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i got pregnant at age 13 gave birth at 14 gave baby up for adoption and never told father told adoption people i didn't know who the father was  that was a lie I have thought of father every year I found him on face book and do i tell him he wants to get together in a couple weeks

Answer
Dear Katie,
Thank you for your question.
I had an abortion when I was nineteen, in 1975. All my life I have believed it should be up to the woman if she is ready to have a child. With things the way they have gotten, society is full of unwanted children who either grew up in poverty or had mothers who were not emotionally mature enough to raise them. I believe you made a good decision at the time. That being said, I will offer advice on your situation.
You can tell him, but it does not have to be the first thing you tell him. Before you break the news to him, decide what you want from him. Will it be just a one time meeting? Will you remain pen-pal friends? Or could it develop into something more?
If you still have feelings for the man and would like to see if you have chemistry with him again, I suggest you take it slow.
Try to feel out what his stance is on abortion. If he is a born again fundamentalist who would be deeply offended, you do not have to ever tell him. It would just disturb him and would cancel out any future positive relationship.
On the other hand, if he is liberal on the issue, you could tell him in a nice way after you have had a few dates. You decide when it might be right to break it to him. If he is a rational, kind, and understanding man, and he is interested in you, he will be able to let it go.
As far as timing, I recommend that you wait until you are seeing him regularly. If he reacts poorly at first, or seems like he does not want to go out, give him time and space to process it and get back to you. Sometimes men just need a few weeks to think. Nagging him to get together while he is in his cave would be detrimental.
Also, please keep in mind my rules of dating (especially in this delicate situation): no married men, no men with steady girlfriends, no long distance, and "date around but don't sleep around." Getting physical with him before you clear this up could make him feel betrayed and also kill the relationship.
Write back if you want to discuss further.
Good luck, and best to you and your old friend,
Nori

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