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Counseling/Arguments with friends.....

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Expert: - 12/9/2011


Question
Recently a good friend of mine and I got into a bit of an argument about computer tech.  Usually if we disagree it is a VERY mild kind of thing and no big deal.  I guess it scared me because we actually got a little mad at each other.  I'm a pretty good communicator, so arguments like this are very rare between friends and I.   

This kind of thing can really scare me because of past issues where I have had arguments with friends that ultimately resulted in the friendship ending.  Like the friends I lost when it came out that I'm not religious where they were zealots.

Computers are something that my friend and I use together quite a bit.  So avoiding the issue would not be an option.  Also, we're guys so talking about "feelings" and such doesn't happen.  I wish I knew what to do.  All the friends I have now are so important to me.

Answer
Hi Todd - I'm not clear what your asking. Useful alternatives to "arguing" are [a] agreeing to disagree or compromising [when you have a values conflict], and [2] win-win problem-solving. See these:

http://sfhelp.org/relate/vc.htm

http://sfhelp.org/cx/skills/ps.htm

http://sfhelp.org/cx/tools/r_msg.htm

If you have questions on these, please ask - Pete  

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Peter Gerlach, MSW

Expertise

I can answer questions about mood disorders, depression, suicide, relationships, communication skills, problem solving, clear thinking, bonding disorders, trauma recovery, addiction management, grieving, shame, guilt, fear, reality distortion, and trust disorders; courtship, family functioning, "problem kids," mediation, (re)marriage, divorce, stepfamilies, stepparenting, boundaries, self-neglect, abuse, parental neglect, personality subselves, ("parts work"). I cannot answer legal or medical questions.

Experience

I maintained a private therapy practice near Chicago for 27 years, and have worked with over 1,000 men, women, couples, and families on a wide range of personal and family problems. I have been in personal recovery from growing up in an alcoholic family since 1986, and have worked with five therapists to heal my own psychological wounds. I maintained a "warm (phone) line" for callers on the topics above for 20 years, and have taught over 200 seminars and classes in midwestern universities, churches, support groups, and schools since 1981. I have practiced internal-family therapy ("parts work") with trauma-recoverers since 1991.

Organizations
National Stepfamily Resource Center (NSRC) Experts Council; SelfGrowth.com Compassion and Choices, and Final Exit Network

Publications
# Several hundred articles in my non-profit "Break the Cycle!" Web site at http://sfhelp.org These articles are augmented by over 150 educational YouTube videos .

# six books on childhood-trauma recovery, effective communication, and stepfamily courtship, coparenting, and management.

Education/Credentials
A bachelors degree in mechanical engineering (BSME, 1959) from Stanford University, a Masters degree in clinical Social Work, (MSW, 1981), and over 500 hours of post-grad training in the topics above - including clinical hypnosis, spirituality, codependence, addicrtion-management, and guided imagery. My post-grad traning includes two 9-month internships on doing internal-family therapy at the University of Illinois.

Awards and Honors
Hundreds of grateful emails and comments from students and clients all over the world.

Past/Present Clients
Over 1,000 average Midwestern-US women, men, couples, and families. A physical disability limits me to doing telephone and Skype counseling now.

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