Counseling/My Friend


Hi Clement,

I have a bit of a complicated issue.  I have a friend/ neighbor (we'll call her Kate) whom I'm trying to become best friends with, and don't know how to achieve this.  To give you an idea of how this got started, I'll give you some facts:
1.  I am 33 years old, and am living with my widowed mother, as I have no money, and am hoping to get into online courses to pursue a degree in writing.  Even with a college degree, I've been to interview after interview, and can honestly say I've failed every time.  Living here has its ups and downs, but lately more its downs.  Kate is 59 years old, and is a neighbor of my mother.  I kind of feel like it's fate's work that Kate is part of my life.  I had to cut ties precisely a year and a half ago with a hairdresser, whom I used for 20 years.  Kate is a real estate agent who was once a hairdresser, and took the reins for me.  Since I always worried about the previous hairdresser retiring, before she gave me a reason to cut ties, that I why I believe that it happened for a reason.  I knew Kate before that, just not on a real personal level, until this past year.  
2.  When my father passed away nearly 12 years ago, I created an "aunt/ niece" bond with one of my mother's best friends since the 60s (we'll call her Rachelle).  The main reason for this was because I don't get along with my dad's sister.  That woman has ruined my life in more ways than anybody would want to count, but she went as far as to get my fifth grade teacher to pick on me, along with the students, and give me 4 years of hell on earth.  My aunt also took away my last job, by slandering me to my boss.  My mother wanted me to make amends with my aunt, being the traditionalist she is, but I was and am not willing to do that, the heartache she created is just too much.  As a result, I spent a lot of time with Rachelle, and had some of the best times.  That all came to a screeching halt thought, as I'm sure Mom and Rachelle talked on the side, and Mom probably told Rachelle to encourage me to make amends with my aunt.  I chose not to do that, but regardless, since she was worried about how it would effect her friendship with Mom, Rachelle still pulled away.  Today, Rachelle and I basically can call each other friends, and Mom and I often go to dinner with Rachelle and her son, but it just isn't like the old days.  When Mom caught my aunt in action, that relationship finally ended, and Mom and I no longer speak to my aunt.  Kate kind of reminds me of Rachelle, though I can't explain why~ Kate is also a decade younger than Rachelle.  Since I miss those days so much, that is another reason why this feels like a work of fate.
3.  I have a boyfriend, and I know he loves me.  He is also my 3rd cousin.  He has a daughter who despises me, and he has not told her we are going out.  How that is going to effect our relationship when he conveys this to his daughter terrifies me.  This is another reason why I need a best girlfriend, whom I can tell everything too, which is why I want to be able to call Kate my best friend.  My boyfriend's mother was my best friend when she was alive, but she passed away almost two years ago.  That loss is something that still has me very unhappy.  Although 86, and a retired nurse, she was just simply always available.  It isn't likely I'll ever find another friend like her.
4.  Kate is married with grandchildren, but is not raising any children.  I don't have fun with people my age really, ever, but most of my high school friends are mothers now, so that isn't a good fit for me.  I'm never going to be a mom, so I don't like listening to stories about kids.  I also have hideous rheumatoid arthritis, which is another reason working has been a challenge.  Resulting from health problems I can't distance myself from, I don't want to open any doors with people my age.  What I want is for my life to be the way it was when Rachelle was a big part of it, but I don't think Rachelle would be open to trying that again.
5.  Mom and I have been fighting more and more these past two years, and I don't know how much more either of us can take.  If it gets to the point where we just can't go on anymore, I need Kate in that respect too.  What I really need from Kate is a friend who can help me turn my life around.  Christmas time is always the worst for me too.  I kind of feel like I can't grow if I continue to stay at my mother's house, unless I can establish a best friend out of Kate.
I am meeting with Kate next week over coffee.  I want to convey this to her.  What would you suggest?  Kate tries to see one of our neighbors once a month.  Would it be reasonable to ask her if we could try that with much flexibility?  Hopefully, I can get into these online courses, and have far less free time, which would be good, but I still need Kate's support.  When I'm around Kate, she is very kind, but I want to somehow just know I can ask her to get together, and call on her if I need to~ of course, I won't turn my back on Kate if she needs anything, as I've already proven this year, by offering to help with what I could.  I also gave her a best friend charm, to let her know that is what I think of her, simply since she is one of the few people I can have a good time with; most people I meet, that isn't the case.  Hope you can help; sorry for the length of this.

Hello Marissa,
I could feel your pain from your narration and it makes it easier because you shared the details. Loneliness is one of the most dreadful aspect of human life and the more it comes into our life, the more it sucks the energy off our system. Its painful that you and your mum are not on the same wavelength. The truth she has failed to realize, is that yu are grown enough to make your decisions and choices in life. Its difficult for some mums to accept though.
As regard the issue of Kate, its good you have mutual feelings for her and you wish to convey same, but you must exercise some caution not to sound too desperate.
Allow the friendship to grow naturally and give her enough space to be herself rather than forcing yourself into her life.
When you both go out for coffee, try to be as pleasant as you can, and allow her to have enough room to enjoy the outing rather than pouring bombarding her with your needs or challenges. Relationships flows better when both partners have the freedom or liberty to express themselves. Buy her a precious gift she will treasure and be good to her without overdoing it.
I bet you with time, things will turn out excellently well and you will get back on track and be happy again.
Marissa, please lift the burden of not having a job off your shoulder. Its a burden that will never last forever. We all face challenges in life, but when we don't allow these challenges to weigh us down, they eventually go naturally.
Have fun and take good care of yourself my friend  


All Answers

Answers by Expert:

Ask Experts


clement sadjere


I can answer question relating to general counseling question,infidelity in family sexual abuse, broken homes,adultery, courtship and marriage compatibility.


i am a teacher in my local church for more than 18 years and have handled similar topics. I have been married for 10 years and have 3 lovely kids. I am an Author/motivational speaker with more than 8 years of successfully hosting seminars/training programs where participants have been blessed.

Nigeria Football Referee Association, Geregu Gas Power Plant, The Redeemed Christian Church of God


Bachelors Degree in Electrical/Electronics Engineering Diploma Degree in Computer Science Certificate in System Electrical Operations

Awards and Honors
1.Certificate of Achievement awarded for completion of the "100 articles in 100 Days marathon challenge(#HAHD)" January 10, 2011- April 19,2011 by Ezine Articles. 2.Certificate of Achievement awarded for completion of the "100 articles in 100 Days marathon challenge(#HAHD)" September 23, 2010- December 31,2010 by Ezine Articles

©2016 All rights reserved.