Question Hello, I'm dealing with a situation that maybe you can just give me your insight on as someone that isn't involved. I'll try to keep it short as possible.
My son who is 21, briefly dated a young woman (19 and had run away at 15 and has been on her own ever since)) and she got pregnant. He lived several hours away from her at the time so he only saw her on the weekends. They had already split up when she discovered the pregnancy. They both decided that they would do whats right and co parent this child. This woman at about 5 months into her pregnancy decided to buy a colt even though she had no plan as to where to put him. At the same time my son was laid off from his job. My husband and I have horses and told this gal that she could board her colt at our house for free and to save the money that it would've cost her. (about $400.)But she still had to care for him and clean his stall. Because we knew it could take awhile for our son to find another job. We only asked that she not bad mouth him. About that time too she contacted my sons old girlfriend whom he had dated about 3 years. This girl regretted breaking up with my son and was jealous of this other woman. So she started telling her lies that she and my son were back together etc. This got to where the pregnant woman was acting like a lunatic and texting me twenty texts a day calling my son a cheat. She would'nt believe that it wasn't true. Soon she took to facebook posting just heinous mean things that had no truth to them about my son. I told her to stop that she can't treat people like this. After a few weeks we noticed that she wasn't coming to often to care for her horse. Maybe once a week. One time I asked if she was going to come clean his stall, she said she was out of town. Later I found out she was actually out of town with another guy. I was ok with that it's not my buisness and she and my son were not together anymore. I heard of other times she was again trashing my son because he wasn't paying her money for baby items. I told her he didn't have to pay for someone not born yet and all those baby items he would have to buy as well. Early on I had promised her a shower. But i was starting to have second thoughts. She also hassled me about needing a dresser for the baby. So I bought a used one, when asked if she was coming to get it she replied she didn't have gas money to drive the three miles to my house. ( she did a month later) This last week she did it again bashing my son on facebook and this time went after some friendships he's had for ten years. I asked her about it and she denied it. I pushed a little more and she like flips a switch and just spews this utter hatefulness. She said she was done being nice, so I told her we were too. I canceled the baby shower and she removed her horse. All along Ive told her we would do a DNA test on the baby and she vehmently has said we would not be allowed to see the child then. Last week my husband went to see her father and invite them to dinner with us to discuss the situation. They hestitated, agreed, then later called and said they were having a family fued. Right after their cancel the woman texted me and said I was conniving and nasty and to stay away from her family, that were not allowed at the hospital for birth and baby won't have my sons name! Three days later she calls my son and says he can come to the hospital and the baby will have his name. Today she invites him to tour the hospital with her, by tonight she was calling him a cheating loser and saying she didn't want his f&%^%@ mother near her child. My assessment is she must be bipolar and crazy. I have never encountered anyone with this much hate and anger. I told my son to walk even if it is his. I really don't want to be involved with these people. My son said he wants the baby if it is indeed his. (He had several calls early on saying he may not be the father) I honestly don't even know what to tell my son or how to deal with any of this except retain a lawyer. My nerves are shot. Any ideas?
Answer Hello, Debbie - To better understand what has happened among you two families, read and discuss these:
I compassionately suspect all of you adults are psychologically-wounded "Grown Wounded Children" (GWCs). If so. the best thing you can do for your son is encourage him to proactively work to reduce his wounds, so he can guard your grandchild against inheriting similar wounds. ALL of you can benefit from studying online "lesson 1" at http://sfhelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm. Your grandchild silently depends on ALL you adults to do this.
I can answer questions about mood disorders, depression, suicide, relationships, communication skills, problem solving, clear thinking, bonding disorders, trauma recovery, addiction management, grieving, shame, guilt, fear, reality distortion, and trust disorders; courtship, family functioning, "problem kids," mediation, (re)marriage, divorce, stepfamilies, stepparenting, boundaries, self-neglect, abuse, parental neglect, personality subselves, ("parts work"). I cannot answer legal or medical questions.
I maintained a private therapy practice near Chicago for 27 years, and have worked with over 1,000 men, women, couples, and families on a wide range of personal and family problems. I have been in personal recovery from growing up in an alcoholic family since 1986, and have worked with five therapists to heal my own psychological wounds. I maintained a "warm (phone) line" for callers on the topics above for 20 years, and have taught over 200 seminars and classes in midwestern universities, churches, support groups, and schools since 1981. I have practiced internal-family therapy ("parts work") with trauma-recoverers since 1991.
Publications # Several hundred articles in my non-profit "Break the Cycle!" Web site at http://sfhelp.org These articles are augmented by over 150 educational YouTube videos .
# six books on childhood-trauma recovery, effective communication, and stepfamily courtship, coparenting, and management.
Education/Credentials A bachelors degree in mechanical engineering (BSME, 1959) from Stanford University, a Masters degree in clinical Social Work, (MSW, 1981), and over 500 hours of post-grad training in the topics above - including clinical hypnosis, spirituality, codependence, addicrtion-management, and guided imagery. My post-grad traning includes two 9-month internships on doing internal-family therapy at the University of Illinois.
Awards and Honors Hundreds of grateful emails and comments from students and clients all over the world.
Past/Present Clients Over 1,000 average Midwestern-US women, men, couples, and families. A physical disability limits me to doing telephone and Skype counseling now.