Expert: Joel Simon - 12/20/2011

Question
I just wrote you about my frustration regarding my husband overriding what I thought we should do about our son.  He said he'll try and think before he jumps in and goes against what I've said to our son(s) but he said that it's hard because sometimes he disagrees with me.  I reminded him that is fine ~ we can talk it out ~ but he doesn't allow our sons to know that he does.  I also said that we need to communicate more, beforehand, so that we're not trying to figure things out at the last minute.  

This behavior has gone on for years but when the boys didn't listen or behave to his liking.... he'd blame me because "you are with them more". They didn't listen because they knew I had no power.  Mind you ~ our boys weren't difficult to raise.  They were good kids but this problem made parenting teens (especially our teen addict) very difficult.  I get the silent treatment from the boys and they always go to Dad because he says yes the majority of the time.  It's as if my husband likes being the "good guy".  I'm trying to be mature about this but it really hurts me and I've told my husband that.  Maybe I was able to get that across, but I'm not sure.

My question:  Although I believe we made some headway since writing you, I'd like to know what do we do when we come to a crossroad and cannot agree?

Answer
Kathy, welcome back.  First, I wouldn't make a problem of that which isn't a problem yet and may not be.  From what you've said, it seems that your husband is at the very least willing to be introspective about his behaviors and open to figuring new ways of co-parenting your son.  The easiest way for things to go wrong is for one partner to insist that he or she is right and the other person is not. A few suggestions.  One, focus on the present and the future (rather than the past and the problems), focus on what you together want to be different and better regarding co-parenting; each can have a different vision of how things might be better and more satisfying in the future. What is important is that the conversation be around solutions not problems. Problem talk tends to generate more problem talk, anger and frustration.  Solution-talk tends to generate a sense of hopefulness and cooperation.  Next try doing some brainstorming.  What this means is both of you be creative and come up with ideas about how things could change (stay away from the "you would stop doing..." sort of things and focus on what you will be doing together - emphasize "together").  As you generate ideas, be creative go from the sublime to the ridiculous and most importantly, have fun.  Don't censor anything, just come up with the ideas and write them down in list form.  Next step, go through the ideas and rate them according to what is possible, and which will predicatively have the most desired effect (that is, which ones will actually begin to make your visions come to fruition at least in part).  Once you've done that, together pick one or two that you both are willing to try out.  Try it for a week or two (or longer) and then get together and talk about what differences you were noticing: 1) positive differences you noticed with yourselves and the other person, 2) differences in the relationship and communication between you as parents, 3) the differences you noted with your son's behaviors.  Finally, if what you're doing is working, keep doing it.  Otherwise, go back to your list and try something else repeating the process.  Most of all, make it fun, and keep it simple. See this as a set of tools that you can use any time if your find that together you're getting off track.  If you have a chance, let me know how this worked for you.  Joel