Expert: Joel Simon - 2/10/2012

Question
Hi,

I am 21 years old, male, living in Dhaka, Bangladesh.
I am soo much passive, introverted, that its hurting me and my life.

I also suffered from depression, OCD a few years back.

Anyways,I want to change some traits/characteristics of myself.

I want to be more---
1. Adventurous and Thrill-seeking.
2. Spontaneous.
3. Extrovert.
4. Sense of humor.

How do acquire the traits listed above?

Answer
Hi, Rim.  First of all, not everyone is extroverted and there's nothing wrong with being quiet.  There's an old saying "Still waters run deeply."  Many people see quiet people as deep thinkers.  You said that you suffered from depression and OCD a few years back (I'm noticing the past tense here).  That means that somehow that changed.  What was useful in making those changes?  How did they happen?  Did you work on that consciously or did it spontaneously change for the better?  I also don't know much about your social life.  Our sense of who we are, our strengths and resources comes not so much from within but happens within a social context.  We begin to see ourselves through others' eyes.  It is usual that we focus in on our weaknesses but true change comes from recognizing and utilizing our strengths and competencies.  What are yours?  What would others in your life - friends, family, co-workers, fellow students (whatever is appropriate here) - say that they like about you.  I would begin by taking an inventory of what's good about you; I would ask others what they think is good about you (tell them it's an assignment or something).  Once you know that, then you have a place where you can begin.  I said something about the social context and I want to emphasize that.  If you are isolating yourself, it might be more useful to get out and be with others who share similar interests.  Perhaps a club,or a social group.  Take a class that your interested in.  Get out and be with other people. This also gives you a chance to watch people who are acting in ways that you want to.  Being quiet gives you the chance to observe carefully and learn from other people.  Too many people are so busy talking that they aren't able to listen!  Being a curious listener is a great way to meet and associate with people.  In this way, your quiet nature is a major asset.  Hope this gives you some sense of direction.  Let me know if you have any follow up questions or thoughts.  It would especially be helpful if you rate this response - it's the only way I can find out whether I'm being helpful.  Joel