Counseling/help me please.
QUESTION: Hello. I have a problem that is killing me. I beleive I have to stop what im doing but I just cant. My heart says yes and my brain and says no. Well im a 21 year old male. You see when I was 12 years old I was a lonely kid. I was happy in my own weird way. Well one of my moms friends had a baby girl. I carried that baby the first day it was born, for some reason, I still remember that day. I carried her and I saw her eyes and I just felt something that I have never felt before. I was really happy inside. Since the little girls mom and dad worked through out the day I was babysitting. For my age I was really mature. I spent so much time with her. Everytime I was with her it just felt right. It was like if she was own daugther. Time passed and it was still the same, I spent time taking care of her. When I used to go to school I remembered that I couldn't wait to see her. I was anxious! Well more time went by and as she was growing older I started to see her less, but I still watched as a part time job. Through out the years she was growing I became more attached to her. I didnt feel lonely and I had someone to talk to. She looked up to me. She turned 6 years and I took her every where. Her mom and Dad where comfortable. She is about to to turn 10 in the next couple of months. I still watch her. Since I go to college her mom pays me to watch her a few hours a weekend. I have been noticing that I cant stop seeing her! I get mad if I dont get to see her a week. Her mom sometimes calls me saying that she is crying for me to see her. My big problem is that a lot of people started to giving me the dirty look, thinking 'what is an old man doing with a little girl' to tell you the truth society now is horrible how they look at things. I get sometimes extremly mad because my parents say I have to stop seeing her too much. I tried to stop seeing her and I started seeing a big change in me. My parents did too. I was mad and grumpy all the time, I was always sad. I whent from a nice out going guy. To a lonely depress guy. I knew it was killing me not seeing her, but I was thinking to myslef why is this little girl causing me this. I even had the toughts of adopting a baby. To be honest I just like the tought of someone looking up to me. Someone that I feel the need to protect. Someone that Icant talk to. The little girls mom was always texting me how her little girl was devasted that I didnt see her. I always blamed the school. Well I recently found a girlfriend too forget. Well that was no help. For some reason im still mad when I dont see her. Why is that? I just cant stop seeing her! I know she is nit my daughter. Everytime her mom and my mom see each other on the weekends she bring her. We just start talking for hours and hours. And the rest of the week im happy. If I dont see her a weekend I just turned mad. Sometimes I even think why I am mad. And to be honest I dont know why!!! Why is this please help me.
ANSWER: Hi Josh,
You are telling me that you feel anger when you can't see this little girl.
Let's talk a bit about feelings. Feelings are the body's reaction to a thought or group of thoughts which have been suppressed, and lie in the subconscious. When you hold onto a feeling long enough, you suppress it and it goes into a non-aware state of mind, or your subconscious. It comes out when it's triggered by some behavior or perhaps some thought. When it does, it motivates your behavior.
Think about this for a moment. If you did not feel this anger, when you are not able to see this little girl, what would that experience be like?
Of course I don't live in your experience. My guess is that you would be more curious than anything else. If you still want to see her, your perception would be clearer, and you would see things more in the present moment. By that, I mean you would not have the negative energy associated with it, so you would be very logical trying to figure out a way where you could see her when it was practical. Do you see the difference, Josh?
Feelings are thoughts expressing themselves in a physical way. One feeling could be represented by a single thought, or a group of them.
You determine the kind of feeling you experience by the “meaning” you attached to the thought when you internalized it. If the meaning is positive, the feeling expressed will be positive. If the meaning is negative, the feeling expressed will be negative.
Eventually, you begin to identify these feelings with who you are. You might say I am angry. I am sad. In truth, you have angry or you have sad feelings. They are not you.
The problem most of us have is not the feelings we experience but the fact that we tend to “hold on” to them and we bury them in our subconscious rather than experience them and let them go. When we do that, we create a little program that hides in our subconscious and runs automatically when triggered by some thought. In your case, when you think of being around her, or the opposite of not being able to be around her, that thought triggers a feeling of anger. That anger begins to motivate other behavior.
Feelings tend to manifest themselves in all kinds of ways. They could motivate some negative behavior or they could lead to some sickness. It is the subconscious way of notifying you that something is going on. It's letting you know that there is a thought or group of thoughts that is producing this effect.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to see this little girl. You obviously have an attraction to her, born out of the fact that you known her for a long time. The problem is in the negative energy associated with not being with her. When you remove that negative energy, your perception clears, and you're able to see things in a realistic way. That is, there may be times when it's perfectly okay to see her, and other times when it is not. Without the negative energy, this just becomes common sense. With the negative energy, it tends to color your reality. The key here is to learn how to let go of that negative energy. You created that feeling of anger. Since it is your creation, you can let it go. When you do, you can have that same thought again, and the negative energy will be gone. You will enter a state which we call "hootlessness." At simply means that you won't give a hoot whether that situation exists or not. It is sort of a neutral emotional state.
If you interested in learning how to let go of this negative energy, I can show you. Just let me know.
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QUESTION: Thank for your response, Everything you say really does make sense. Im always saying to myself and thinking im always angry and its true that is a negative energy. I would really appreciated if you can show me how to let go of this negative energy and turn things around with myself. Thank you again
If you don't want something in your life, let it go. It really is that simple. The process is a simple one. It has basic structure, and it goes like this.
Think about something that produces negativity and you, such as anger. Say to yourself, "I feel anger because…"
Major how intense this feeling is on a scale of 1 to 10. 10 will be the most intense. Now ask yourself these three questions. There is nothing magical about these questions. There simply a structure to help you realize where your at.
Could I let go of the feeling of anger when I think of…?
Would I let go of the feeling of anger when I think of…?
Major how intense that feeling is on that scale of 1 to 10 again. Has it moved up or down? Repeat the three questions, measuring the intensity after each repetition, until you reach the point where there is little or no intensity of that feeling.
Check your relationship to this feeling again. You still get anger when you think of what brought that anger on? If so, continue the process.
What if the intensity stays the same? What if it doesn't lower? The usual explanation is that you're not allowing yourself to feel that anger, or whatever the negativity is. Ask yourself, "can I allow myself to feel anger when I think of…?
You can use this process on any negativity that you have a problem with. The more you use it, the better it works.
There are several techniques you can use. This is just one. I'd be glad to show you some other ones if you want. Just let me know. Also, if you have any more questions about this process; how it works, please ask if you will.