm not religious where they were zealots.

Computers are something that my friend and I use together quite a bit.  So avoiding the issue would not be an option.  Also, we're guys so talking about "feelings" and such doesn't happen.  I wish I knew what to do.  All the friends I have now are so important to me.

Answer
Hi Todd

Firstly, sorry about the delay - I thought I'd answered this but clearly I hadn't...

From what you write, I'm picking up three things; firstly, you say you've got a 'little mad' at each other; secondly you say these issues are rare because you're a good communicator; thirdly, you bring up past issues where friendships have fallen apart.   
As far as the little mad thing goes, it doesn't sound too bad as you don't say that you both began to really fight and say things that were hurtful (these are usually the things that remain after an argument and need addressing).  It sounds like you had a heated exchange, which was out of the norm, and the conversation then fell apart.  On the upside, this can be viewed positively if you like - people who don't care what the other person thinks will not usually argue with them (because they don't care).  On another positive note, I don't think you really get close to people unless you've had an argument with them - crazy I know, but everyone argues and it is an experience that you've now shared with your friend and means that you know them a little better.

Regarding the 'rarity' of the event - it sounds like you are blaming yourself because you're normally a 'good communicator'.  You may be beating yourself up on a number of levels because of this and may be classing yourself as a 'failure' because you should have done better.  On the upside, welcome to being human, which I'm sure you're aware of already but its nice to have a reminder every now and then.  Nobody's perfect Todd, give yourself a break and see it as one of things at one of those times.

The 'past issues' thing may also tap into the 'rarity' thing - there's clearly some bad feeling regarding previous friendships breaking up and this feeling may have attached itself to the current situation.  There's only one way around this one and that's to talk to your friend about it.  You'll feel better and your friend will probably appreciate it too by making him feel valued enough for you to be concerned about it.  Your friends are clearly valued by you and, just like anyone else, they need to know it every now and then - you now have an opportunity to let the friend in question know it.

You don't need to go into any depth about your feelings and it may even get in the way if you do - just let your friend know that you regret the argument and you don't want the friendship to suffer as a result of it (keep positive and upbeat and don't get drawn into rehashing what happened).  Then man-hug it out and sink a few beers to consolidate the experience.  Given the delay of this response, you may have already sorted this out - time has a funny way of doing that.

Good luck and merry xmas and have a happy new year with your friends.

Regards, Marc