Counseling/Problem with my mother
So recently my parents split up. Which I believe is the best thing since they have not been happy together for years. My problem is my mom, whom I haven’t spoken to in almost two months.
So I’m 27 and married to a very supportive wonderful man and I have a younger brother who is engaged to an amazing woman (Her and I have become very close to the point where I’m her maid of honor at their wedding). My dad is a great father and has turned into a great friend. My mom on the other hand we all believe is possibly Bi-polar. She’s always feels people are after her, my brother and I, everything is a fight. She jumps from overly happy and goes way over board to complete depression. The depression is much more common but with the situation I don’t blame her. She over paranoia has ruined my parents’ marriage (Also my dad has cheated on her a few times), not only that my relationship with my brother and I.
A few example on my situation since I cannot speak for my brother. Our relationship started weakening when I became a teenager. I was very over protected and not really allowed to “take wing”. When it came to dating my parents were super protective.. No boy was good enough for me.. my dad being a retired police officer just took the fun in messing with the boy where my mom hated all of them. It got really bad when I met my husband (I was 18). I was starting college and Mike and I where very serious about each other. This got to the point with my mom that when I was home studying she would come down into my room and spend hours convincing me to leave him. That she knew his kind and that he’s going to abuse me and take me away from her. She even made up a lie (Which she really believes) that he was going to buy my cousin trailer and move me out there and never let me see her again. This was the day before a finals… due to the stress of all this I dropped out. And due to the lie I moved in to my now in-laws place for a few weeks. My mom believe I dropped out because I was lazy. Things with her have been rocky since then. I’ve tried to maintain a relationship with her, but whenever it was just her and I all she would do was complain about my brother’s girlfriends and how awful my dad was. With worrying about her and my parent’s relationship is started to put strain on me and my marriage. I was diagnosed with major depression, Mike wanted to leave me, and my job performance was going downhill. After mike told me he wanted to leave me, I seeked counselling, since I’ll do anything to save my marriage. He told me that I should focus on mike since he’s my family and I cannot start my life when I’m living for my mom.
So my mom moved 1 ½ hours away with my grandma now. I use to call her once a week, but she would complain that I never called her. Nothing I did to try and comforter her was good enough. All she would do would be complain about how awful my dad was, but that he was her life. So the reason why I haven’t spoke to her in two months is that she got my grandma to tell everyone that she was missing for a week. I was at home when I got a call from my cousin that my mom has been missing for a week, her car and cat were at my grandma but she was gone. Of course I panicked thinking the worst possible situation. I was about to call the police, when my cousin called me back saying that her resources say shes in Japser (2 hours away from her). So after I spoke with my brother him and his fiancé took off to her place, of course not telling them. I guess when he got there she was at my grandma’s kitchen table with a very shocked look on her face. My brother also over heard her tell my auntie “See I told you they would come”. The day after all this, my brother told me what happened. I called her and she told me to grow up and act like a adult because I was mad at her. I told her she needed time to think about her actions and not to speak to me.. I mean only a teenager would pull that on their family. I’m still in disbelief that happened. I honestly don’t know what to do know or how to tackle this situation. My husband doesn’t even want out children to have contact with her since he’s scared of what she’ll do to them. Since she’s so capable of hurting my brother and I so deeply. She’s not keeping us out of this divorce as we asked. All we want is to be there for both of them, but she’s has pushed us away. I feel terrible that she doesn’t have us anymore… but what do I do… I don’t want to make any decision on plain emotion but I with the amount of pain she’s has caused me in the last 11 years I don’t know what else to do. She’s my mom tho, I do love her, but I can’t focus on my family, my school work (I’m going to night school) and my job with her stress. And it seems like no matter how much we try to tell her what shes done wrong she doesn’t understand. I really need to guidance on this.. I don’t know what to do.. should I talk to her? Should I tell her why I’m not going to speak to her? Is it right to cut her out of my life? Please I’m very desperate for help…
How are you? I just read your e-mail, so here I am writing you back. I find your situation not too easy to deal in one sitting as there are too many things, incidence and people involve in your concern. Family is never easy to handle especially if it becomes extended. I wonder if your problem is really your mom or the way you handle the family matters. If your mom is the only problem, you will not have any concerns with your brother, your father or even your husband not allowing you and your kids to have contact with your mom, so based on what you told me, there are too many things that you cannot handle at this time but you just basically focusing your problem with your mom. The question here is that, is she really that important to be focused on or is it more important to get on and move on. If you and your husband are getting along maybe it would be better to keep the relationship going. It may not be easy to let go of your mom but as a growing person you will have to fulfill your destiny. You can always be there for your mom but sometimes even if you try the most and best of everything to help, there are times or if the person you are helping is not helping himself/herself there is very little chance that that person would really like or accept the help you are giving. Next thing is that, have you ever seek counseling therapy. You and your family need to have family sessions in which everyone should be given the chance to speak and be heard, try seeking professional help as you will not be able to solve it on your own.
Again, your concern will take longer than the usual to lighten up. No solutions can be done unless all are given the chance to air out the feelings of one another.
One thing for sure though, that if after everyone has spoken and heard forgiveness can lead to peace and unity. Be ready to accept each and everyone's shortcomings. When the right time comes you will be able to help your mom without feeling hurt because you have forgiven her.
For now, keep a little prayer in your pocket and always ask GOD's help to lead you to the right way of dealing with every concern you have. Instead of knowing who made you feel upset, angry or dissatisfied, find the cause. For sure, the person doesn't really want to make you feel bad instead, GOD is teaching you to learn a lesson to help you grow in decision making and handling life matters.
Take care and hope you will do well. GOD BLESS