Expert: Peter Gerlach, MSW - 1/27/2012

Question
Thank you in advance for your time. I'm 15, almost 16 and since around mid-2010 if not before then I started feeling depressed. All my life my family has moved from state to state every few years. I've always been home-schooled and my mother is overprotective, and I was never allowed to make any friends. Over the years the depression went up and down. Sometimes it would be gone for months, but it would always and I started thinking about committing suicide. I was morbidly lonely. The only thing that kept me from doing it was thinking about how I'd hurt my family and being unsure if God says suicide isn't alright (I'm born again Christian).
On Feb. 13 last year I lost my grandmother, who I was very close to and I'm really still not over it. My relationship with my mother has been degenerating for years and at this point it's just ridiculous. When I was little we were best friends, but now she thinks I'm just a lazy, mean, selfish, cold-hearted snot with "a lack of empathy", just because I'm not exactly like her. My father, who is only my adoptive father (mother married him when I was about 6) doesn't get into emotional things. He doesn't know me and doesn't speak to me, and I can honestly say there's no way I can talk to him about anything. My biological father left when I was still tiny (good riddance) and I've not seen him since and don't desire to.
In April of last year I joined a social site for kids. Today, I actually have several online friends who I care about and they care about me. We've not met in person but we talk on Skype (free voice-video-chatting service) and have known each other for about six months. After that, the suicidal thoughts went away for some time.
My mother does not approve. She says they don't matter and has now restricted my friend time to two hours a day. I'm also not allowed to complain to them about how I feel. She'd like for me to only be best friends with the whole family and never want to go anywhere or do anything else. But I can't relate to any of them, they think I'm horrible and have told me so (besides my dad, who never talks to me). They have beat into me repeatedly that I'm nothing but a miserable worthless hunk of slime and I'm starting to believe them. I sincerely believe in my heart that they'd have been happier with if they'd had any child other than me. My mom likes to bring up how she prayed and prayed to God for a little girl and I feel like she didn't get what she wanted. I truly wish she could've had the sweet angel daughter she was expecting and I could've been one of the many babies she miscarried.
Until recently I hadn't told her any of this. Well, a few weeks ago, I finally poured out almost everything in a four page letter. I told her how I felt and how I'd thought about suicide.
And she turned it right back on me. She went psycho and started punching the bed (I was still in it, it was early morning) and yelling about how much worse she has things and I had to comfort HER. I was the horrible one again. I tried so hard to make everything clear, but she only saw what she wanted to say. I've tried and tried and tried, but no matter what I do or say it's wrong. She didn't take what I said about suicide seriously at all.
I'm no good to my family. But they're angel daughter wasn't the one who was born and even if I tried as hard as I possibly could I can't be her. I had my parents considering letting me go to see one of my friends who we had confirmed was not an online stalker-killer but now that idea is pretty much dead.
I'm no good to my family and often feel like I'm no good to my friends either. I love them, but I've never had any before and don't have any example to look back on and tell how close we actually are or if they really mean what they say to me.
If I'm no good to my family or to my friends, then what good am I? My older brother is 25 years old, still lives here and is completely unable to live by himself and I'm afraid I'll end up just like him. It seems I'll never be able to accomplish my dream of being a writer. I think I've got some form of OCD, I have intrusive thoughts. It seems like I might not be able to pass my GED test. I'm stuck in the house all day, there's no where to go and nothing to do. I'm thinking about suicide again. I'm utterly miserable and spent the evening looking up info on various prescription drugs online that we might have in the house that I could overdose on and kill myself.
I don't want to die. But this is horrible. It feels like I'll be alone forever and no one will ever love me. Because I've never been around people I can be basically afraid of them at times, besides my friends, which is bad because living in this world entails being around people. I see little to look forward to anytime soon. If I'm destined to spend my life living with my mother then kill me now, because I've seen the life of a 25 year old living with their mother completely unable to take care of themselves and I do not want it. If I manage to become independent enough to live on my own in a few years, what then? I have nowhere to go. What I wanted to do with my life, which is be a writer, seems almost impossible. My friends and I have all agreed to meet in person when we turn 18 but I sometimes feel as though there's no way our friendship will last. I don't want to be a lonely, friendless, socially inept slug just slithering along in life, existing just because, spending all day at my lousy job at Burger King and returning home every night to my flea infested apartment. I think I've hit rock bottom. I feel completely and utterly hopeless and defeated all the time. In the last week or so I've had almost no appetite and have barely been eating anything, and no matter how much sleep I get at night a nap always seems like a great idea during the day, even if I'm really not tired. I'll pass out for hours and just sleep the day away to get it over with. I'm not sure, but it kind of seems like my hair might be falling out. I can just run a hand through it and come out with quite a few pieces of hair.
All this... it's just two much. I can't be sure that anything will ever get better. I need more than a 50-50 chance that I won't spend my whole life pathetic and alone. My heart can't take much more of this. No matter what I try my family won't understand. I hate this situation. I'm miserable.
What do I do? Alora

