Question Hi, I'm not sure if this is the right category, sorry if it isn't.
I don't know if this is abnormal but it distresses me. I'm 16 years old female. I don't know how to explain it but it's like I have 'friendship fantasies' with basically any male that I become good friends with. I already have a boyfriend for 2 years and I love him and only him. So these weird fantasies I get make me feel guilty. I know I don't like any other guy, I never imagine anything sexual or anything with them and I don't want to do any of that sort of thing. it's all about friendship.
the friendship fantasies I imagine are scenarios where I or they need some sort of emotional help/support and we're there for each other, or we stick up for/protect each other - basically really close friendship type things where they basically never had a friend like me and like to hang out with me and stuff like that.
There is currently only one guy I think like this of - again, I DON'T have 'love' feelings towards him, or anything like that. I'm not interested in being with him and I already have a boyfriend who is the only one I love truly. I just feel guilty and mixed up with these feelings; the guy I think about I don't even see everyday, we don't even hang out or anything. we were together in one class last year and that's it. I liked him as a friend and I guess I miss him because I don't really have close friends at school, and he was a good friend compared to most others.
I would like to know why I am constantly falling into day dreams about a guy I used to sit with in class about us being close friends, and how I can stop these day dreams. honestly I like to think about it because I feel like it's filling a 'hole' in me but again I feel guilty because I don't believe that I should develop any close friendships with other males while I have a boyfriend. it is just a friendship but I still feel guilt because if my boyfriend were experiencing this with females I know I would be a bit jealous, even though it's just a friendship.
Answer Hi Nicole - your fantasies seem to fill a personal need for friendship (vs romance or sex), and as such, are valid. you have a number of options:
1] consider this article on reducing excessive or chronic guilt to normal:
2] let your boyfriend know about your fantasies. If he trusts he's primary with you, this may lead to more shared intimacy and may relieve you of guilt.
3] It sounds like your real need is for more platonic friendships. I don't know enough about you to guess what may hinder that, with one exception: you may have inherited psychological wounds from early-childhood trauma. If so, this can cause personal insecurity and social isolation. See these:
I can answer questions about mood disorders, depression, suicide, relationships, communication skills, problem solving, clear thinking, bonding disorders, trauma recovery, addiction management, grieving, shame, guilt, fear, reality distortion, and trust disorders; courtship, family functioning, "problem kids," mediation, (re)marriage, divorce, stepfamilies, stepparenting, boundaries, self-neglect, abuse, parental neglect, personality subselves, ("parts work"). I cannot answer legal or medical questions.
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