Counseling/I don't know what is wrong, my mind feels blank all the time.
I don't know what is wrong with me. My mind feels blank all the time; I can't think or do anything voluntarily. I have to constantly force myself to think and be present; otherwise, I feel detached from myself. I can carry out my daily activities but I am not controlling what I am doing, like my body has a life on its own.
I have been struggling to accept my sexuality (I'm a lesbian) for years and I think I am having depression or any mental related health disorder. I had suicidal thoughts before and I am isolating myself from the others because I don't feel comfortable being with anyone. I hate my life and I find this world a cruel place to live in. I am really scared of rejection (I got rejected before) and I am very irritable. I don't want to be like this but I can't control it. I wanted to see a doctor or a counsellor before but it got delayed and I suddenly felt better so I decided that it was no longer necessary. This condition is on and off. However, I still can't stay happy everyday; I am still avoiding people and I am pushing them away so that they won't have the chance to reject and hurt me. Above all, I can't think at all. I need a solution for this, this is ruining my life. I can't concentrate on my studies and I can't talk to anyone with my mind being blank unless I force myself to do so. This is seriously lowering my self-esteem. Should I see a doctor? Please help.
Wow...it sounds like you're really having a rough time, and I'm glad it's off and on, so you don't feel that way all of the time. I will try to help.
I definitely think it would be helpful for you to find someone to talk to on a regular basis, until you start feeling better and your mind is working better for you. A trusted counselor would be ideal, someone who understands, is non-judgmental, and has the professional skills to guide you to a better level of well being.
I suggest that you only consider medication as a last resort, if you're not able to feel better and your symptoms continue to escalate. Many people are far too quick to jump to medication as an answer, when in fact it only treats symptoms, not the root of the problem.
It could be that your primary issue is that you're in conflict with yourself at a very deep level. You said you're having trouble accepting your sexuality, which means that one part of you is having difficulty with another part of you--and there's the conflict. In a way, you may be actually rejecting yourself at some level, or it could feel like rejection because you're questioning a very significant part of who you are.
I mention the self rejection because of what you said about your fear of rejection from others. I think you will have a hard time feeling accepted by others until you are able to accept yourself. As the saying goes, "As within, so without" meaning, whatever is going on inside you will show up in your relationships with others.
You might try a journaling process, in which you dialogue between two parts of yourself. First, write from your sexuality. Let this part of you express how she feels, without judgment or questioning or doubt from you. Then respond from the questioning, doubting part of you. Just let it speak through the writing, again without judgment. Allow this dialogue to unfold between these two parts of you, and see where it takes you. Hopefully, it will help you to make peace with who you are and how you feel.
Then take a third step in your journaling process. Imagine that you are the deepest, wisest and most loving part of yourself. You might want to meditate a while to get in touch with this part of you. This is who you really are inside...deep, wise and loving. Now write to these other two parts of you from this authentic self, and appreciate both of them. Both are innocently trying to express something, and the fact that they're in conflict does not mean that either of them are wrong.
Keep working with this process, Rainie, until you feel some release, relief and peace in your heart and mind. I think you will find that your mind will be more clear and you will be better able to focus on your studies.
These tools will work, Rainie, if you use them. You can begin this right away, while you're going through the process of trying to find a counselor. Keep in mind, however, that counselors are human, with biases and limitations of their own (I am one myself, so I should know). Hopefully you can find someone who is a good fit for you and your needs. I encourage you to do the journaling regardless. You can learn more about a very complete journaling process here
I hope this helps you to connect with the wonderful person you truly are inside, Rainie.
All my best to you,