Answer
Hello Alora - your story is eloquent and compelling. I want to offer you two things: (1) a guesstimate of what is happening to you; and (2) some options for gaining hope for a better (independent) life.

From your description, your mother has inherited major psychological wounds and ignorance from her/your ancestors:

http://sfhelp.org/gwc/gwc.htm

http://sfhelp.org/gwc/means.htm

http://sfhelp.org/cycle.htm

Because of this inheritance, she has been - and is - incapable of being an effective parent. Part of her security seems to depend on keeping you and your brother from living independently and establishing your own lives. She is focused on her own welfare, not yours - and apparently your stepfather is emotionally uninvolved.

Through no fault of yours, you have been acquiring your version of these psychological wounds over time, which are sapping you of hope and normal ambitions. By definition, you have unique gifts, and have something important to give the world . So far, it sounds like no one (except your grandmother?) has encouraged you to develop and use your talents.

As a therapist, I have seen many courageous wounded people decide to reduce their wounds and break free. If you feel you're hitting bottom, you may be ready to do something different - i.e. to stop letting your mother control and wound you, and stop feeling any responsibility for her. The best way you (and your brother) can help her is by not helping her .

Here are some suggestions for building your own life:

1] patiently study "Lesson 1" here - it's about YOU and how to reduce your wounds:

http://sfhelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm

2) use this sample Bill of Personal Rights to make your own Bill - and start living by it:

http://sfhelp.org/relate/keys/rights.htm

3) Meditate and make a list of what you need at this point in your life - without guilt. See these for ideas:

http://sfhelp.org/relate/keys/needs.htm

http://sfhelp.org/parent/d_needs.htm

http://sfhelp.org/sf/co/kid_needs.htm

4) learn how to assert your needs and boundaries with your mother and anyone else:

http://sfhelp.org/cx/skills/assert.htm

http://sfhelp.org/relate/boundaries.htm

If doing this brings up guilt, see this:

http://sfhelp.org/gwc/wounds/guilt.htm

5) Learn the other six communication skills in Lesson 2:

http://sfhelp.org/cx/guide2.htm

6) Try these options for relating with wounded people like your mother:

http://sfhelp.org/relate/gwc.htm

7) scan these options for communicating with "difficult people" like your mother:

http://sfhelp.org/cx/options.htm

8) If possible, assert your wish to go to an appropriate local school. Besides education, you need social contact, skills, and experience with real people! Expect your Mother to "resist," and reassert your rights as a dignified, worthy person. USE your Bill of Personal Rights!!

9) Experiment with these ideas for developing self-confidence and self-love:

http://sfhelp.org/gwc/wounds/shame.htm

http://sfhelp.org/gwc/confidence.htm

http://sfhelp.org/gwc/selflove.htm

10) I suspect much of your depression is normal grief - normal mourning of a number of major losses you have sustained, including loss of hope. See these for resources:

http://sfhelp.org/grief/qa.htm

http://sfhelp.org/grief/depression.htm

http://sfhelp.org/grief/thaw.htm

11) Finally, keep these wise guidelines in mind:

http://sfhelp.org/pop/prayers.htm

12) Overall, Alora, I encourage you to take control of your own life TODAY despite your mother's "overprotectiveness" [fear and need to control]. It's possible she has the condition of "codependence" [relationship addiction] which is keeping you and your brother trapped:

http://sfhelp.org/relate/codep.htm

Read up on this condition on the Web. There is a LOT of help available!

I know this is a LOT of info to digest, so take your time with it. If any of these articles bring up new questions, please ask. I hope you decide to choose LIFE, Alora - you're here to do something special for us other people. You can do it!

Compassionately, Pete