Expert: Graig Yarbrough - 12/7/2011

Question
I read this article:

How do you let go of negativity? I have alot of it. It has affected me in too many ways - school, family, friends, parents, studying, etc - for MANY years now. I struggle to fix it - even though I know better I cant follow through and revert back to old habits and reactions. I get angry really easily. I lose focus of what is important. I get distracted. I make mistakes when I know they are preventable. I could go on and on, but i would just take up too much space and i'm not sure what to say and what not to say... i feel like i'm lost (even though i'm not) and i'm angry about it (even though i shouldnt be and I am optimistic).

i really need help like ASAP. I've considered lots of possibilities and many require health insurance and money, neither of which i have. I have a 450 page document of observations/feelings/thoughts/etc over the past 13 or so years. time is really critical for me.


please help.
thanks for your time.

Answer
Hi Tim,

Thank you for putting your trust in me.

You know your negativity by your feelings.

This is how it works.

Feelings are the body's reaction to thoughts or thought processes. They go hand in hand.  If you have a bad feeling, there is a thought or group of thoughts behind it.

You base the kind of feeling you experience on the “meaning” you attach to the thought.   If the meaning is positive, the feeling expressed will be positive.  If the meaning is negative, the feeling expressed will be negative.

How did all that get “stuck in your head?”

When you experienced something you recognized as negative, you suppressed some or most of it.  We all do that when we want to avoid facing something.  It is great for a while.  It gets it out of our attention so we can process what has gone on.  However, it does not go away. It stays there in your deep, unaware mind and it comes back up when triggered.

Feeling motivates behavior.  Positive feelings motivate a sort of peaceful, accepting way of living.   They build up and enhance life. Negative feelings motivate a self-destructive behavior that separates and tears apart.  They cause a lot of pain and often show up as some disease.

Eventually, you begin to identify these feelings with who you are.  You might say I am angry.  I am sad. In truth, you have angry or you have sad feelings. They are not you.

If you have a sliver in your finger, you can spend time thinking of how it got there. You can debate the differences of the kind of slivers you can get.  You can do a what-if on the possibilities of not getting it.  Or, you can just get it out of there.

You face that choice now with your feelings.

You can let go of those negative feelings as easy as you would open your hand and let a bird fly away.

Here is how you do it.

Find a quiet place where you can be alone.

Take a few deep breaths and relax.

Now think of something that brings up a negative feeling.  When you do, you will feel a tightening or clutching in your chest or stomach area.

Rate that feeling on a scale of 1 to 10. Ten is the most intense.

Now, as if you were holding a bird in your hand, just open and let it go.   Let go of that negative feeling.  Just let it go. There may be layers of this feeling. So, keep releasing it. Just think of that bird in your hand as the feeling and keep letting it go.

Now measure the intensity of the feeling again. Where is it?  If you released, it should have gone down.  If it didn’t, just keep releasing. It gets better the more you do it.

Continue until it is at zero or close.

If you are still having problems, ask yourself, could I just allow myself to have this feeling? Could I acknowledge that I have it?  Now could I just allow it to go?

Once you have released on a feeling, you will notice that when you think of what brought it on, you will not get the same feeling again.  You will lose the motivation that feeling produced.

If you were angry before, the anger will be gone and the tendency to behave according to that feeling will be gone.

When you have been successful at letting go of a feeling, you will gain confidence  that you can do it again. Then you can release on all your negative feelings.

The good news is that once you let go of a feeling completely, it is gone forever for that thought.

If you need further info or clarification, please write again.

Graig 