Expert: Peter Gerlach, MSW - 12/7/2011

Question
Thank you for this opportunity to help. I am 50 this year, and recently moved to NZ. big mistake as I found out the guy I trusted enough to sell up my life in SA turned out to be abusive.(he calls it a strong personality)
My daughter followed me out here a year later, she is 28 and we are very close. this guy hates my daughter because when she came over, she stayed with me (her boyfriend came with) and he said that because the 2 of them were sponging off me, he could not get our relationship off the ground and could not get intimate with me ( OMGoodness, this man is fixated on sex and often tells me, when are you going to start listening to me and get this in that thick head of yours) that's abusive to me.... he tries to tell me men are born with high sex levels, I was married for 22 years, I know all about men....but he blames me for everything. I have never lived with him and think he knows hes messed up. He is 10 years older than me.
My daughter 2 weeks ago caught her boyfriend in an affair with another girl... they broke up and my daughter now wants to move in with her and I living together. I have recently moved and signed a 6 months lease. I am battling to make ends meet and am not working (I am using my savings for rent# and desperately depressed, to the point of suicide. This guy still contacts me and says my daughter should take responsibility and care for me, that makes me feel bad. #I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis today) and have lost all get up and go....lost that spark I had for so long. My daughter is also on meds for depression, about 2 years now. I am spiritual but have lost it completely and am at my wits end....

Please...please   help me

Answer
Hello Carol - Wow - you are carrying a LOT! Your description suggests multiple stressors:

1) many emotions related to finding that the relationship you hoped for won't happen;

2) grieving the loss of your SA life, friends, and surroundings;

3) physical health concerns - learning what R.A. means and how to manage it;

4] concern for your daughter and perhaps feeling some responsibility for her welfare;

5] adjusting to your recent local move;

6] possibly finishing adjusting to losing your first marriage/partner;

7) not having an income, and feeling financially insecure; and...

8) (understandably) feeling locally overwhelmed by all these together.

# The first step toward managing and reducing all this is to acknowledge it all (vs. denial and/or confusion)

# Next, seek someone to support (listen, accept, encourage) you as you gradually regain your balance. I don't know if your daughter can be separate enough from you to do this or not. A local church or mental health clinic may be able to advise you on finding a trained support person or group;   

# Next, try prioritizing your needs from most immediate to least, and accept you can progress on one or several at a time, but not all. My guess is that getting medical treatment and advice on the RA should be a high priority; See if this article offers any guidance in doing this:

  http://sfhelp.org/relate/keys/maslow.htm

# The next priority is probably to improve your financial security. I don't know enough about you to make any suggestions on this.

# As you do your version of these steps, consider using the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer every day:

 http://sfhelp.org/pop/prayers.htm

# As you progress well on these, then I suggest you do three things to grieve well over time:

1) study these q&a items, and follow the links: http://sfhelp.org/grief/qa.htm

2) list all the tangible and invisible things you have lost because of your geographic moves and your relationship disappointment

3) Use these ideas to help you move toward acceptance of each of your losses:

 http://sfhelp.org/grief/thaw.htm

# If you feel guilty about your decision to trust this man, consider these options:

 http://sfhelp.org/gwc/wounds/guilt.htm  and http://sfhelp.org/relate/forgive.htm

# To better understand your initial attraction to this #wounded) man (and perhaps your daughter's situation), see these:

 http://sfhelp.org/gwc/gwc.htm

 http://sfhelp.org/gwc/means.htm  

 http://sfhelp.org/relate/gwc.htm and...

  http://sfhelp.org/relate/mates/affairs.htm

Consider sharing some or all of these with your daughter as you two support each other and decide the next right steps for each of you.

Try to take one day and one problem at a time, Carol - and use your spiritual faith! See if any of these inspirations strengthen you:

http://sfhelp.org/gwc/help/1_dash_serenity.htm

With compassion - Pete