Counseling/Searching for self
well, this is going to be long and will test your patience.i know reading all these is definitely tough task but at the end you will be saving one soul.
every paragraph depicts different aspects of mine.
i have tried to keep it simple and straight.Here i begin....
i am 22 yrs boy.i belong to middle class family having total of two brothers (i am elder) with no sister.
during childhood i was a kind of boy who was very introvert.i was often confused between right and super-right behavior which should be adopted
for the person standing in front of me.i want to tell a very short story relating my behavior.at the age of 18 ....i was preparing for
iit-jee --one of the toughest exam for entrance in iit(college) in India. and i was living away from my family for preparation. during that days one
stranger came to me, he was around 24 yrs and politely talked to me , asked --how is your study going on ...about my family..else.
then he told that he knows my cousin brother and even my father and asked some money.deep down i believed that he is telling lie.
but i don't inquired back.... like..what is my father's name ...where i live..what my elder brother is doing. this is just because by asking back his lie
will be caught and even might be beaten up ..and that was not good for him...during that time i was knowing i am not doing well.i should not do
the way i am doing now .something stops me from inside , i don't know what it is.after all chaos in my mind i end up doing nothing and the things happen
exactly in same what the person standing in front wants.
now , going few years in past. at age of 10 i was healthy child . i wanted to be a fit . As i grew my health also grew ...and my concern about fitness
too.at the age of 16 i become obese child(not very chubby type but obese). i wanted to do some exercise but in alone.because i was afraid that what
others will think....that i thinks that i am obese.i was mostly afraid of my parents.what they will think ....that their child thinks that he has become
obese.he cant do anything or cant enjoy his life just because he is obese. my father is obsessive ....he thinks in hardcore manner...like how can my child
think that he is obese.due to this reason i was unable to get enough time alone.hence my obesity increases .
as my obesity increased people started ignoring me .they don't take me seriously and think so and so....'you get it'.
i started living mundane life.leaving my dreams . i knew that i was not doing correct thing . i will live up my dreams when i become fit and energetic--all this
i thought every moment whenever someone shook my faith in me. i still knew that i was not doing good but the environment around me has become like that--
my parents don't understood my feeling ..they told me always one thing..the only one thing...to study. the friends which i got were not fair enough.or you should say
i approached wrong ones due to lack of self confidence.summing all ....i was living my life ...just living it any way.
WHAT I AM DOING IS TO VOMIT OUT EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME IN PAST ...AND I WAS WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT TO FIND SOMEONE FOR TELLING MY -"UNTOLD STORY"
...YOU WILL DEFINITELY FIND OUT WHAT MY ACTUAL QUESTION IS FOR YOU, IN LATER STAGE OF THIS "UNTOLD STORY". SO PLEASE BE PATIENT AND READ IT COMPLETELY.
CONTINUING from where i left....
as i grew up i interest towards other thing increases ..and most prominent among them was girl.(one that i know about myself for sure that i am a
kind and loving person.i give respect to others and treat every one equally). i knew that any girl to whom i choose as my friend or say best friend i
will love her like no other .even then i didn't had courage to seek any of the girls and say something (i have guts to do anything .even i am ready to die for
the sake of work which is assigned to me). i used to think that i will not be able to keep her happy.moreover some girl reacted in sensitive way as if they feeling
the same thing. something stops me ....the fear or else i don't know. that might be also due to the reason that i was not satisfied by myself(as i was obese and i
always wanted to be happy.i wanted to wear sexy clothes and walk without any fear of someone who can say that i am fat,i wanted to be normal guy,the guy
who love others for no reason and loved by others for one reason i.e. he has kind heart).
I DON'T KNOW WHY I AM LIKE THAT.WHETHER I CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT OTHERS EVEN TO THOSE WHO MATTERS NOTHING ME.MIGHT BE I AM NOT BOLD ENOUGH TO TAKE THE DECISION
WHETHER IT IS RIGHT OR WRONG.MIGHT BE I AM CONFUSED AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE A LIFE.MIGHT BE I DON'T GIVE RESPECT TO MYSELF.
