Expert: Joel Simon - 12/31/2011

Question
QUESTION: dear peter,
I am a 48 years old man grieving because I use to look girls for sexual intercourse and end up in love. Than I leave the woman and the suffering begins. This is the 3rd. time it happens to me.
I consult a psychiatrist but a psychiatrist never tells you how to overcome the grief....just pills......pills are good that is OK.....
I have read that to overcome this grief produced just by 3 sexual intercourse with a seductress one must :
feel the pain, but not too much to avoid sleeping....
drains the anxiety by walking or doing other physical exercises...
write a lot about what you feel.....
talk to some one..it is a pity I have no one to listen to me in a confident way....my are not reliable.....
This is my third grief....my last around two months.....
One psychiatrist told me that in a  sexual intercourse done 3 times the grief must last just 3 weeks.......no more.......
thanks for your opinion obout how to overcome this grief

ANSWER: Antonio,  I noticed that you addressed this question to Peter.  I am very willing to answer it but given that I'm not Peter, I'm assuming that you want and are expecting an answer from him. Please clarify. If you do respond, please explain the subject, "ayuda" - I know it is Spanish for "aid,"  is that what you meant?    Joel  

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Yes, dear friend, it was just a mistake. I need your help..
thanks...

Answer
Antonio,  I had worked as the director of social work and bereavement services for a local hospice.  During that time, I had the honor and opportunity to work with many people who sought out our bereavement services after the loss of a significant other.  During that time, I learned a lot from them about what is helpful in getting through loss and getting one's life back on track.  One thing I learned is that that there are no "you must..."  Each person has their own way of coping with grief and their own time frame.  There have been quite a few commonalities - things that people have told me have helped them. Here they are:  1) concentrate on how you want your life to be better and more satisfying in the future rather than focus on the pain and grief.  There is nothing inherently curative in talking about negative feelings and my experience (and more importantly the experiences of those who have gone through the process) demonstrate that in fact the more you talk about your awful feelings, the more awful the feelings become.  In other words, you actually create more of that which your are trying to resolve. 2) Engage in social activities.  The worse thing to do is to sit at home alone and stew.  Better to get out and become involved: join a club, be involved in a class, etc.  3) Exercise:  many people tell me that going out for a brisk walk, jog, bike ride, etc. has been very helpful.  Final suggestion: instead of looking for girls with whom to have sexual intercourse and then falling in love, why not try the opposite. Look for a girl with whom you can fall in love and then let love take its course.  Might be useful to let love dictate intimacy.  Hope this helps.  Joel