Counseling/Friends

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Hi Graig,
I have a problem with a friend, and just can't take it anymore.  I am 32 years old, and am stuck living at my mother's house, which is far from ideal.  Since I have arthritis, and I can't get away, I need a means of coping.  My mom has a neighbor, whom I'll refer to as Summer (she is 59 years old).  I started spending a lot of time with Summer at the start of this year.  Although she does kind of seem like having my best friend from high school around again (we'll call her Stephanie), I really don't have any desire to contact Stephanie again, as she is a mother of 3, and I probably never cross her mind anyway.  Really, I don't have fun with people my age, so it makes no sense to me to try to open doors in that respect.  At first, Summer and I would simply talk as friends, and to show that I value our friendship, I gave her a birthday card, with a Starbuck's gift card, and I wrote a note, inviting her to come to my cousin's restaurant.  Resulting from a tragedy that Summer had to go through, we never made our plans.  I have been really respectful of boundaries.  On the third Thursday of each month, us "housewives" in our neighborhood (Summer is self employed) get together for lunch.  I am always the youngest one there, which is good, at least in my eyes.  Here is what happened there:  I sat down next to Summer (I think it seemed a little bit like she had a shadow), and the lady on her other side asked her to make plans, and she just agreed right in front of me.  I am very hurt by this, but can't tell her, even though I want to, because nobody forgives for anything these days.  What is a good approach to convey this to her?  She may dismiss it, but I can't spend everyday of my life having crying spells, and wishing my life were something different.  No relationship ever works out for me, which is why I'm single, and Summer is my only friend.  It would be different if I could live in the state I want to be in, but since I can't, I tend to expect perfection around here.  We do have a neighbor, who has been saying horrible things about me for a long time, and she is basically the devil in disguise... she comes across as the sweetest lady to the Average Jane.  She may have said something about me to somebody who knows Summer well, whom Summer just would not doubt.  I know I'll never be a really, really important part of Summer's life, however, she means a lot to me right now, and I wish she would try spending a half an hour with me, even if it just means going to the local yogurt bar.  I know I can't force her, however, I think I need to at least find out what the problem is, because I cry all day long everyday, and struggle to cover up my misery.  It makes it hard to go on, knowing that I'm going to wake up everyday to an unwanted living situation.

Answer
Hi Graig,
I have a problem with a friend, and just can't take it anymore.  I am 32 years old, and am stuck living at my mother's house, which is far from ideal.  Since I have arthritis, and I can't get away, I need a means of coping.  My mom has a neighbor, whom I'll refer to as Summer (she is 59 years old).  I started spending a lot of time with Summer at the start of this year.  Although she does kind of seem like having my best friend from high school around again (we'll call her Stephanie), I really don't have any desire to contact Stephanie again, as she is a mother of 3, and I probably never cross her mind anyway.  Really, I don't have fun with people my age, so it makes no sense to me to try to open doors in that respect.  At first, Summer and I would simply talk as friends, and to show that I value our friendship, I gave her a birthday card, with a Starbuck's gift card, and I wrote a note, inviting her to come to my cousin's restaurant.  Resulting from a tragedy that Summer had to go through, we never made our plans.  I have been really respectful of boundaries.  On the third Thursday of each month, us "housewives" in our neighborhood (Summer is self employed) get together for lunch.  I am always the youngest one there, which is good, at least in my eyes.  Here is what happened there:  I sat down next to Summer (I think it seemed a little bit like she had a shadow), and the lady on her other side asked her to make plans, and she just agreed right in front of me.  I am very hurt by this, but can't tell her, even though I want to, because nobody forgives for anything these days.  What is a good approach to convey this to her?  She may dismiss it, but I can't spend everyday of my life having crying spells, and wishing my life were something different.  No relationship ever works out for me, which is why I'm single, and Summer is my only friend.  It would be different if I could live in the state I want to be in, but since I can't, I tend to expect perfection around here.  We do have a neighbor, who has been saying horrible things about me for a long time, and she is basically the devil in disguise... she comes across as the sweetest lady to the Average Jane.  She may have said something about me to somebody who knows Summer well, whom Summer just would not doubt.  I know I'll never be a really, really important part of Summer's life, however, she means a lot to me right now, and I wish she would try spending a half an hour with me, even if it just means going to the local yogurt bar.  I know I can't force her, however, I think I need to at least find out what the problem is, because I cry all day long everyday, and struggle to cover up my misery.  It makes it hard to go on, knowing that I'm going to wake up everyday to an unwanted living situation.


