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Counseling/Issues with a friend

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Hi Graig,

I have a complicated problem... I have a friend (we'll call her Alisa), whom I want to call my best friend, but have roadblocks that I need to get beyond.  I am 33 years old, and back at school online, so I have my hands full, and just can't have additional stress, or take on too many extra friendships, which is why Alisa is so important, particularly since she is one of the few friends I enjoy.  I have health problems too, which don't help stress.  To give you an idea of how things started, I have had a tough time these last 12 years.  My father died unexpectedly on an airplane, coming home from business.  To say the least, it was very devastating and emotionally draining.  Dad has a sister, whom I never liked, but she pushed me way over the edge after my father died.  She even took away my job.  As a result of my sheer dislike of my aunt, I developed an "aunt/ niece" bond with a friend of my mother that goes back to 1965 (we'll call her Rachelle), since Mom let me join them when going on antique outings, which I always enjoy.  Rachelle lifted my spirits, and we frequently made plans, sometimes simply during Mom's work hours, when Rachelle worked from home.  I was having a blast, however, things came to a screeching halt when Mom went on a kick of wanting me to make amends with my dad's sister.  I tried countless times to explain that I did not want that~ that I liked Rachelle, and don't want my dad's sister to be part of my life.  Regardless, since Mom and Rachelle likely talked on the side, Rachelle still pulled away, and it was like a closed door... I still hear the lock today.  Rachelle was worried about how it would effect her friendship with Mom, so she did what she thought was best for maintenance.   Mom had to learn the hard way that my dad's sister was toxic to me, and they have since cut ties, as well... we don't see my dad's sister.  Rachelle and I basically get along today, and Mom and I often go to dinner with Rachelle and her son.  Although I hope that continues, and at this point, hopefully prayers are powerful enough to make that happen, I still long for the old days.  This is where Alisa comes in...  Alisa kind of reminds me of Rachelle, though I can't explain why.... she is a decade younger than Rachelle (so still older than me, but I'm not looking for people my age, as I feel a lot of resentment towards anybody who got to enjoy their 20s from my generation, since most of my 20s were put to dealing with health problems), and Alisa is married, and a mom of grown children and has grandchildren, but not living with her and her husband.  I kind of feel like fate put Alisa in my life.  Alisa is a neighbor of my mother, so we have known each other for a while, just not on a personal level until now.  We started bonding more after I went through 2 difficult events.  Back in 2012, my "Surrogate Grandma" (Peggy, a niece of my actual grandma) passed away, and Peggy was basically my only friend.  I also cut ties with a hairdresser whom I used for 20 years, as I can't have people creating me highly expensive damage.  I should explain that Alisa is a hairdresser, but works primarily in real estate.  She has since taken the reins for me.  I also get together with Alisa, and we have coffee, and talk.  I want to keep that going, but build a closer friendship.  Here is one of the biggest glitches.  We have another neighbor (we'll call her Sarah), who has close ties with Alisa as well.  Sarah spends her winters away, since her husband can't do business where we are located, since he runs a cement business.  I like Sarah fine, but I feel she does interfere with my relationship with Alisa.  I wish Sarah didn't know that I'm the same age as her daughter, as unlike me, her daughter does like spending time with people our age (it isn't that I dislike Sarah's daugther, it's just with my health problems, I feel old, and don't want to get involved with somebody raising 3 small children), and I'm so afraid she might use that as a way to make it so I can't spend time with Alisa.  Unfortunately, Sarah is coming home, and I'm so afraid that I won't get to spend time with Alisa anymore.  I've tried to prove I'm Alisa's better half... I recently gave her an expensive friendship bracelet (which I can't really afford).  I need to establish an understanding with Alisa that we are good friends, and explain to her that she is my best friend, at least in my eyes.  I want to eventually find a romantic relationship too, however, since I won't get involved with anybody my age, I'm thinking that Alisa might know some men her age, in that respect.  How can I explain my concerns to Alisa?  I don't expect her to cut ties with Sarah, and know that they're going to still be friends, but I don't want Sarah to have a closer friendship than me, or get more of Alisa's time than I get.  Please help!!!  I'm so stressed, as I worry every free minute.

Answer
Hi Suzette,

The best way I know how to communicate with people, is directly. Otherwise, most of the communication is just perception. That is, it is what someone thinks the other person is saying, when that is not what they mean.

If it was me I would go to Lisa and express my feelings to her, express my concerns, explaining what I wanted from a relationship with her. Once I've done that, I'm going to feel a lot better about myself, and about my relationship with her.

The other alternative is to want something in a relationship with her, not be able to effectively communicate what that is, and continue to be stressed and worried.

If there's any other information you need about this or clarification, please write me again.

Graig :-)

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Graig Yarbrough

Expertise

Most of the problems you have, are connected to your emotions. Your body follows your mind. What you think or have been thinking, you express in your body. That includes, pain, sickness, and anxiety. If you experience anger, that experience is a bodily feeling event. These feelings motivate behavior. Think of how you behaved the last time you experienced anger. What would that experience be like if there was no anger? These experiences color everything you do. Learn more about this and ways you can release these feeling states for the freedom you desire.

Experience

I have been counseling here on AllExperts for over 15 years. I have over 100 hours in personal counseling. I have experience in both individual and group counseling. I am an advocate of Energy Psychology and a practitioner of FasterEFT. Are you tired of taking about it and are ready to fix it? I thoroughly enjoy helping other people with the knowledge I have to share!

Education/Credentials
I have a B.A Degree and many hours of self-study. I have about 120 graduate hours in sociology. I was an Equal Opportunity Adviser for the US Army for three years. I am US Army Retired.
I am a graduate of the US Army Primary Leadership Course, Basic Non-commissioned Officers Course, and Advanced Non-commission course. I am a graduate of the Defense Equal Opportunity Management Institute.

I am a graduate of the Longridge Writer's Group. I am a graduate of Star Power, level 1. I am a student of FasterEFT and the release technique.

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