I AM IN DOGMA OF WHAT TO DO AND WHAT NOT TO DO.THE ONLY I HAVE ASKED FROM OTHERS IS LOVE AND NOTHING ELSE. I KNOW IT IS
NOT WRONG BUT THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT I AM NOT ENJOYING MY LIFE.WHAT'S HELL IS GOING ON WITH ME.LIFE HAS BECOME A LOAD FOR ME.I FEEL EMPTY FROM INSIDE. I DON'T WANT TO BECOME VERY GOOD GUY .
I JUST WANT TO BE MYSELF. I AM DONE WITH THIS LIFE .SOMETIME I THINK WHY I CAME IN THIS THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS HUMAN LIFE.
[DON'T BE AFRAID AFTER READING ALL THESE ..I WILL NOT TAKE ANY WRONG STEP FOR HARMING MYSELF..EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE THINKING NOW.BECAUSE I AM NOT COWARD .I WILL
FIGHT TO THESE EMOTIONS AND BAD FEELING. AND I BELIEVE THAT SOMEDAY I WILL LIVE A LIFE OF THE MAN-THE BIG GUTSY MAN..YEAH THE LIFE WITHOUT ANY WORRIES AND ATTAIN
COMPLETE FREEDOM.ALL THESE LITTLE THING TO WHICH I AM PAYING GREAT CONCERN NOW ...AND ANNOYING YOU.....WILL MATTER NOTHING ONE DAY.]
OOOHHHFFFFF...OOOOHHHHFFFF...I MIGHT HAVE WRITTEN HARSHLY BUT SOMEDAY THIS HAS TO BE DONE.
NOW COME TO CURRENT SCENARIO....
i am pursuing B.TECH in civil engineering from very good college(name not important). i have learned a lot from others.still i am learning.i have become slimmer
than before not fully fit.still i don't have any girlfriend...hurts a bit.i am targeting to become physically fit as soon as possible leaving study aside
whatever it costs[IT WOULD BE A CORRECT DECISION OR NOT TO LEAVE STUDY FOR ONE YEAR AND GO TO GYM....PLEASE ALSO COMMENT ON THIS IN YOUR ANSWER].
i realized that becoming slimmer i have become mentally fit and socially interactive.
Here i have left one important aspects....my passion in life. this is another world and don't want to mix in this.
i will come to that later on.
I want to know precisely where is the fault in me.tell the me which screw i have to tighten so i live as a free man.
which thing i cut it out so that everything becomes ok.yes everything...my emotions ,decision making,perceiving others and confusion of what to do ,what not to do.
actually i want above all these...a peaceful and satisfied life.
please help me out.one more thing i am a kind of person who wants to hear the truth no matter how harsh it is.
i have never told all these things to any one so i might be too emotional or something else or i might have not written in appropriate manner. so...
ONE LAST THING ...I WANT TO WRITE MORE AND MORE....WANT TO BE A WRITER WHO WRITES LONG STORIES OR NOVEL.SO ALSO GIVE A FEEDBACK FOR IT TOO.
I am going to begin this in this way. You cannot give what you do not have. Therefore, you want to concentrate on you. You must come to understand who you are and respect that someone, when you find him. That will take some understanding. You are 22. At that age, you are discovering all kinds of things to include who you are. Often we get lost because we think that if we cannot understand what is going on; it must be somewhere else and not with us. We tend to look elsewhere. That is not accurate. It is always internal. It is always inside of us.
Most of the time, we come to this realization that there are things that block us from being what we desire to be. We may know them and we may not. At any rate, we must find them and release them.
Sudhanshu, most of the time, these are thoughts we have had in the past, that have been fixed in our subconscious, where they motivate our behavior. Our emotions or feelings are an indicator of what that or those thoughts are. If you want to know what those thoughts are, they are the ones that create negative emotions in us. The purpose of those feelings is to help direct us to who we are. When we have positive emotions, we are on the right track. When we have negative emotions, we are off track.
For this reason, there is no "fault" in you. You have feelings tied to thoughts that represent past experiences, that are motivating behavior in the present. The key is to find those negative feelings and let them go.
Now for a bit more of understanding. When you have a negative experience, it shows up somewhere in your body. Sometimes it is in your stomach, sometimes elsewhere. That causes a disruption in the lines of force in your body. You have to learn how to clean both the emotion and the disruption. I will share that technique if you want it.
Your normal state is the be spontaneous, joyful, and continuously expressing yourself. That should be your goal.
By all means, if you want to write, then do write. Always follow your passions.
If you should need further information about your condition or further clarification, please write again.