Hi Alyssa,

Let’s start with the basics. In order to fix something you have to be completely aware of what that something is. It’s vitally important for you to understand that the situation you’re in right now has been your choosing. To quote a very wise person, “… The reality you perceive around you is actually created from you, consciously or unconsciously, and that your reality, any reality, all realities, are contained within you.” Once you understand and accept that important reality, you’re ready to fix this problem.

What you described to me is a lot of behavior based on feeling.

How would you have behaved if you set down next to Summer, she agreed to make plans with the other person, and instead of you feeling hurt, you said yourself, “well, that must be what she wants. I’ll just wait for the right opportunity and make my offer again.” Would you have behaved in the same way?

Do you see how your feelings are motivating your behavior?

Here is a little treatise on how feelings affect us.
Feelings are the body's reaction to thoughts or thought processes. They go hand in hand.  If you have a bad feeling, there is a thought or group of thoughts behind it.

They are really two sides of the same coin. Feelings represent a thought process. Thought processes express themselves in the form of feeling.

You base the kind of feeling you experience on the “meaning” you attach to the thought.   If the meaning is positive, the feeling expressed will be positive.  If the meaning is negative, the feeling expressed will be negative.

The problem is not that you have negative feelings. The problem is that you do not express them and let them go. Instead you hold onto them and internalize them. Internalize them just means they are hidden in your mind away from our consciousness, or awareness. They have not gone away.

The non-aware part of our mind is always trying to get us to be aware that they are there. As soon as something triggers that thought, the associated feelings come out, and in a sense, play their little recording all over again. The problem is that little recording is based on the past. What is happening is that when you feel what you feel, you’re really reliving the past. It really has that not that much to do with this going on in the present.
 
Feeling motivates behavior.  Positive feelings motivate a sort of peaceful, accepting way of living.   They build up and enhance life. Negative feelings motivate a self-destructive behavior that separates and tears apart.  They cause a lot of pain and often show up as some disease.

Sooner or later, you begin to identify these feelings with who you are.  You might say I am angry.  I am sad. In truth, you have angry or you have sad feelings. They are not you.

Alyssa, the key is to become aware of these negative feelings when they come up, and simply let them go. When you do that, you satisfy your mind’s desire to notify you that they are there in your subconscious, and they go away. The energy that they had also goes away, and your behavior changes.

Now when you have that thought again, the negative energy or charge that was there has gone. Your perception is clearer. Your judgment is clear, and you low no longer respond in the same way that you did before.

I can help you with this if you will allow me. I can show you how to let go of the negative feelings and what to do after you’ve done that. Just let me know.

Graig :-)  

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Graig Yarbrough

Expertise

Most of the problems you have, are connected to your emotions. Your body follows your mind. What you think or have been thinking, you express in your body. That includes, pain, sickness, and anxiety. If you experience anger, that experience is a bodily feeling event. These feelings motivate behavior. Think of how you behaved the last time you experienced anger. What would that experience be like if there was no anger? These experiences color everything you do. Learn more about this and ways you can release these feeling states for the freedom you desire.

Experience

I have been counseling here on AllExperts for over 15 years. I have over 100 hours in personal counseling. I have experience in both individual and group counseling. I am an advocate of Energy Psychology and a practitioner of FasterEFT. Are you tired of taking about it and are ready to fix it? I thoroughly enjoy helping other people with the knowledge I have to share!

Education/Credentials
I have a B.A Degree and many hours of self-study. I have about 120 graduate hours in sociology. I was an Equal Opportunity Adviser for the US Army for three years. I am US Army Retired.
I am a graduate of the US Army Primary Leadership Course, Basic Non-commissioned Officers Course, and Advanced Non-commission course. I am a graduate of the Defense Equal Opportunity Management Institute.

I am a graduate of the Longridge Writer's Group. I am a graduate of Star Power, level 1. I am a student of FasterEFT and the release technique.

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