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Counseling/Foggy Minded From Lots of Loss In My Life


Hi :) my name is Laura and I am desperate for ideas on how to help myself get back on track.

A little about me and what's been going on:

I'm 22 years old, live with my fiancÚ in a small town in England. I am a full time care assistant (fairly new to the type of work but really enjoy it) and have 7 pets (I don't think that is actually relevant lol).

On October 8th 2012 my stepdad died of Cancer. He had been poorly for a few months and we were told he wasn't going to live long but it still came as a huge shock. I had never lost somebody clod to me before and I thought I was dealing with it quite well, till recently when I have realised how 'odd' things have gotten. Since then I have experienced a huge amount of loss, my baby girl was born sleeping at 20 weeks gestation, my grandad passed away, An auntie and an uncle and a close family friend. All between the beginning of October and now.

Another thing, I started my job as a care assistant in September and as we have a lot of 'end of life care' clients in our nursing home, I am dealing with death a lot at work too.

I never really knew or understood what it was like to lose somebody and now it feels like I have been thrown into a life of death and hurt (I know how dramatic that sounds, sorry).

All these changs have changed everything, it's hard to explain how I feel, I guess it's like somebody has come along and seen the amazing, blessed, settled life I had and has given it a good shake. I always feel what can only be described as 'foggy headed' i can't see anything clearly, I can't organise anything in my life, from getting ready for work in the morning, planning to meet friends or even just my thoughts. I keep taking note of my shifts at work wrong and not turning up when I'm meant to or vise versa. My flat is all cluttered whereas it used to be clean and organised, no matter how hard I try to organise it I end up procrastinating.

I have a few minor health issues, one being Epilepsy that is triggered by stress so as you can guess, it has been a problem lately. But I keep forgetting my appointments! I have tried everything and even with the time written on the calendar, which I usually loo at every day, I still forget about them. It!'s not like I want to forget them, because I am desperate to try and fox the problem and get back to 'normal' I don't even know what normal is!

The hardest part of all of this is seeing my family go through so much hurt. It kills me to see them so upset, I want to help them but I can't . I feel helpless. I feel like I am losing. Control of my life and if I don't try and do something now I"'m going to end up with no job, living in a really dirty home and never leaving the flat.

My fiancÚ is extremely supportive, even though he is obviously going through a great deal of pain at the moment he is trying his hardest to be there for me, as I am for him. But I can't seem to let him in, I don't know why, we have an amazing relationship and are usually very open with each other. I hate to admit this but I'm a little jealous of him... He got some really good interaction from my step dad in his last days, he had the guts to say goodbye the last time we left him ( I didn't) and he seems to be coping quite well with the loss. I don't want to tell him this because it will really upset him, plus, as I said he is coping really well so I don't want to talk about it with him.

I know that a lot of what I am feeling is probably quite normal for somebody who is grieving, and I know that grief is something that can't/shouldn't be rushed. I totally get that And I'm not looking for an easy way out.

I was just wondering if there is anything I can do to clear my head, get a little bit of normality and organisation back in my life. I'd really, really appritiate any tips you have. Also, I'm so sorry if this is out of your area of knowledge, and for the length of this message. Thank you for taking the time to read. I look forward to hearing from you xxx

yellow rose of healing
yellow rose of healing  
Hello Laura

I'm sorry for all of your losses. That is a lot to deal with, and it would be challenging for anyone. I also understand that you are very concerned about how upset your family is, and you really want to help them. The first step is to help yourself...then you will be of much greater help to them.

Unexpressed grief can most certainly "fog your brain," as you describe. Grief is also very difficult to process when you have multiple losses in a relatively short period of time. You can definitely work through this, however, and I encourage you to be optimistic as much as possible as you take the necessary steps to heal.

I think it will help you tremendously to read about the seven stages of grief. When you feel you have an understanding of the grieving process, then I recommend that you follow the steps to healthy grieving (on the same page), focusing on each of your losses, one by one.

That doesn't mean you have to finish grieving one loss before you start the other, I'm just suggesting that you focus on one at a time, in each grieving "session." I encourage you to schedule time on a daily basis to do some of the grieving techniques described on the stages of grief web page I linked to. The exact way to do this is described in detail for you.

Love is who you are, Laura, and when you grieve, you're feeling love for those you've lost, and returning to the source of healing within you.

Believe in yourself and the goodness in your heart. You can do this.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore


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William DeFoore, Ph.D.


I can answer questions about depression, anxiety, anger issues, marriage issues, parenting, addiction issues and general life coping problems. I will give a positive perspective, offering encouragement and an action plan about the next best steps for you to take.


I have been in practice as a counselor for over 38 years, working with individuals, couples and families with good results.

I am the author of: *Anger: Deal With It, Heal With It, Stop It From Killing You. Health Communications, Inc. 2004. *Anger Among Angels: Shedding Light On The Darkness Of The Human Soul. Health Communications, Inc. 2000. *Serai: Bringing The Children Home. Wingspan Press, 2007

B.A. in Sociology; M.A. in Clinical Psychology; Ph.D. in Counselor Education; Licensed as a Licensed Professional Counselor

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